Honour Thy Children
by Samsara Dallire
Summary: Nick's career takes a new direction, but soon finds his past comes back to haunt him, invading the present and possibly ruining the future. Nick and the team FIC. Rated T with some M chapters. COMPLETE! Sorry it took sooo long!
1. Chapter 1

**Honour Thy Children**

**Character: Nick Stokes, The Team, The Lab Rats**

**Genre: Drama-AU**

**Spoilers: None**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the computer for which this was written on.**

**Rating: T (but M scenes will come)**

**Synopsis: Nick's career takes a new turn, but soon finds his past comes back to haunt him, invading the present and jeapordizing the future.  
**

**_A/N: I'm not familiar with the Nevada desert, please excuse any geographical mistakes._**

**Thanks Smokey for your BETA.**

**This story started off as a Nick Song Fic in CSI Files, but I'm going to expand on it.**

**No flames, please. This is just for fun.  
**

**Chapter One**

_Did God overlook it  
What ought have been written  
The eleventh commandment  
Honour thy children_

_The Eleventh Commandment by Collin Raye_

Normally, a bright sunny day would bring out the best in someone, especially Nick Stokes with his happy-go-lucky disposition in spite of tragedy around him. Unfortunately, the rays only highlighted the tension he was feeling as he drove along 151 with Captain Jim Brass beside him, equally tense.

The sun blazed down on the vehicle, as they headed towards Valley of Fire National Park. They led a procession of cop cars and Denalis to the designated area.

Jim Brass sat beside him, equally tense. It had taken over six weeks, 1000 tips and one confession and now another sad chapter would unfold as the passenger behind them would lead them to the remains of 10-year-old Madison Conway.

Behind them sat 19 year old Sheila "Sugary" Cane. Her blonde hair in corn rows, her eyes covered with shades. She wore a black track suit that fit all too tight on her shapeless, boney body. She casually chewed gum. She had cut a deal with the DA to drop the death penalty if she led them to Madison.

"Do you mind spitting that out?" Nick asked, irritated by the smacks and pops perforating his concentration, as well as his ear drum. Normally, he could handle endless distractions, but at this moment he was as wound up as a tight as an elastic band, any added pressure would surely cause him to snap and this young suspect would find out how deep his rage would take him.

Sugary glared at him defiantly. What the hell ever happened to respecting your elders these days? All Nick could think of was if he ever showed such disrespect to older folks as a teen, his father would not have hesitated to grab for his belt, no matter how old the younger Texan got, his ass would be on fire for days.

"Where?" she retorted with all the teenage snotty attitude she could muster.

"There's a garbage pail in the back."

Sugary sighed and looked at her defense lawyer, Edward Greenspawn, a swarmy, yet well dressed young man of about 32. He held the pail and she loudly spit into it. From the mirror, Nick could tell she was smirking at him. The same smirk she wore during interrogation, during the viewing of the video and now as she gave them directions.

Finally, they reached one of Nevada's oldest state park. It's reddish rocks heralding their arrival. Nick pulled the Denali over as black and whites drove beside them and awaited Brass's instructions.

As they waited, Nick stared once again for a moment into the mirror at the young woman. From the moment she was brought into the station, he had felt some connection to her which he could not explain. She looked familiar, yet she was a stranger. While on the surface, there was nothing unique about her, another Vegas show girl wanna be, but an inkling told him there was a history there between them which could not or would not be explained to him.

A knock on the window jarred his thoughts; Brass motioned for him to come out of the car.

A second Denali had pulled up. Greg and Riley were rummaging through the back getting their kits in gear. Super Dave soon joined them along with a throng of reporters who had been following them. Bras ordered several officers to form a barricade.

"I hate these cases." Sara griped slinging a camera over head as she sidled up beside Nick, her brunette hair done up in a high pony which slunk through a baseball hat. Greg walked up to the other side and asked, "You okay Nick?"

Nick simply nodded, noting tension between his shoulder blades while his jaw clenched.

"I mean, " Greg continued oblivious to the body language, "That was probably hard to watch.."

"I'm fine Greg!" Nick answered sharply and walked away hearing Sara tell the CSI Level 3 under her breathe, "Nice going. It probably wouldn't hurt to take a course in reading body language."

"Are you willing to tutor me?" Greg asked slyly.

"Alright knock it off you two." Nick turned around and faced them, "There's a dead child here, there's no time for laughter."

Greg looked sheepish and almost guilty.

xxxXXxx

Hours passed as they walked along. Sherry simply trip tropped along without a care in the world. Her hands shackled. Her lawyer wiped his sweaty face and stared down sadly at his grey Armani suit, stained beyond repair. He certainly didn't come out ready for this hike.

"Well, where is she?" Nick finally asked. The hot sun was blazing on him, sweat was pouring down his scalp, he wiped a hand along his face and stepped closer to her. "C'mon you know where she is.."

"I don't know. Ben said she was here." She looked around, her glasses slid to the end of her nose, her boney arms hung.

A dangerous silence fell in the group as Sherry shuffled her foot and looked around, looking for some pin points. "It's like I said. There was a group of red rocks, a bush.." her voice trailed off.

"You know what I think?" Nick said, over-heated and exhausted beyond means, "I think you're just playing us for fools. I think you just wanna spend a few extra days getting some fresh air because you know you're going away for a long time, right?"

Sherry looked down at the desert sand beneath her sandaled feet and sighed. Her lawyer whispered a few words in her ear and looked at the men shaking his head.

"Well then where the hell is she?" Brass asked wiping a sweaty brow. He was short and stocky, but he could hold his own.

The young woman scanned the two men in front of her and finally said, "I don't know."

xxXXxx

The day bore into night, which soon bore into morning as the team finished collecting, photographing and gathering items such as clothes, a plastic spoon, an empty soup can. All could be evidence or none of it. If Madison was in the area, it could be evidence, if not, just garbage. What evidence they did find. Very little was said between them, no words needed to be said.

"It's time to get back to the lab." Nick stopped in front of the group. "We're not going to find anything in the dark."

Sara nodded. "I agree." She threw a look at the young woman before adding. "And I think you're right Nick, she only wanted to get some fresh air because she _knows_ she's going to go away for a _very_ long time."

Mr. Greenspawn held up his hand, "Please don't badger my client."

Sara stared daggers at the young, bushy-haired lawyer, watching sweat brew on his goatee.

Sherry looked down and mumbled, "She's here. I know she is."

Nick turned to Sara. "I'm going to take another look at that clip again to get some clues."

"I'll help you." She told him.

"No, I'd rather do this myself." His jaw clenched.

"But Nick.." Sara could see veins popping on his neck and arms, his shoulders rigid with tension.

But he turned away from the group and stormed back to the Denali.

xxXXxx

Twenty-four hours led to 48 hours and Nick thought the monitor was splitting into twos and threes.

"Nick, you need to get some rest." Catherine walked beside him and placed a hand on his back.

"I'm fine Catherine." He looked up warily taking note of the circles under Catherine's piercing blue eyes, her normal sheen of blonde looking slightly limp. Cases involving child abductions and murder always weighed heavily on his supervisor, which was why Nick took the lead on the case.

"Are you sure?"

Nick smiled faintly at her, in the years they worked together she knew him better than any of the team, knew things about him that no one else did.

"Has Ben Seabird talked?"

"No," Catherine sighed, "Still in the cell crying his heart out."

"Not of remorse, just because he got caught." Nick said.

"I know, but you need to get home." She squeezed his shoulder.

"You know pisses me off." Nick turned back to the screen. "These fuckers can just do what they want and get away with it!"

"No, he's not going to get away with it."

"Yeah, he'll cop a plea."

"I don't think the judge will allow that."

"Bull fucking shit!" Nick grumbled and turned back to the screen, watching the screen in slow motion, achingly looking at the scene around the horror of the crime.

"I know where she is!" he blurted, grabbing the mouse, he moved the box over, clicked, froze the screen and zoomed in.

"You do."

"We were on the wrong of the Seven Sisters!" Nick stood up and stormed out, "Call Brass!"

"Nick,"Catherine raced up to him, "You need to go home now!"

He stopped, placed his his hands on his hips.

"Try and stop me." His voice thick with rage like a Pit Bull in a fight.

"I won't." Catherine said, resigned to his determination., "I'll send Sara with you, though."

Nick took a deep breath and shrugged.

xxXXxx

Crime scene tape was already up as Nick pulled up and leaped out of the car. He carried screen caps of the video and studied the proximities and nodded.

Rocks and dirt crunched under his feet as ran along with Sara following close behind, he rounded a bend of the rock and there the little girl was. Wrapped in a deep red wool blanket with tuffs of curly brown hair sticking out was Madison Conway. A tiny hand stuck out from the blanket with a turquoise stoned ring on one finger.

Nick sighed deeply as Sara texted Catherine and Ecklie to let them know they'd found her.

"You can go on home, Nick." Sara told him, "I can process the scene. Ray and Greg are on the way."

"No, I started this and I want to finish." He told her in a voice thick with authority.

xxXXxx

Sara and Greg were scanning the immediate area for evidence while Ray measured the foot prints around the body.

"If I didn't know better." Ray observed, "I'd say there were more than two people."

"Or maybe someone was just out for a walk and didn't see the body. " Greg shrugged and bent down on his haunches where he carefully picked up a well-loved stuffed pink pig.

Nick , his camera in tow, watched them while Super Dave carefully unwrapped the blanket, revealing Madison Conway's tiny body, clad only in a _Hannah Montana_ pink t-shirt and underwear. Out of respect, Nick turned away while Super Dave did a liver temparture.

"I'd say she's been dead for two days."

Nick's jaw clenched. "Meaning they'd held her for six weeks."

Super Dave cleared his throat, "Nick, I think you need to get some.."

"Yeah I know." Nick turned around and began to photograph the murdered little girl.

For six weeks, videos of her torture and rape circulated the web of the child porn addicts, while the rest of the world, the decent world that is, tried to find her with photos of Maddie from better times. Her daddy's marriage, a trip to Grandma's in Canada. Two different times, two different worlds, but one girl who found herself yanked unwillingly from the happy one to the horrid one in a matter of minutes.

Now it was Nick's job to photograph her final resting place.

Sometimes he hated this job, but there was some relief knowing she'd finally be going home to her loved ones.

Finally, after Dave gave the go ahead, Maddie was placed in the hearse to be taken to the morgue. Ah the vehicle drove away, the uniforms stood side by side and saluted.

After all, they had all screwed up on this case. From the uniforms to Nick himself, Maddie's death was preventable had they all set aside their own personal prejudices and pre-conceived notions.

Nick shoved his hands in his pockets as Sara walked up beside him, "Listen, I think I should take care of her at at the morgue."

"I know, the SAE Kit."

"Yeah." Sara patted him on the back. "Good work, Nick, now she can go home to her family."

Nick turned, fighting back tears, "She should have gone home alive, and it's my fault she isn't."

Sara shook her head sadly, "No, it's not."

But Nick turned around and went back to combing the area for more evidence, Sara's words simply disappearing because as far as he was concerned, she was wrong.

..to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

**Honour Thy Children**

_Thank you for the reviews, they mean so much to me._

_Thanks to Smokey and Nickyfan for their beta._

Chapter Two

Nick checked the evidence and decided to take Catherine's advice. He texted Doc Robbins asking for the autopsy results ASAP and then headed over to his supervisor's office. However, he was stopped in the hall by the sight of Brass and Catherine walking out with a devastated looking Mrs. Alicia Conway, a heavyset woman with a weathered look on her face, long black hair, and amber eyes. She was dressed in a white track suit.

Hate filled her eyes as she eyed Nick up and down. He felt his insides churn wildly as he held out his hand. "Mrs. Conway, my sympathies."

She stared hatefully at his hand and back at him before her lips curled into a snarl. "Go to hell!"

Catherine put her arm around the woman and said, "Mrs. Conway, Mr. Stokes is the one who found your daughter."

She yanked Catherine's arm off of hers and snapped, "Yeah, after she died. Had he not spent several weeks eyeing me as the prime suspect in Madison's disappearance, she might have been found..." She looked directly at Nick and finished, "Alive!" Swallowing a lump forming in his throat, Nick felt tears spring to his eyes but managed a feeble, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?! Sorry you assumed because I'm an addict it was just so natural that I'm the reason Madison disappeared? That it just _had_ to be one of my friends or one of my ex-dealers involved in her case? Never mind the fact, Mr. Stokes, that I've been clean for over six months. Six months! Doesn't that mean anything to you folks?" She bore an angry stare into Nick who felt his insides crumbling with her words. "How much time did you spend watching that video of her walking away with some bitch I had no clue that it was?"

Clearing his throat, Nick tried to say something again, but simply could only say again, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll do everything I can to see her killers brought to justice. You have my word."

She stopped dead in her tracks and spun around. The apology seemed to fuel her anger more than ease it. "Too late now!" She slung her purse on her shoulder and marched over to her equally devastated boyfriend who held out his arms and enveloped her in a comforting embrace. The two sobbed away. Over her shoulder, however, Nick could see the rage in the man's eyes directed at him. If looks could kill, he would have been a dead man.

Slowly, leaning on each other for dear life, the couple then made their way down the hall, their reflections shining on the plexi-glass. A weary Brass followed, ensuring the bereaved mother made it to her car

Nick watched the scene feeling as if part of him had detached itself, the part which was reproaching him just as strongly for his presumptions, assumption, and other falsehoods which had led him in this case. His legs felt like lead. His heart raced as the inner critic raged within him, ready to take him down tenfold. He barely heard Catherine tell him, "She's wrong, Nick."

He turned to her, his mouth formed into a deep frown. "No, she's right."

xxXXx

Sara Sidle had cautioned him early on in the case about pre-conceived notions.

And in his defence, he thought as he drove home, he was not the only one who held a prejudice against Madison's parents, or more decidedly her mother. Families of both mom and dad initially felt Madison's disappearance had something to with mom.

These thoughts ran circles in his mind as Nick lay in the bathtub with a half-empty beer bottle dangling perilously from his fingertips. The thoughts gave way to deep feelings of guilt and anguish as he rationalized had he dug deeper into the case Madison would have been found alive, much sooner, and her weeks of agony would have never happened. Nick closed his eyes and replayed every interview with every suspect over and over again. He replayed every procedure he followed to try and console himself by knowing he followed protocol to a capital T.

But the video...that fucking awful video. That video seemed to sheer his thoughts the most. Madison's fear-filled face etched deeply into his mind. The cycle ended and started again with the interviews, the procedure, and finally the video.

A knock on the door broke the cycle. At the sound, his head rose up and he caught Mandy peeking in.

"Hey." She smiled warmly. "Can I come in?"

He stared at her for a second, trying to ground himself in the present.

She stood the doorway, hesitant and asked, "I could wash your back for you."

With a faint smiled, Nick sat up and sighed, "Well, I guess a back wash could do wonders." He took a swig of his beer as she walked in. She wore one of his t-shirts which hung limply above her knees.

Kneeling down, she grabbed a navy blue terry cloth, dipped it into the water, and began rubbing circles. Instantly, the tightness between his shoulder blades eased as he felt the droplets sluice down his back. He groaned in relief.

"I heard about Mrs. Conway." She ran the cloth around one shoulder.

Nick took another sip and mumbled, "I got what I deserved."

"No you didn't, Nick," Mandy argued gently. "You went on what little information we had."

"Sara was right. I got tunnel vision." His fingers gripped the beer bottle tightly.

"Nick, there wasn't even an Amber Alert issued for Madison. We had no evidence until last week when the 7-11 owners across the street from the school brought over a surveillance tape of her walking off with Sheila Cane."

"Yeah." Nick took a deep breath. "And even that was grainy footage." He shook his head. "Hell, even the ex-husband thought mom had something to do with it. Her drug addiction killed their marriage."

Alicia Conway had just finished a stint in rehab overcoming an addiction to OxyCotin; she had been clean six months. Her children had spent time with her mother who herself was suspicious of Alicia during the search for Madison. Never mind the counsellors at the rehab reported Conway had worked very hard to clean herself up, never missed a group session, never missed an individual session. In other words, she was a compliant patient whose goal was to be the best mother she could be after so much time was wasted with her drug addiction.

However, clouds hovered. Conway had yet to give up her drug-addicted friends and dealers who posed as friends. In fact, she was still connected to many of the dealers who she admitted she owed money to.

Therefore, Alicia had to be connected to Madison's disappearance. It was logical.

It wasn't.

Madison was supposed to walk home with her brother, Kyle, but he told her he needed to walk a friend of his home who had sprained his ankle and he'd be back in a minute. Madison had stomped her feet because she wanted to go home and watch _Hannah Montana_. An argument between the kids ensued and Madison simply turned around and started to make her own way home. Her house, after all, was only 10 minutes away from the school. Certainly, a child could make it home safely within that short distance.

No, they couldn't. Somehow, Sheila led Madison away, to her boyfriend, Ben Seabird's, car, where they drove off to a remote area and videotaped his assault on Madison. The video was posted on a pedophile website...an anonymous tip had come informing of such. The Child Exploitation Team had alerted Brass and Nick and they watched in horror. Ben had worn pantyhose over his face, but Madison's fear was clear for all to see. It was a short video and left no clues as to her whereabouts or whether she was alive or not.

"_Can we figure out a way to know who this guy is?" Nick asked Archie._

"_I can try, Nick," the AV tech assured him._

Then the tip came in with a video of Madison leaving the school with an unknown woman, but nothing else led to Madison's whereabouts. The case dragged on. Nick felt the weight of it along with the dozens of other open cases waiting to be solved...other victims' families who wanted answers but had to take a step back because society's rules were little girls, especially cute little white girls, took predominance when they disappeared.

And then the breakthrough came in the most unlikely of ways. Sheila "Sugary" Cane showed up and presented Brass and Nick with the memory card with the video on it. Her lawyer was with her and requested a meeting with the D.A. and offered to turn in Madison's killer for a lesser sentence.

Maddie Klein reluctantly took the deal, and Ben Seabird was dragged out of his mother's home where had been living with Sheila, and the rest was history.

A sad history.

"Nick, did you hear me?" Mandy's soothing voice brought him back to the present once more.

Nick bit his lip and turned to her, "I still...still...can hear Madison's brother crying about how he should have been with his sister that day. I mean he told her to stay and wait, but she wanted to go home and watch her show."

"Nick, you know damn well kids have a right to be safe wherever they are." Mandy leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek.

"It's not reality, Mandy. Reality is that predators are everywhere and, well, what's the point of having kids? You can't keep them safe no matter what."

Silence followed and Nick noticed, barely, that Mandy had stopped washing his back and had become tense. Then she said, "If everyone thought the way you did, Nick, the world population would stop growing."

"Well, that would at least keep more habitats for endangered species."

"Then we would become an endangered species."

"We already are at the rate we're going. I mean male lions kill babies, but for them it's more about preserving their dominant place in the food chain."

"We do the same thing, Nick, only we call it early retirement packages."

The first smile in almost 72 hours formed on his lip as Nick turned to Mandy and chuckled, "You're funny, Mandy. Is that a hint?"

"You're hitting 40, dude. Why not change careers?"

"I just got promoted, Mandy. I'm just hitting my stride."

"Yeah, I know," she agreed. "But maybe you need to do something a little different. I think you need something new to give you a fresh perspective." Standing up, Mandy handed him a towel. "Let's get to bed, Nick."

Afterwards, they curled in bed while he flipped through the channels and stopped at Nancy Grace ranting about how the LVPD Crime Lab focussed all their attention on poor Alicia Conway.

Nick sat up, his nostrils flaring. "Fucking bitch! Just a few days ago she had Conway tried, convicted, and practically executed! Now we're the ones being tried!"

Mandy snatched the remote and turned it to another show...some crime show where this red-haired guy kept sliding his shades on and uttering some ironic line in a melodramatic fashion.

"She's a moron, Nick. She'll go on and on next week about something else. Let's just watch some crap TV and go to sleep." She lay back in the pillow and reached for him.

Smiling faintly, his anger receding, Nick curled down and pulled Mandy to him. "You got tomorrow off?"

"Yep, but if you don't mind I think I'd like to just spend the day catching up on some sleep." She yawned and ran a hand lazily across his chest.

"Hey, no argument here. It's been crazy as of late and I could use a break." He grabbed the remote and flipped the TV off, flicked off the lamp, kissed Mandy goodnight, and curled onto his side, feeling Mandy spoon into him..

However, as soon as he shut his eyes, images flashed in his mind...of Madison wrapped in the blanket... her mother screaming at him in the hallway. Nick squeezed his eyes shut and tried. It was a 3-D movie in his mind, echoes in his ears, and both sending pangs of his guilt throughout his soul.

And of course, the video.

"Why you don't you try putting on some music?" Mandy mumbled, sensing the tension in his body.

"But I thought you liked it nice and quiet." Nick used to listen music to help him sleep at night, but gave it up when Mandy began spending more time here. She liked complete silence.

"But you like the music, so just put it on." Mandy yawned. "Put on the latest U2 album. It's pretty good. Not as good as their last one, but it will do."

"Thanks, darling." Nick reached for the remote next to a bottle of water on the side table by his bed and soon the room was filled with Bono's voice, assuring all would be well. How the Irish rocker could be so optimistic when the world was a mess was beyond him.

Nick always held the same theory about people and the world in general. Hell, it was how he could get by in the line of work he did, but the past year since Warrick's death, Nick felt his soul was beaten down to nothing, and in spite of his romance with Mandy, nothing seemed to shake the bitterness that grew in him like a weed, its wicked vine wrapping tightly around his empathy and logic - all of which made him the decent CSI he was. He got promoted, although a part of him speculated it was more because of Sara's pep talk to Catherine about the beauty of delegating than his skill set.

Yeah, he messed up big time. Nick had allowed his hidden prejudices to rule out here.

Was it this newfound bitterness that had caused him to have tunnel vision in the Madison Conway investigation? Yes, it was tunnel vision.

Or maybe time and age were catching up with him and he was turning into one of those burnt out CSIs he used to work for in his youth. He resented the hell out of those old guys for their narrow-mindedness and myopia.

Sadly, he understood them more and more each day, and frankly Nick hated it.

Maybe Mandy had a point. Maybe it was time to change careers or at least find a new energy somewhere for his current one.

Or maybe he should just quit and move back to Dallas and admit to his parents he messed up in his career as they had predicted he would.

Nick swallowed back a lump in his throat but to no avail, a guttural sob croaked from him.

He clasped her hand tightly as he felt soothing words whispered into his ears. The wall of strength crumbled and he turned around and faced Mandy and allowed himself to forget the horror for a little while in the warmth of her words and body.

Just a little while as Bono sang,

_Every day I have to find the courage  
To walk out into the street  
With arms out..._

A/N: Breathe by U2


	3. Chapter 3

Honour Thy Children

Chapter Three

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

_Linkin Park, Numb_

_Special Thanks to Smokey and Nickyfan for their beta_

_No flames please.  
_

Sara messaged Nick as he drove to work the next evening. The results from the SAE Kit were back, and the autopsy as well and she'd meet him in the conference room to go over it. Shortly afterwards, Ecklie messaged him about meeting him in his office.

Nick sighed and decided he would do as Grissom would do. Avoid Ecklie. After all, if he was Mrs. Conway, he'd launch a complaint against him as well. He knew damn well what Ecklie was going to say and so why bother?

Somehow, word had reached the media Nick was the 'hero' who had found Madison's body, well almost everyone in the media. Alicia Conway had not been shy about going to the media, complaining of her treatment by the LVPD and the Crime Lab, especially Mr. Nick Stokes. Some yellow journalists had taken it upon themselves to research his connection to his father, Judge Stokes and now were ragging on him as well.

Nick was incensed! How dare they connect his major fuck up with his father?

As he sat in the car outside the house of Sherry Cane, Nick talked with his father on the phone.

"Cisco, I'm sorry." The words sounded strangled.

"For what son? You did your job."

"For being myopic."

"Pancho, from what I've read, the mother gave you plenty of reasons to be suspicious. You wouldn't be the first CSI to go the route."

"Grissom wouldn't have, Sara wouldn't have."

His father paused for a moment and then asked, "Didn't you investigate one of his cases years ago and realized he missed a few things, namely the main suspect?"

Nick stared at and noticed Greg was motioning for him to come in before he answered heavily, "Yeah, I did."

His father chuckled, "So even the great Gil Grissom had tunnel vision."

"Not really, he just didn't dig deep enough."

"Differently theory, same result."

A small smile broke out as Nick answered, "Thanks Cisco. I'll talk to you later."

"You do that. Your mom wants to know if you're coming home for Christmas."

"Sure going to try."

Sheila Cane and Ben Seabird lived with her mother in a condo situated in a gated community in Silverado Ranch south east of Las Vegas in Green Valley. Sheila's mother divorced her father, the owner of a stripper chain, when she was 2 and moved out of Reno to Vegas. Her mother, Helen Cane, was a former stripper herself. As Nick flipped through the file, he was surprised to learn Helen was originally from Dallas, Texas but had moved away at 17, running off with a professor at the University she was having an affair with.

Seems morals ran dry in this family from that moment on.

As he walked up he took note of the condo.

A nagging thought ran through Nick's mind about Helen. Did he know her?

The condo was situated in quite the community, ironically a family community.

Nick followed Greg up the steps taking note of the stares from nervous moms pushing their little ones in strollers.

"I can't blame these people for being freaked." Greg said as Nick commented on the suspicious looks. They reached the landing where Brass stood waiting for them.

"No shit, they harboured a pervert and didn't even know it."

"Well look at what happened with that girl in California. Eighteen years and no one in that pervert's neighbourhood was any wiser."

Brass had already secured the warrant and was talking to Mrs. Cane. She was a tall, blonde woman, an older version of Sheila, just as thin, just as cold-looking. Her hair was up in a pony tail and she was dressed in skinny jeans with a tank top. In spite of her age, she was as fit as any twenty year old.

Nick waited quietly on the step below Brass and watched the tense woman as the detective laid out the details of the Warrant and what it entailed. Although, she appeared to be listening to Brass, her eyes peered over his shoulder towards Nick curiously.

Did she know him?

A more logical side reasoned he may well have known her from his days in Dallas, but Dallas is an awfully big city, so his chances of knowing her from there were remote, not impossible, but remote.

Her voice was sharp and cold, "So I have to leave my own house because my stupid daughter dated a pervert."

"Appears to be that way." Brass answered gruffly.

Nick nodded at her and said, "Ma'am, it's probably not a bad idea to secure yourself some shelter. We're going to be here awhile."

She folded her arms on her chest and said, "I've booked a hotel room. How long do you think?"

"Can't say." Nick shrugged.

The blonde woman stared at him, unwaveringly. She didn't care about her daughter, she didn't care about the fact that a little girl was dead, in fact she didn't care about anyone. She only cared how inconvenienced she was at this entire moment. Mrs. Cane reached down and picked up her suitcase.

Nick turned back and caught the confused look from Greg. Poor guy still held some hope there was good in the world even after being nearly beaten to death three years ago. He could read what Greg was thinking. Mrs. Cane was a former stripper who carried herself as a Vegas show girl that never quite made it to the top.

"C'mon Greggo let's get going." Nick motioned to the door with his steel kit.

Greg blew out a breath, "Whew! Nice pad."

Nick shrugged, "Yeah guess Ethan Allan was her choice of shopping."

"Well, she could do worse." Greg smirked at him, "She doesn't do E-Bay like someone I know."

"Hey!" Nick set his steel kit down and slid on his black, latex gloves, "I save a lot of money with that website."

"Figure you would, given you're house poor as they say." Greg chuckled as he knelt down to open his box and pull out a maglite.

"Funny." Nick scoped the room. It was bright, airy with walls painted in creamy beige with oval framed prints of roses, a modular entertainment centre with a Tuscany coffee table. He only knew it was a Tuscany coffee table because he bought the same one off E-Bay with a just a small scratch on the legs.

Now the entertainment centre caught his attention, he walked over and began combing through the books.

"Hmm…interesting choice of reading material." Nick commented to Greg who had headed into the kitchen.

"What do you mean?"

Nick smiled, "Three Essays on Sexual Theory by Freud. I read this crap in psychology class."

"Take it you're in complete disagreement."

"Guy thinks kids are sexual beings at 5."

"Well, that's debatable." Greg told him, "Kinsey had certain theories as well." Then he looked at the book, "And I doubt Sheila or Ben read those books, there's a timetable on the wall with Mrs. Cane's name on it."

"Teacher?"

"No student, it looks like."

"Bag it."

Greg flicked a quizzical look at him and muttered, "You're the boss, but I thought we were here looking for child porn."

"We are, but let's be thorough Greg." Nick quickly bagged the book and then decided to head upstairs to where Ben and Sheila slept.

Pictures lined the hall ascending upward of Sheila as a child from infant to teen. Nick couldn't help but notice the smiles diminished as she got older.

The first door he opened revealed another country style bedroom with paintings of flowers over a canopied bed of white. Mrs. Cane's room.

He proceeded down the dark hall, the floors creaking at every step under his leather boots. He then turned a white enabled door handle and beholds the computer room.

"I struck gold, Greggo." Nick crowed to his fellow CSI.

Flicking the light switch on, Nick took a look around. It was small, meticulously clean, well organized with black shelves along the barren walls filled with carefully packaged hard drives, boxes of discs, carefully labelled, even video tapes carefully labelled with dates.

The walls were barren save for a calendar and picture of Ben and Sheila.

"Whoa...someone's got OCD." Greg said as he entered the room. He slid some doors open and found it held stacks of file boxes with dates on them. Carefully lifting a lid with an index finger he mumbled "Video tapes."

Closing the box, he knelt down on his haunches, "Whoa some of these videos go back to the early eighties, meaning he probably didn't make all of these but collected them as well."

"Well, child molesters are known to be quite organized with their pornography and like baseball cards, love to trade them." Nick mumbled without turning as he walked over to the shelves, "Do you mind going back to the car and grabbing some boxes out the back of the vehicle?"

"Do you want me to ask some uniforms to come and help sort this stuff?"

"Nope, we can do it."

Greg cleared his throat, "Might be a while, Nick."

"Then call Langston and have him come out."

"Are you okay?"

Nick turned and noticed the concern in Greg's brown eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine."

Greg nodded and then chose his words, "Look, I know there were…or have been some issues because of what Madison's mom said...but she was wrong. We did our best, Nick."

"Did we?" Nick asked before turning back to the shelf for a second before making his way over to the computer.

With a deep breath, he knelt down and stared at the screen saver on the silver monitor. UBS cords strung in and out of peripheral hard drives, DVD players and even a beta VCR.

His mouth formed a tight line as he tapped a button. The computer was in sleep mode so the screen opened to a log in screen.

Biting his bottom lip, Nick decided this would be better off at the lab. He clicked the menu and began to shut down the computer.

"Sorry, I didn't get here sooner." Langston's creamy voice rang in the room. He set his metal box down and pulled some latex gloves out of his pockets."

Nick turned around and shrugged, "It's okay." He stood up, "We haven't started processing this room yet."

Langston walked over to the shelf and pulled some of the disks out, "Well, he fits the profile of a child predator, if this is child porn."

"What else could it be?"

"I don't know. I never like to make assumptions about people until I have more evidence to draw a conclusion." Langston said this so matter of factly, he couldn't have known how deeply these words seared Nick. It was almost as if he'd been punched in the gut.

Greg walked in that moment saving the day, "Okay I've got some boxes, ready to collect."

Nick still stinging from Langston's choice of words nodded, "Yeah...let's get started.

xxXXxx

It took over five hours to pack up the room, then another two after discovering more videos and discs in Ben and Sheila's room.

By the time they got back to the lab, unloaded and checked everything in, Nick was drained.

Pulling out his Blackberry, he saw that Ecklie was still trying to reach him, but he simply ignored the message and decided to head to the conference room where Sara was waiting for him.

"Hey." She smiled tightly as she laid the file out on the table.

"Alright, fill me in." Nick said.

"Well, COD was strangulation. Doc found ligature marks on her neck, and the SAE Kit came back positive for sexual assault." She looked up at Nick, "But we didn't need the kit to tell us that."

"No, we didn't." Nick answered flatly.

"Tox screens came back before you arrived. Henry found traces of Clonazapam in her system along withMethylphenidate. I had Madison's medical records sent over and it confirms she had ADHD."

"Which explains the Methylphenidate."

"Yeah, so I'd say Ben and Sheila gave her the Clonazapam to sedate her."

"Greg did find a bottle of it in Sheila's drawer along with some other meds such as OxyContin."

"Maybe that's how Madison's mother knew Sheila."

"Maybe." Nick felt his Blackberry vibrate in his pocket. "Ecklie again."

Sara smiled and raised an eyebrow, "You better go."

"Yeah I know." Nick chuckled and turned back to Sara, "Thanks for taking care of this part for me, Sara."

"Anytime." She flashed him a gap tooth smile and headed out while Nick slumbered out slowly.

xxXXxx

On the pretence of showing her a file, Nick visited the Print Lab. It was a method they devised when they first started dating. A way of seeing each other without alerting anyone to their relationship, but still finding time to be together without alerting nosey co-workers.

It was after he broke up with his social worker girlfriend, April. He had started seeing Mandy. She had broken up with a uniform and they were both nursing their wounds by going to a movie.

It wasn't an intense relationship but it was fun.

Smiling, Nick walked over to her as she sat at the computer, staring at the prints flashing wildly across her screen.

"Hey." She said without turning to look at him, her eyes fixed to the screen.

"Am I interrupting?" Nick carefully flipped the file open.

She hit the pause button and turned to him, "I'm just trying to match some prints to a suspect in the robbery case Langston's working on." She peered into the empty folder.

"I haven't seen you a few days." Nick commented.

"No, the day tech is out with the flu." She looked at him directly, "I think he's got the swine flu. He promised to call in and let everyone know."

Nick was amused at her concern, "Remember to do your ABCs when you're washing your hands."

Mandy peered over her glasses and snorted, "Studies show men are lacking in proper hand washing techniques, so it's you who should be reciting the ABCs when you wash your hands."

"Hey, I carry hand sanitizer with me all the time." Nick argued.

"So do I, thank you very much." She turned back to the screen and then lowered her voice, "I hope…well the other night, you know, appropriate and all that...you…" her voice trailed off as she watched Sara Sidle walk by. The brunette CSI raised an eyebrow at the sight of them together, then looked down quickly at a sheet of paper she was carrying.

Nick waited till his fellow CSI was out of sight and simply answered, "It was exactly what I needed Mandy, dandy."

She looked at him for a brief moment with a crooked smile and a rosy blush in her cheeks and then said, "I'm glad to hear it." Then with a heavy sigh she told him, "I gotta get back to work or Langston's going to be coming back telling me some story about Persian gods."

Chuckling, Nick said, "Yeah that sounds like fun." Then he leaned over and whispered, "We'll get together soon."

"Yep." She smiled eagerly, "Sooner than you think." Then she looked professional as Ecklie walked in.

"Stokes," Ecklie folded his arms, "I've been looking for you."

"Sorry, I've been busy." Nick turned to him.

"Well, we've got a meeting in my office at this moment."

Nick looked back at a wide-eyed Mandy and said, "Okay, well I guess I will be headed there."

"Now!" Ecklie's sharp voice jolted Nick who made a beeline for the door.

Ecklie followed in pursuit, "I don't like it when one of my staff embarrasses me in front of high ranking LVDP officials. They've been looking for you all day."

"I was out on a case."

"I know but I paged you several times Stokes!"

"Sorry." Nick said as they reached the door.

"Thankfully, Detective Gillespie was patient."

"Detective..." Nick looked up at Ecklie and then towards the desk where a balding man with a moustache goatee stood. He looked about 58 or 59 and was remarkably trim.

"Mr. Stokes, I'm glad to see you."

Nick eyed the man carefully. If he was about to catch hell from the head of the Child Exploitation Team, he wouldn't know it.

Ecklie headed over to his desk, "Have a seat, gentlemen."

"So, I hear you found some interesting material over at the Cane house?" Gillespie asked.

"Yeah, we don't know what it is yet but I suspect it's kiddie porn." Nick said.

"Well, most likely, given his recent arrest." Gillespie crossed one leg over the other and rested his hands in his lap. I was impressed by your ability to locate the little girl's body.

"Just a hunch and some technology." Nick surmised nonchalantly, relieved he wasn't going to be given shit. At least someone appreciated his hard work.

"Which is why I'm here." Gillespie leaned forward in his chair, "My team is stretched, Nick, so I was wondering if you could join us for a while to focus solely not so much on the murder of Madison Conway, but on building a case against Ben Seabird for child porn."

"We don't know if that's child porn he's got there."

"He has a website."

"Yeah." Nick said, "I didn't look at it, but..." he turned his head sideways like a dog and asked, "You want me to be a cyber cop?"

"Pretty much, temporarily. I've got one detective out on stress leave."

"Stress leave?" Nick huffed, "And you want me to work in your department?" He looked at the two men and said, "Look I'm flattered but man, child porn cases just…make me ill."

"They're supposed to." Gillespie said, "It's not an easy task, which is why my department has a high turnover rate, not to mention we utilize the department psychologist quite a bit more than most."

"What about the murder case?" Nick looked at Ecklie.

"Sara Sidle would take over." Ecklie said, "I spoke to Catherine about it and this was the best solution. She had to leave and we had a hard time finding you or else she would have been here."

A fire lit under Nick, "This is because Alicia Conway has filed a complaint against me!" He was indignant and continued, "Isn't it?"

Ecklie leaned on his desk and ran a hand across his chin. "She's also hired a lawyer to file a defamation suit against the LVPD."

"But that's not my fault!" Nick argued.

"I'm not saying it is, Nick, but I think until things cool down a bit, it's best we have you focus on the child pornography aspect of this case."

"Ecklie!" Nick was starting to tear up. Fuck, not in front of these guys! "I…we all suspected it was the mother! Everyone is a suspect when a child goes missing."

"But you focussed entirely on her, Nick. You took a hypothesis and went with it trying to build a case against her."

Gillespie jumped in, "Nick, it's not just the murder case. You have a great eye for detail, you're a great criminalist and we could use someone like you on the team. This is a win-win situation for everyone."

Nick ran his hands over his face, "It doesn't feel like it."

xxXXxx

Mandy had gone out for lunch with Wendy, so he couldn't talk to her. Nick felt a rage in him that set him ablaze internally. He wished like hell he could take a trip down to the jailhouse, drag Ben Seabird out and beat the living shit out of him. Not only for what he did to Madison and her family but now to his career.

He didn't have to, though. According to some of his friends, Seabird had to be segregated because he was being threatened by cell mates who looked at child murderers, rapists and porn makers as scum of the earth.

Nick slumped on a bench in the locker room, his hands rolled into fists. He knew in his heart it was the best to let Sara take over, but it felt like a kick in the guts to have the murder case handed off to someone else. On top of that, he'd have to spend several weeks watching gut-wrenching videos of children being assaulted in the worst way.

This was not something he wanted to do.

"Hey."

Nick turned his head and saw Sara standing in the doorway looking sadly at him.

"Hey."

She walked over and sat down next to him rubbing his back, "Look, I'm sorry…I just..."

"I'm not pissed at you, Sara."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Nick straightened up and said, "In fact, it's me I should be pissed off at. You warned me about pre-conceived notions about Madison's mother and I didn't listen."

"We all suspected it, you just went with it."

Nick stood up and opened the door to his locker, "I know. I guess I was so determined to find Madison that I lost perspective."

Sara looked up at him, "You know this might not be such a bad thing, Nick."

"What do you mean? Spending weeks to no end watching kids get raped is a good thing?"

"I know that part really sucks." Her voice was grim a the prospect, "But you don't know what can come of it. What you can learn, who you can help. Someone has to help these kids, and I think you're the best person to do it."

A silence fell between them momentarily.

"Yeah, I guess." Nick finally shrugged, "But I'm glad they asked you to take over the Conway case. I think you would be the best person."

Smiling, Sara said, "That means a lot coming from you." She stood up, reached into her locker and said, "I promise to keep you updated on what's happening."

Smiling sadly Nick said, "Thanks Sara."

Soon she was gone and the rage began again.

For there was one other reason he didn't want to do this, didn't want to watch what these kids went through.

Everyone has their triggers and Nick had a big one that no one, except for Catherine Willows, knew about.

Now he had mastered the art of compartmentalizing tragedies, not letting them get in the way of his job. As long as he knew how to stay away from certain cases, he would be fine. He knew he needed to stay away from child molestation, people being buried alive, or trapped or other assaults.

Hell, he'd even studied bugs in Hawaii for a while as a way of dealing with his fears, a technique known by psychologists as 'flooding'. Grissom had suggested it to him once, and this past year he was ready.

Perhaps, maybe this would help him heal.

But a stronger part of him was telling him it wouldn't be that way but there was not a damn thing he could do about it so he had to 'suck it up' as his father often told him.

Sara was right he should look at this job as an opportunity. So why did he feel like he was trapped again?

xxXXxx

Later that night, Nick got a call from Mandy who told him she probably was coming down with the same flu so she wouldn't be coming over.

Relaxing in his easy chair, Nick read over the legal case in Alicia Conway versus the Las Vegas Police Department. She was suing for two million dollars.

It was hard to see his name connected with words like 'prejudice', 'disrespectful', 'insensitive', 'discriminatory'. All those things were not synonymous with Nick Stokes.

When had he turned into the biggest asshole around?

_Mr. Stokes accused me of 'playing the poverty' card when I explained to him I was unable to walk my daughter home from school the day of her abduction. I had just started a new job and had asked my son to please walk her home. He was unable to. _

_When I stated to Mr. Stokes how hard it was to raise two children on my own with limited resources, he was very abrasive with me, accusing me of using my addiction as a crutch, and stated 'people like me are what make the system look bad.'_

Nick sighed heavily. Yeah he'd said those things, yeah but he was on a case, trying to find a little girl.

Sara used to tease him about being a 'hard, right winger' with a 'cowboy style of catching criminals and while Nick agreed with her about his politics being right of centre, he knew where to draw the line.

He wasn't like that nimrod Texas Governor Perry, ignoring the very science proving some guy didn't start a fire that killed his three kids. Science outweighed political motivation on every level as far as Nick was concerned. Hell, even his own father privately disagrees with 'his boss', but publicly, Daddy Stokes wisely stayed out of the fray.

Nick, himself, probably wouldn't have followed his father's lead, because he first and foremost he was a scientist, and if the science pointed strongly in the direction of a criminal case, and while he followed the direction, he would carefully line the road with the human element.

Hence, he'd probably find himself out of a job, had he sat on the commission investigating the case, but so be it. He told his father, he would at least sleep better at night, knowing the truth.

In the case of Madison Conway, however, there was no science, so he had no choice but to play bad CSI, using all kinds of pre-conceived notions about drug addicts to find any clues, any links any evidence of where a little girl was.

Sometimes the science was not available, so the human element reared itself with all its ugliness of prejudice and discrimination. Everyone in his CSI world had done it. It didn't always reflect the person they were, or the values they held. Hell Sara had made a comment to a wife killer about white meat being too tough, it didn't mean she was racist.

He bit his bottom lip hard and read more.

_Mr. Stokes told me point blank, I was his only suspect._

His cell phone rang, jolting him out of his seat.

"Hello."

"It's Catherine, Nick."

"Hi." He felt hapless to say more.

"Look, I tried to stop Ecklie but he was determined to separate you as far as he could from..."

"It's fine Catherine, Ecklie's right."

"Come again!" She sounded surprised.

"It's better for Sara to take over the case and just let me deal with the child porn."

An uneasy pause hung between them, words needed to be said but couldn't and all that Catherine could say was, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"I'm just…" Catherine tried to find the words, but Nick said, "No, seriously. I'll be fine. It's only for a few weeks till the other guy gets back."

He heard her sighing heavily and then, "If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here." She said earnestly, almost apologetically.

"Thanks Catherine, take it easy."

"You too, Nicky."

He flipped the phone off, set the file on the table and decided to check in for the night. It was going to be weird being on days, so he'd better start getting used to it.

_A/N:_

_The case I'm referring to involved Texas Governor Perry's firing a group of scientists who reported that a man executed in 2004 for arson killing his three daughters was in fact innocent_


	4. Chapter 4

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 4

**A/N: I realize the direction the show was going with Death and The Maiden**

**but this is fanfiction and as I pointed out in chapter one, AU.  
**

**Reviews are very much appreciated and help me decide whether to continue with this story so feel to leave a construcitve and respectful one. I'm not being a prima donna, but Real Life has many a pull on me and is very hard to resist. Fan fiction is my source of relief from the nasty world I live in, but it would be nice for people to tell me if they like the story and any suggestions (constructive) for it.**

**Also, I'm not sure about the technical elements I'm about to mention, so forgive me. Please keep in mind some of the details are disturbing.  
**

**Of course, the flamers can simply go flame one of their own stories.**

**I forgot to leave a Disclaimer: I own none of the CSI characters.**

**This chapter is rated M  
**

_Even though I know-I suppose I'll show  
All my cool and cold-like old Job  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved_

_Bullets with Butterfly Wings, Smashing Pumpkins_

The Child Exploitation Team had a separate office away from the lab. It was a highly secure area off limits to almost all. Gillespie had sent over a brand new ID card for Nick as well as a new access card.

"It's just to ensure our victims are protected," Nick was told, "and to ensure no one but us has access to the files." Nick stared confused at the detective who smirked, "You don't think we got perverts working for us, Stokes?"

"No...I didn't think so."

Gillespie and his partner, Julia Sobey, smirked and the red-headed lady of about 40 said, "Naive, aren't we? I think you've been spending too much time in the lab."

A snide comeback rested on Nick's lips. After all, he didn't want to make enemies on his first day.

There were no Plexiglas walls here...just white, bare walls with a few posters of local charities.

They lead Nick into a room of cubicles where men and women ranging from ages 21 to 60 sat staring away at screens and talking on phones. The computers faced the door so Nick couldn't see, but the eyes said it all. Blank and detached...the kind of look he had when coming upon a murder scene.

"And here's your area."

Nick sighed as he saw his work station...a typical office cubicle, barren but for a calendar and a desk piled high with discs and files, all familiar and for a reason.

He was not an office guy. He was a field guy. This was going to suck! Nick Stokes was an energetic guy who loved being in the middle of a crime scene, not the guy behind the desk staring at a computer all day.

"You're not happy to be here, are you?" Gillespie leaned against desk and folded his arms.

"No offense," Nick grumbled. "I just like being out and about, not worrying about some boss staring over my shoulder."

"I never stare over anyone's shoulders," Gillespie chuckled.

"Not saying you do," Nick retorted in a defensive manner.

Gillespie looked at him solemnly. "You realize that part of our job is to try and find out who these kids are and rescue them."

"Don't mean to be rude," Nick said, "but that's a rarity."

"It doesn't mean it won't happen."

"You'll be working on Ben Seabird's files," Sobey told him in a sharp tone. "Thought we'd get you started on that one first." Nick nodded and took a seat as Sobey handed him a sheet. "Your user name and password, as you won't be using the one you had as a CSI. You're not a CSI right now; you're a cyber cop."

Gillespie folded his arms and said, "Our job here, Nick, is to identify and rescue victims of online child sexual abuse and exploitation...to investigate and prosecute those who choose to abuse children by possessing, accessing, or distributing images or video of child sexual abuse or making, importing, exporting, or selling child pornography."

"We know Ben Seabird did all this."

"Yes, but we need to document how many he made, what he did, and what other children might be victims of his so we can build the charges against him."

"Not to mention who else he was involved with and pass the information on to other jurisdictions," Sobey told him. "And to monitor his website."

Nick picked up a disc and let a loud sigh. "I gotta watch this crap."

"Yes," Gillespie told him. "Not all day. Part of your job is tracking people who have paid for access to sites using their credit cards, trying to infiltrate news groups by feigning interest in becoming a member, and pretending to be a child so as to lure out pedophiles. We've got some great software available to do it."

Nick nodded. "Great. I get to play pervert." His voice dripped with sarcasm at the irony.

Sobey threw a hard stare at him and snapped, "You know what, Stokes? This isn't some petty desk job you've been given. This is hard work, every bit as hard as examining crime scenes. Maybe not as glamorous, but..." Gillespie held up a hand to her and leaned over to whisper a few words. The flash of anger in her brown eyes dissipated and she nodded. "Fine."

"So, for the first while, why don't you document the video of Madison Conway? Then Sobey can show you how to go online as a cyber cop."

Nick winced. "I have to be one of...them." He almost gagged at the thought.

"Gotta play the game."

"Okay." Nick took a deep breath as he picked up the CD of Madison Conway.

Gillespie pulled up a chair and sat beside him. "Before you do that, let me show this great system we got in." As the words "Child Exploitation Tracking System" flashed on the screen, Gillespie told him, "Back in January 2003, some guy named Paul Gillespie, no relation, contacted Bill Gates and asked for help in dealing with the problem of online sexual exploitation. Gates got right on it and voila - a state of the art system to track online child predators. It's been adapted by police forces all over Canada and the UK and now we have it." He smiled at Nick. "We're kind of slow here, but Gillespie felt that the growth of online child pornography was at a point where specialized software was needed to track these perverts."

"Wow," Nick said. "Good for Bill Gates."

"Good for us," Gillespie said. "CETS allows us to communicate with other jurisdictions to share and receive info about child porn on the web. So far worldwide over 400 investigators are using this system."

Nick nodded. He liked the sound of that.

"It will make our job somewhat easier." He stood up and patted Nick on the shoulder. "Sobey will be by to show you what you need to do."

A thought came to Nick as he reached down into one of the boxes brought him. "What do I do with these old ones? Some of these go back to the early 1980s."

"Whoa." Gillespie looked at it. "Well, I think some of them are on Seabird's website anyway."

"That sucks," Nick said. "Most of these kids are in their 40's."

"It doesn't mean they don't deserve justice."

Nick looked up at Gillespie and said with more force in his voice than he realized, "I agree, but they may not want it." Then he set the tapes on the table. "Some wounds are best left alone."

xxXXxx

The first few hours were more tutorial. Sobey went over with him how to manoeuvre through the CETS system. He looked over the script Sobey had given him on how to talk like a pervert. Rubbing his temples, he logged into Seabird's website. He nearly puked at the title, "Sweet ones".

"I've seen worse," Sobey told him, a hard edge to her voice.

"I'm sure you have." He'd never seen a child porn site, but it appeared to be a run of the mill porn site except for the photos of kids. "If I didn't know better, I'd think it was a regular porn site."

"And you would know this by..." Julia flicked a scrutinizing look.

Nick smirked. "I've done a lot of crime scenes involving porn." He noticed her eyes widen and corrected, "I mean consenting adults. In fact I know someone who likes to watch them with his wife."

"Really?!" Julia's face lit up. "And who..."

"Nevermind." Nick wanted to keep Super Dave's secret just that...a secret. "But there's porn and then there's..."

"Garbage!"

"Well, porn is meant for consenting adults, not kids."

Julia was quiet and then said, "You know, the first video I watched involved a dog."

Nick felt his insides coil.

"It looked like my dog and I felt guilty because I felt equally sad for the dog."

"Well," Nick said, "they're just as much victims as kids." He took a deep breath and said, "Well, let's get started." Biting his lip, he clicked the chat room and went in.

And so it went.

The chat rooms appeared to be normal. The perverts talked about everyday life, which in a sense shocked and horrified Nick as he learned some of them were just, well, everyday guys or gals. Although statistics showed most child porn addicts were men, there were women. Nick didn't need a study to tell him women were every bit as capable of conducting lewd acts on kids. Chills ran through him as he chatted away, stating he was married and worked as a producer in a studio and then asked Sobey, "What am I looking for here?"

She had gone back to her desk across him his and called out, "You need to encourage them to give you links to videos and photos."

"Some are just talking about their jobs, their lives, and their wives!"

"Yeah," Julia chuckled sardonically. "Who do you think these guys are?"

"I don't know."

"You'd be surprised, Stokes."

Nick then clicked a request. A dialog box came up: ACCESS DENIED, and the screen went blank. "They banned me."

Julia stood up and walked over. "Great. I'll have to work on another IP address, password, and screen name."

"What did I do wrong?"

"You made them suspicious. That's not how you ask them...not point blank."

"Sorry." Nick blinked and stared at the flashing words.

"Don't worry about it." She looked at her watch. "Why don't you go grab some lunch?"

Nick smiled. "Yeah...thanks."

xxXXxx

"Where's Mandy?" Nick looked around the empty Print Lab only to find Sara sitting at the desk.

"She's not in today. She called in sick." Sara's eyebrows knitted together. "And you're looking for her because..."

"Oh... I..." Damn.

Sara smiled and turned back to the screen. "Nevermind." Then she looked at him solemnly. "How did your morning go?"

Nick sighed and crossed his arms. "I feel like bathing in bleach."

"l'lI bet."

"Sara, some of these guys were talking about their wives, their volunteer work..."

"Well did you expect them to be anything but regular people?"

"But they're not. They're perverts."

"Perverts are human, Nick. They just don't behave like ones."

Nick nodded. "I'm just going to..."

"Call Mandy?"

He froze.

"Nick, if anyone isn't going to judge you, it's me." Sara laughed. "You really have nothing to worry about."

"I know. I just want to keep certain parts of my life...private," Nick said and then asked, "But I guess more people know then?"

"Nick, we're scientists. We're trained to see beyond the surface, and there's obvious sparks between you two." Sara smiled. "I like her better than April. She was too perfect."

"Yeah...perfectionist...obsessed with cleanliness...a nag..." Nick looked down. "Well, I'm going to go."

Julia was off with her buddy, Kathy. He heard them chatting about some Facebook game called Farm Town. Nick had watched Mandy play it and surmised that palm trees don't grow on a farm. She told him he needed to chill out. She had left Nick a sheet with his new information on it. Why she called him Texasdude he would never know. It worked. In fact, he got an instant message.

"Got something new, wanna see?'

Nick typed back, "Sure."

"My daughter and I."

Nick clicked on a dialog box and video began to play. Numbness came over him.

"She's about four."

_Her hair was black and curly...her eyes dark brown. She had a lollipop in her mouth._

"Made it the other day."

Nick watched the video. It went on for about ten minutes. He monitored it...collected the info. She looked like she was Hispanic.

The last comment from the pervert was, "It was her first time. She did good."

Nick finished his part of the deal. He thanked the jerk. Then went to the washroom and threw up his lunch. When he got back to his desk, a pack of Rolaids was left there with a note saying, "Welcome to the unit!" Unwrapping the foil and slumping back into the chair, he decided to call it a day with the web and move on to the CDs and videos. They'd all been downloaded into the system, and now he had to watch them and log them.

Nick ran a hand over his face. He knew he had to learn how to detach himself. He was scheduled to be on this job for at least several weeks depending on how long it would take for them to find another person or for the person on leave to come back to work.

xxXXxx

"Hey, dude," Mandy's chipper voice greeted him on the cell. It was several days after the job and he'd watched that horrible video of the little girl for clues. He'd made several caps and was studying them.

"Look." Nick rubbed the bridge between his eyes. "I'm tired." It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Mandy, but he didn't want to be around anyone these days.

"I'm still sick, so no worries."

Nick's ears perked. "What? You got swine flu?"

"I think so."

"Oh man!" Nick groaned. That was all he needed.

There was a tense pause before Mandy asked tentatively, "Your day...it was..."

Nick wanted to laugh. What could he say?

_Hi dear, how was your day?_

_Oh fine. I watched a four year old girl being raped by her father, but other than that it was peachy._

"It went," he responded flatly.

"Well, anyway, I called to say goodnight."

"It's only seven o'clock."

"I got an early shift in the morning, if I live long enough to see it." Mandy sounded tired through her sunshiny personality.

Nick sighed, "Alright. Well have a good rest."

"You too."

Nick wandered into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. He reached in and pulled out a bottle of Advil PM. He took it while he was nursing some repetitive strain injuries that woke him at night with pain.

Physically, he wasn't in pain. Emotionally, he was mess.

_I'm not going to make it through this. I'm not going to sit everyday and watch kids being raped. I can't do this. I won't do this._

Nick picked up his cell and called Catherine, but it went immediately to voice mail, so he hung up.

It was no use complaining. He'd have to just do it. The last time he dreaded going to work was when he worked at the school cafeteria and had to report to a bitch of a boss named Debbie.

As he lay in bed with an arm slung over his eyes, images invaded his thoughts...the little girl, the look on her face...there were no words for Nick to describe it, however, there was a gleam of resonance there.

She looked how he felt almost thirty years ago.

As he watched the video, he fought to not type some voracious response to the pervert. Nick would have loved to have jumped into the video, smashed her father to bits, blown his head off with his gun, and then taken the little girl away from the whole place.

As his emotions swelled, his mind immediately sought refuge in a safe haven called 'science'. It rhymed off clues of the room. That it didn't look like a bedroom...it looked more like a hotel or motel room with its formalized setting of table and windows with flower-patterned curtains. The effects of the Advil PM took over and enveloped him in sleep, but it was dream filled.

"_Nicholas, are you okay?"_

_He nodded, listless. His mother's hand felt cool and soft on his forehead. He was slumped over stirring his cornflakes aimlessly. Nick was unable to formulate a sentence as to what happened the night before. His young mind searched for them, but they seemed to be hiding in a cave somewhere. He didn't want his parents to know what a rotten, horrible kid he'd been the night before.  
_

"_Jill, you should take Nick to the doctor."_

"_He's scheduled for his tonsils on Friday, Bill."_

"_Yes, but if he's got a fever, they'll delay it."_

_His mother ran a hand through his hair, "C'mon, honey, let's get you back to bed."_

_He looked up at his mother. "Mom, can I... can I sleep in your bed tonight?"_

_She eyed his dad who smiled, "I don't see any harm in that, Jill. I'm going to be in the study for most of the evening anyway."_

_Nick felt himself being shuffled upstairs where he curled into his mother's back and slept soundly. He awoke once to feel his dad crawl in and whisper to his mother that it was okay to 'let the boy stay with us given the circumstances.'_

_He fell back asleep with a small smile on his face, his world a bliss of security content. His secret safe. They'd never know. They didn't have to know. Nick knew his mom and dad would stop loving him if he told them his dirty, little secret.  
_

In a flash, Nick awoke feeling as if his body was on fire. He stared around nervously. His chest felt tight. His body ached, his stomach cramped up, and soon he made a trip to the washroom that left him weak and clammy. He grabbed some more Advil and swallowed them, then crawled back to bed, literally.

He made the call and reported it, then reported it to HR as required under the new H1N1 rules. "Don`t bring it here." was all he was told.

Next, he called Mandy. "Did you feel this awful?"

"I still feel awful. Do you want me to come over? They say you can't catch H1N1 again."

Nick ran a hand over his face and stared in despair around his cluttered room with clothes piling up and coffee cups lined up on his desk...some growing mould. "I just...got...stuff....to get done." He closed his eyes and mumbled, "Too tired."

"Say no more."

xxXXxx

Hacking, he awoke and saw Mandy set a bottle of water by his bed. Then she reached over and stroked his forehead gently. He noticed the dirty dishes were gone and his laundry neatly piled in baskets waiting to be put into their respective drawers. However, Mandy knew he was anal about what went where, which is he, he surmised, they were still in the white baskets. He wasn't an obsessive compulsive as Riley once accused him; it was more the security of not worrying where things were.

Plus he was forgetful, so he liked having order in his house.

"Thanks."He sat up and took a sip. "You didn't have to come over...not when you have it."

"I'm fine, did you go to the doctor to get Tamiflu?"

"No, I'll ride it out." Nick answered.

"Masochist." Mandy shook her head.

"No, there are other people who need it more than me." He said sipping the water and setting it back on the table.

Shaking her head in frustration, she sat on the edge of the bed. "I came to talk to you about something." Her face looked serious under her glasses.

_Uh oh!_

"You wanna dump me when I'm sick." His heart thumped under his phlegm-filled chest.

She snorted. "No, I have to go to New York to see my parents." Her eyes filled with tears. "I...uh, my father has colon cancer."

"Babe!" Nick reached out and took her into his arms. "I'm sorry." He rubbed her back gently and soothingly.

She smiled faintly into his shoulder. "They caught it early, so he'll be okay. But my mom needs me. She's falling apart."

"Yeah, you're the only daughter." Nick rubbed her back. "You talked to the lab?"

"Yeah...I'm getting six weeks so..." Mandy wiped a tear from her eye, "I've banked some sick time over the years, so I'm combining it with my vacation time."

Nick leaned back against the stack of pillows and sighed. "I know why you gotta go, but I just wish you were staying here for...obvious reasons."

Mandy nodded sympathetically and then asked, "You got Skype?"

"Yeah."

"We'll talk online." She leaned over and kissed him soundly, stirring energy between them. Nick gently pulled her into the bed.

"Don't you have the flu?" She smiled through their kisses.

"Honey, you can chop my limbs off and I'd still wanna make love to you," he growled. His hands slid eagerly into her creamy white, silk blouse and undid the clasp as he sensed her hands reach for his boxer briefs and pull them down.

With her on top rocking and squeezing with every stroke, they climaxed with an intensity born of depravation of days without intimacy since...days which Nick had found empty and filled with pain.

Intrusive thoughts and images seemed to drift, and with studied control he pushed them out. He was experienced at not allowing the graphic horror of his job to infiltrate the more pleasurable moments of his life. His hands worked double duty, pulling her hard against him as he bucked upwards before reaching around and working her into frenzy with a few buttons he knew by instinct to press at just the right moment.

His work paid off as he sensed her body tightening around him allowing him to lose control as bliss washed over him like cool spring rain.

She slumped over him and rested her head on his chest. Nick inhaled the sweaty smell from her hair and rubbed her clammy back as she regrouped.

"You okay?" he whispered, both arms enclosed around her.

"Not bad for a sick guy," she mumbled with a giggle into his chest.

"Told you I could do this." Nick laughed as he kissed the top of her head and then pulled her tighter. He didn't want her to go, but knew she didn't have a choice. He asked the dreaded question. "What time is your flight?"

"Tomorrow morning at 10 a.m." Mandy looked up. "I brought my suitcase over, so I can stay here tonight and then head out."

Nick sighed and smiled. "I'll try to let you sleep tonight."

Mandy smiled crookedly, slid off her glasses, and kissed him again.

xxXXxx

A scream awoke him. He sat up in bed, grasping the sheets. He looked around and saw trees waving through his windows. The scream wasn't outside. It was in his mind, but it tore through him every bit as much as if it were right in his bed.

Nick looked down at Mandy's naked, sleeping form and trembled. He didn't want her to go, but how could he tell her? What excuse could he give? He could not give voice to the images dancing around his head...images of victims intermingling...past and present victims with the same vacant look on their faces as innocence was being robbed of them slowly.

He sank back down and spooned her to him. No, he couldn't tell her. She had an obligation far more important than him.

Therefore, Nick concluded he would have to simply suck up the daily horror shows for the next few weeks or longer and hope his sanity would stay intact.


	5. Chapter 5

Honour Thy Child

Chapter 5

_You walk out into the sports hall_

_Lights go down_

_It's a whole different scene_

_The Fly, U2_

_Diclaimer: I own none of these characters._

_BETAs: Smokey and Nickyfan..thanks guys.._

_Reviews are how I decide whether to continue or not, but flames ARE NOT WELCOME!  
_

In the days following Mandy's departure, Nick was surprised as hell to realize how much he missed her. He was fully recovered from his bout with H1N1 and felt stronger than ever physically, but emotionally he was off. He felt a sense of emptiness and a vacancy within him.

Perhaps it was just this period of time where more support was garnered. He never liked to admit to anyone he needed 'emotional support', preferring to deal with stuff privately...not burdening anyone with the crap he dealt with daily.

Or maybe (and he never wanted to admit even to himself) she meant more to him than he'd thought. He'd always thought of himself as a lone wolf wandering through the woods of the world, taking care of matters when needed then retreating back into his world of solitude, a world he hadn't meant to enter, but life had thrown him some major pain and sometimes it was better to just go through it without getting to close to anyone. Everyone had their skeletons in the closet, and Nick felt it was better not to spend time comparing his tragedies to the others on the team. It was safer.

As for relationships, well, one night stands sufficed. Just wham, bam, thank you (most times he never bothered with thank you) ma'am. It earned him the reputation of being a 'player', but he longed stopped caring what people thought about him. Hell, he never even cared when the 'he's gay' rumours spread like wildfire when Greg 'quasi' flirted with him in a short-sighted attempt to ingratiate himself to the team. He was comfortable in his own skin and sexuality.

And a professional boundary was always a good thing.

After all, in the past year he'd lost too many people he'd grown close to. Warrick died leaving a void in his soul, and then Grissom left. Sara left and came back, but it wasn't the same. Then things didn't work out with the social worker. Then he was taken off the team and put in with a new group of people who all but shunned him with the exception of Julia and Kathy who took him in like the ugly duckling shunned from his flock.

He was a lone duckling in this flock. Perhaps to some an ugly duckling, but at least two of them were okay with him. Truth be known, there was a periphery within him long ago planted. He needed it to be safe. No part of him allowed for anyone to get too close, particularly women.

"It's not personal," Julia told him when he dared comment on being an outsider. "They've been through a lot and need to trust you is all."

This newfound isolation compounded his emptiness and loneliness. Yeah, he'd been dating Mandy, but he hadn't even told her he loved her because he wasn't sure. So this sadness of her leaving was a surprise.

They hadn't departed on exactly great terms. They'd had a small argument in the morning...some debate about why anyone should bother having kids...the world had too much sadness in it to procreate.

At least that's how he felt. Mandy told him he was being a pessimist; he'd told her he was being a realist. She decided, and wisely so, to drop the subject. Nick hated to lose in an argument, as did she.

She hadn't seen what he'd seen. Nick had come to surmise that kids were only brought into the world to be sick people's playthings. Logically, he knew it was not the case, but after watching so many videos, and talking online with so many perverts, how could he not think otherwise.

xxXXxx

"How's it going?"

Sara invited him to lunch one day in the break room...her treat from a local sandwich shop where she could order vegetarian sandwiches, for which she offered to buy one for Nick and he steadfastly refused.

Nick shrugged. "It's a job. I just wish I didn't have to watch that crap."

Sara stared him sadly. "It's not for long, Nick."

"How's the case going?" Nick asked, wanting to change the subject.

"We found the missing back seat!" Sara beamed. "It was wrapped up in tarpand found in a cave not far from where we...you found her."

"Wow." Nick sighed with relief. Seabird and Cane had ripped the seat out of the car and neither would reveal the whereabouts.

"Of course Mandy's on leave for two months so...we'll have to print it ourselves." Sara mumbled, "And I've got another case..."

"Mandy's only gone for six weeks," Nick corrected.

"How do you know?" Sara asked and then shook her head. "Never mind, but I thought you'd want to know."

"Did you find any blood?" Nick asked, laying the BLT on the foil wrapper.

"Greg sprayed it and it was positive for blood, not a lot but enough. We've sent a sample to Wendy for DNA and another to trace.

"They killed her after they were done with the video," Nick surmised. "Sheila videotaped Ben raping Maddie on the backseat and then...they killed her."

"We haven't found the weapon yet."

"COD was asphyxiation," Nick said. "She had ligature marks on her neck. There was bruising matching to that of his belt."

"She fought, though." Sara sighed and then smiled. "Doc found traces of Ben's skin under her fingernails."

"Good."

"Still doesn't prove he killed her," Sara told him. "It still could have been Sheila. Right now we're doing as he said," she said, "although it's most likely Ben with Sheila acting as his counterpart."

"You don't think Sheila is capable of sexual assault and murder, Sara?" Nick challenged. "I mean women are as every bit capable of such acts."

Sara's eyes widened. "I agree with you, Nick, but we have a video of Ben..."

"Maybe it was shut off when Sheila attacked her."

"There's no evidence to support an attack as such, Nick." Sara sipped her bottle of Evian water.

"Figures." Nick leaned back in the chair. "You know, it feels good being back in familiar territory." Just then his phone beeped. Reluctantly, he pulled it out and read the message from Julia: 'I have info on the video you watched. You should come back ASAP.' Groaning, he placed it back in the holder. "Duty calls." He stood up and said, "Thanks for lunch, Sara."

"No problem, Nick. Listen, Greg said you found some old videos at the house." Sara raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, some oldie goldies as they are called online."

"Have you watched them?"

"No, don't think it's necessary."

"You might. I mean it takes more than one person to run a child porn site, especially if they are uploading old videos," Sara said and then she said, "I was talking to Grissom the other night and told him..."

'Yeah...what did he say about my transfer?" Nick dreaded the answer.

She smiled. "You're the best thing that's happened to that unit."

"Really?"

"But he also wanted me to give you some information he had because when I told him my suspicions about it he told me that Russia was a hot bed for child porn industry. In fact, it's tied in with the mafia."

Eyebrows raised, Nick remarked, "It's plausible."

"And..." She pushed a file toward him. "I did a little research on Sheila Cane's father. He's serving time in jail for mob related activities. He's got major ties to the Russian Mafia."

"So you're saying there's more to this case than two perverts getting their jollies out of killing a little girl."

"It's a possibility," Sara said.

Nick nodded. "Okay, I'll take a look at them."

xxXXxx

Julia handed him some photos. "Okay, you owe me lunch."

"Do I now?" Nick took the photos and sat down at his cubicle.

"I've zoomed in and managed to find the name of that 'magic finger' bed you told me about. It's a company called, or was called, Beds R Fun."

"Great!" Nick said gleefully.

"Not so fast. It went under about ten years ago."

"Oh great."

"But," Julia smiled, "there's only one chain of motels that uses them...24/7 Incorporated. Here's their number."

"Good, did you call them?"

"No, that's your job." She grinned and went her way and then asked as she sat down at her cubicle, "How do you know about these beds?"

"That's for me to know and you to figure out if you're so smart." Nick pulled his chair into his desk.

With a heavy sigh, he looked up the chain of motels and then moaned aloud, "Oh man, there's like 100 of them."

"Then you're going to be busy calling them...or..." Julia looked at him, amused. "You can use the CETS system and send out a notice to the other police departments within those counties and have them look into them in their area."

Nick smiled. "That's a time saver."

"That's why we have the system, Stokes."

Smiling, Nick said, "Thanks, Bill Gates."

xxXXxx

Once the file was sent through CETS, Nick decided to look through the videos he and Greg had taken from the house of Sheila and Ben. Mandy had dusted them for prints and left the results for him to look at it. It was a very, very long list. The videos were carefully dated with the last one marked July 1980. The accompanying sheet showed the finger prints were mostly from Ben Seabird, but the rest were unknown.

Blowing out a breath, he heard a chirp from his computer. It was a message from Reno Police.

_Dear Mr. Stokes:_

_Thank you for your message about the video clip. You'll be relieved to know that the police were alerted to the home of the little girl in the video after teachers notified child protection early last week. The little girl had told them that her vagina was bleeding after daddy hit it. She is now with her grandmother. Her mother had passed away and the grandmother had lost track of her until she was contacted and asked to take the little girl in. She is safe._

Nick blew out a sigh of relief. He could at least put this case to rest. He responded with thanks and passed on the information to Gillespie who was walking by his desk.

"You found a needle in a haystack," the moustached man smiled.

"I didn't do anything. The kid did it herself. She was very brave," Nick said feeling a knot untie within him.

"No, don't be saying that, Nick. You did good. Congrats."

Gillespie strolled off while Nick brought out the video tapes. He was trying like hell to avoid going back to the website. If he had to talk to one more pervert he'd rip the monitor off his desk and hurl it into the next state.

"You want me to put those on a memory card for you?" Julia leaned over, slapping some gum on his desk.

"Do you mind?" Nick took the gum and shoved it into his mouth. It was their daily ritual. She passed him some gum, he passed her gum back. She passed over some mints, he returned likewise.

"No, it's probably better I do it. No telling what you'll do with them." She said with a teasing wink and then gathered them. "Wow BETA! Old school."

"Yeah, looks like the stuff my dad used to use on his video camera," Nick said. "My friend and I used it a few times in my room when we did skits."

"Sounds like fun." Julia chuckled, "I'll just confer with Archie and have them returned to you tomorrow."

"Thanks." Nick said gleefully noticing it was quitting and he and Mandy were schedule to talk online through skype.

xxXXxx

"How's your dad?" Nick asked while trying to figure the Skype gadget out, sipping a beer and munching a submarine sandwich.

Mandy's tired face appeared through the screen. "He's scheduled for surgery tomorrow."

Nick sighed. "Why did you tell Sara you were going for eight weeks?"

"I said six to eight weeks. I'm not sure." Mandy ran a hand through her black hair. "How's the job?"

"I found a needle in a haystack." Nick took a sip of beer from a long neck. "But I gotta go through some old videos and stuff."

"Why? Those victims are all grown," Mandy said.

"Just to find out who else is involved in the porn ring." He noticed Mandy drinking a glass of chocolate milk. "Since when do you like chocolate milk?" he asked.

"I've just had a craving for it lately," she said.

"Are you okay, Mandy?" Nick asked.

"I'm really tired. I don't think I fully recovered from the flu. I think someone gave me the flu again." She snickered.

"I think you've developed an immunity, my dear," Nick laughed.

She smiled. "I'd better go. I've got to get some rest as I'm driving my parents to the hospital."

"Talk to you later," Nick said with a small wave.

She blew him a kiss and the screen went blank.

xxXXxx

The team were a little more friendly to him the next day as he went in. Guess he'd earned a hero status with them of sorts.

"No, actually I told them to lay off," Julia explained as she handed him a memory card. "They're still suspicious of you. Don't take it personally." She had conferred with Archie about the technical aspect of transferring beta videos to computer to memory card.

"I'll try not to," Nick said as he went back to his desk and pulled out his iPod and slipped the earphones on. Listening to music was a great way to tune out the politics of the office.

Sara's words about links to Russian Mafia and child porn rang with him, so through a database he typed in Pavel Cane and read the information. A face appeared. He looked very spiff for a mobster, like that Vladimir Putin dude, only with thicker blonde hair. Sheila certainly looked like her dad. Same cold steel blue eyes, his mouth almost in a sneer as if mocking Nick from the screen.

He decided to make a call to Sara. "Have you interviewed Mrs. Cane yet?"

"Was just about to," she said as it sounded like it was outside the Lab.

"Can I come along?"

"Sure, but what about Ecklie?"

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

As he hung up the phone, he felt eyes on him. Maggie, the youngest in the office was staring down at him accusingly.

"You're supposed to be going through those videos." She said accusingly.

"I will." Nick answered both irritated and defensive.

"If you leave, I'll rat." Maggie warned resting her chin on the top of the cubicle.

"What's it gonna cost you not to?" Nick grumbled.

"Your iPod for the day. Mine broke."

Nick sighed and handed his to her. "Don't change the songs on there."

"I like U2." She stared at the list. "Whoa...old school U2."

"The best kind."

"I wasn't even born when these songs were out." She smiled. "You were like what...25? I kind of figure you're about their age."

Nick's smile dropped. "More like nine or ten. My brother was the big fan in our house, but then I got into their music too."

"_Can I borrow your record?"_

_Christopher stared him with all the love an older brother could muster. Nick was jumping up and down on his bed. His brother's bed was far more fun than his bed to bounce on because he could see over the roof of the house across the street. And it was the only furniture he could bounce on without offending his mother. The posters of U2, The Skids, and other assorted punk bands rose up and down with him. Father Stokes wasn't happy about his older brother's choice of music, but surmised the boy was going through a rebellious period._

_And Nick idolized his 19 year old brother and of course, had to listen to whatever he listened to._

"_Which one?"_

"_That one." Nick pointed to an album called "Boy"._

"_No way, that's my newest album." His brother turned back to his studies. He was home for Thanksgiving. "Why don't you go listen to Sesame Street or something?"_

"_I'm too old for that stuff." Nick flopped onto his butt on the bed. "I heard you play it. It's cool."_

"_Yeah, and it's an import, brat, now get out of here. I got to write an exam Monday and you're supposed to be taking it easy for your surgery."_

"_I'm fine." Nick wasn't fine. His throat hurt. He was getting his tonsils out next week. He wasn't looking forward to it, but was looking forward to all the ice cream and popsicles he'd be feasting on after. He could almost taste it._

xxXXxx

The sun blazed through the window of Mrs. Brenda Cane's living room. A wind chime tinkled softly behind cream-coloured lace curtains.

"Mrs. Cane?" Brass asked. "How you can live in a house knowing full well your daughter and her boyfriend were producing child porn?"

"I wasn't aware of it. I never go into that room," she said sitting on the couch with arms folded, her long blonde hair in soft waves over her shoulders.

Nick stood off in the corner. Brass had instructed him to stay 'hands off'. "You're not a CSI anymore."

Those words stung like a son of a bitch!

"You had to have some awareness," Sara said, sitting on a cream-coloured and gold-coloured trim wing back."We found your fingerprints in there."

"I go in to dust the room."

Mrs. Cane then stared directly at Nick in an absurd way that gave him the creeps, almost as if she were leering at him. He was used to being checked out by women, but this was...this was different.

He cleared his throat and looked out the storm window and watched the birds splash about in a marble birdbath complete with a marble boy pouring water into it, the sun reflecting off the water. Hummingbirds flocked around a feeder perched on a stand in luminous garden of sunflowers, daises and oriental lilies.

"Are you from Dallas?"

Confused, Nick turned his head toward and paused before answering. "Yeah."

"Me too." She smiled at this. "You look familiar." Her smile was phoney as can be because it didn't correspond with the coldness in her blue eye. Nick simply turned his head back to the scenery outside but could feel the weight of her stare on him, he shifted away from the window and moved into the shadows.

"Okay, let's dispense with the class reunion," Brass interjected. "You know what I think, Mrs. Cane? I think you know more about this than you're saying. Your husband is part of some Russian mob and..."

"And that has nothing to do with me," she said very coolly, her eyes sill focussed on Nick who shifted into the shadows of the house where her eyes couldn't penetrate him.

Sara, however, couldn't let go. "Is there something you want to say to Mr. Stokes?"

Nick stayed frozen to his spot in the shadows. It was a mistake to come here.

"That he's judging me very harshly, like he judged Madison's mother."

Angered, Nick cleared his throat and was about to say something when Sara held up her hand and said, "He's not on the case about Madison. He's on the case about the child pornography."

"We want to know more about it, Mrs. Cane," Brass cut in. "Like how much your ex-husband is involved."

"I don't know. You'll have to ask him." She leaned back into the chair. "My husband's been in jail for quite some time now." Her southern accent was clearly showing through. "I married him a long time and we divorced shortly after Sheila was born."

Nick stared at the photos of Sheila, noting how unhappy she looked as she got older. "Has she had much contact with her father?" he asked nonchalantly, staring amused at a porcelain crucifix on the table.

"Just in the past two years when she and Ben started dating. Ben kind of brought them back together."

"Really?" Nick was sceptical. "So were they on friendly terms?"

"Somewhat, but I don't know much about it."

Nick walked by a shelf with pictures. One caught his eye. "West Dallas High," He said aloud, not meaning to.

"I went there until I dropped out," Mrs. Cane said. "Are you familiar with the high school?"

"No," Nick answered in an outright lie as it was his high school as well, but he didn't remember her, and he knew by then he was interrupting the process, "I'll go wait in the car." He nodded to Sara and Brass who smiled grateful he'd picked up the cues.

As he walked out he heard, "You're Judge Bill Stokes son? Aren't you?"

"There might be a connection." Nick was frozen to the spot and avoided her gaze.

"No, I can see the resemblance between you and him, although your mother and you look more alike."

Nick swallowed. "I don't know if I remember you."

"I went to high school with your brother, but he was two grades ahead of me. I took an Economics course with your sister, Emily."

"I still don't remember you, Mrs. Cane." Nick insisted finally mustering the courage to look at her.

"I wasn't Mrs. Cane then. My maiden name is Poirier."

Studying her, Nick now realized why she'd been staring at him for so long. "Did your family know my family?"

"My mother worked in the courthouse as a clerk," Brenda said. "So they knew each other somewhat."

Nick flicked a quizzical look over to Brass and simply said, "Small world, but I'm going to the car." He felt a bit dizzy and nauseated at the unwanted reunion.

xxXXxx

In the passenger side of Sara's car, Nick took deep gulps to try to regain his equilibrium. He wasn't big on meeting people from his home town since the Murder Central situation.

And the fact that someone connected to his family may or may not be involved in child pornography freaked him to no end. Clearing his throat, he decided to e-mail his brother to ask if he remembered a Brenda Cane It took a moment for the first name to register. He typed the message on his iPhone and was responded to right away.

_Doesn't ring a bell, but I can look it up in my yearbooks tonight and get back to you._

Nick typed in a thank you and heard the car door open. Sara got in and blew out a breath.

"Well that must have been freaky for you."

"Yeah," Nick answered nonplussed. "I don't remember her, but my brother might."

"It's not relevant to the case."

"Maybe not your case, but mine." Nick slid his shades back on.

Copyright: SM


	6. Chapter 6

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 6

_Your mother left me here to mind you_

_Now I'm doing what I want to_

_Fiddle about, fiddle about_

_You won't shout as I fiddle about_

_Fiddle About, The Who_

_A/N: I'm sorry this chapter took so long. Please be warned some contents might be hard to read._

_Thanks NickyFan for taking time to BETA this chapter. Your suggestions were dead on!_

Other than revealing a history, there wasn't much gained from the interview with Brenda Cane (or Poirier), but Nick was convinced there was more to her than meets the eye. She was connected to the murder of Madison Conway and she was connected to Ben Seabird's Child Porn Empire.

"All you have is a hypothesis, Nick." Sara said as they walked into the LVPD while he explained his theory.

"So that's a start." Nick said exasperated. Sara spent too much of her career with Grissom and Nick was afraid her training had lost its human element. He had a hunch about this broad, and his hunches were almost 100 per cent.

"Yeah, but you can't just create a hypothesis and hope your evidence works around it."

"That's not what I'm doing." He checked his messages on his Blackberry and sure enough, the unit had been trying to find him.

"Look, I'm going to have to hold firm here, Nick." Sara said, determined, "This is my case now. I'm in the lead, you weren't technically supposed to be there today, but you were and it was hijacked by your reunion with a local."

"That wasn't my fault."

"I know but I'm going to have to tell you in a nice way to butt out." Sara said with a warm smile on her face.

Gritting his teeth in frustration, Nick mumbled, "Fine."

Still smiling sympathetically at him, Sara patted his arm, "I know you hate this job and you hate having to deal with that stuff all day. It's one thing to have a case here and there, but to sit all day and go through that crap."

With a heavy, defeated sigh, Nick shoved his hands in his pocket, "I go home, but the images stay in my head. I talk to you guys, but I feel as if I'm tainted or something. I just want to transfer back, but when I asked Ecklie, he said no."

His jaw clenched as he went on, "In fact, he hinted I might have to stay on longer. I don't know why. They treat me like a moron over there except for three of them. At least, the boss likes me. That's a change." He threw a knowing look at Sara who shook her head in dismay.

"Grissom liked you."

"Yeah right." Nick huffed.

"Don't be offended but have you talked to the department shrink?" Sara raised an eyebrow as Nick groaned in exasperation. He never talked to that person, only briefly after he came back to work after his burial and even then it was more of a "Yes, I'm fine." And "No, I'm not going to go ballistic when an ant crawls on my crime scene."

"I don't need to. I cope by knowing I don't have to stay on for very long." Nick smiled back assuring, and then said, "It's fine Sara, I'll be fine. I just wanted to vent away."

"I'm here if you need anything." Sara said, her eyes denoted she was completely unconvinced. She knew him too well. You can't work alongside with someone for so long without developing a 'telepathic' sense about them. Nick hated it but appreciated it for the most part; it's nice when someone cares.

"Thanks," he said,

xxXXxx

Julia was setting a flash card on his desk when he walked in. "Where were you?"

"Visiting Mrs. Cane." He folded his arms defiantly ready to challenge this gal.

She glared for a second and gestured to the flash card. "This is ready for you to look at. They took longer than expected given the age of the BETAs."

"Why couldn't we download them from the website?"

"Someone blocked the attempt." Julia shrugged.

He sat down in his chair, noticing the light flashing on his phone.

"Do they have priority?"

"Not really."

"They can wait."

Nick then tried to login and was received with "All Systems Are Going Through Maintenance. Please Try Again Later."

Blowing out a breathe, Nick decided he had no choice but to watch these videos. He slipped the flash card in and waited.

The first one was called "His First Time." It was very grainy, given the clothing of the people in the video, Nick surmised it was shot in the early 1980s.

A little boy of about nine appeared. He was sitting cross legged on his bed coughing. He sipped a glass of water, set it carefully next to a lamp and then laid back in the bed. He was dressed in pyjamas adorned with Luke Skywalker and Hans Solo and curled under a black and red tartan comforter.

"Is this your dad's?" A female, teenage voice asked.

"Yeah." His voice was very hoarse.

"How are you feeling?"

"My throat really hurts." He complained with a cough and then asked, "May I have another popsicle?"

Nick's eyes narrowed as he leaned in closer. The little tyke had brown curly hair, and dark eyes and was chewing his nails.

_I chewed my nails a lot as a kid. Mom always smacked my hands away._

A teenage girl appeared with long, blond flowing hair, a tight t-shirt and waist high jeans.

_Definitely an eighties look._

"You can after you do what I ask." She leaned over and pulled him tightly to her, "You'll enjoy it, so much..."

_...so very much..._

Nick's head snapped and he shook the intrusive voice out of his head...

...but it wasn't only a voice it was also happening on tape...

"I don't want to do it." The little boy shook his head and pushed her hand away which was in a very inappropriate place, "I don't want the popsicle anymore, I just want to go to sleep." His discomfort was so apparent, but the teenage girl was very determined and her hands proved the point.

"You do want the popsicle!"

"No I don't." His shirt was now off and she had forced him to the bed. "Please don't." His voice was quivering.

Nick felt his stomach coil, his jaw tighten as he watched the attack continue.

"Do you like this?" she asked.

"You're hurting me." The little boy was sobbing by now. "I can't breathe, please stop!"

"You're doing so well." She gasped, "You're doing so well…Nicky."

Nick blinked, feeling the air in his lungs disappear.

_No! It couldn't be! Yeah he had his dad's video camera in the room, but it was turned off. This was just a coincidence. This wasn't him. There's tons of Nicky's in the world._

He calmed himself down and watched the rest of the video. He studied the rest of the room...Star Wars posters, posters of planets and another one of a lion.

"_Gotta cover up the hole in the wall before dad finds out!"_

His attention turned back to watching the little boy sit up in bed. Naked and crying he asked where his clothes were and she handed them to him in a crumpled bundle. His hands shook as he slid them back on over his scrawny knees and bony arms and legs.

_Good lord Stokes, is that boy of yours ever going to grow! _

_C'mon son, eat some more of your mom's dinner. You need some meat on those bones of yours._

_Finally the little boy looked up at the girl, defiant and angry, "I don't want my popsicle anymore, Brenda!"_

Nick swallowed hard again and felt his lips quivering. His mouth was as dry as sandpaper.

_No, it can't be!_

A female naked body walked towards the camera and it went blank.

For the longest time, he stared at the computer screen as the LVPD screen saver swirled around. He didn't even notice everyone else had packed up and left. Maggie had left his iPod on his desk for him. His chin rested in his hands as he gathered enough wit about him to maintain control and left, slipping the flash card into his pocket.

On his way out, he bumped into Catherine.

"Hey there stranger." she smiled warmly.

Nick nodded to her and said, "I'm sorry I got to get home."

"Is everything okay, Nicky?" Catherine asked, her face etched with concern.

For a moment, a very brief moment, Nick wanted to ask her, no beg her, to please, please let him come back to the team. Please let what he just saw be put back into Pandora's quaking box.

"I'm fine. I'm tired." He told her with a tight voice. "See yah." And off he ran feeling her stare after him.

xxXXxx

Nick had a message on his phone from Mandy asking to call her right away, her dad was fine but she needed to talk to him.

He didn't call back instead he went over to a bookshelf and pulled some old photo albums out and slamming them onto the table, flipping them open.

_No...God no..._

_The camera wasn't even on. Dad told him to shut it off._

_But he didn't know how to shut it of, so he left for when the family got home from visiting Great Grandma Rose Stokes who was in a nursing home and couldn't have sick, little boys near her._

Nick stopped at some pictures of himself and a playmate about nine. Then with shaking fingers, he opened his lap top, and slid the flash card in waiting achingly for the images to come on screen. His Dell lap top was so damn slow.

As the video began to play, Nick hit the pause button on Windows Media Player and compared images. His eyes darted back and forth between the picture of the boy in the photo album and the frightened one on the screen.

His chest tightened, his breathing was shallow as realization and revelations weighed on the last vestiges of his sanity.

_That wasn't me._

Same posters.

_That wasn't me._

Same comforter

_No it wasn't me. It wasn't me!_

Same Star Wars pyjamas.

Nick covered his mouth with a trembling hand, while hot tears slid fast and furious down his face dropping onto the photo album. He collapsed into the chair, shaking as the tears streamed fast. It was as if the Little Dutch Boy had grown tired of holding back the dam of denial within Nick and had pulled his finger away.

The dam burst as cavernous sobs tore through him.

"_Please stop. You're hurting me. I can't breathe." He was clearly crying by now._

"_Shut up!"_

"_I'll tell my mom."_

_Two hands pressed around his throat, "You won't, because they'll blame you. Nobody believes the boy. They'll know you did it."_

_Nick closed his eyes and waited, waited for it to be over. It felt...so awkward...his body seemed possessed by some evil ghost like that little girl in the Exorcist, a movie he and his brother watched on the sly._

_Fully dressed, he curled up in the bed afterward, holding his breath until his mother got home. He heard the door open and smelled his mother's Charlie perfume. His arm curled around an old ratty teddy bear he'd drug around for years. He let out a sigh of relief and felt his body relax._

_He was finally safe._

"_Nicky, you have a fever." His mother ran a hand across his forehead as he squeezed his eyes hard. "Are you okay?"_

_He opened his eyes and was about to say something when he noticed Brenda standing there, smugly smiling, but with a hint of a warning in her eyes._

_Nick looked at his mother and croaked, "I'm okay."_

_He looked to Brenda for approval and received a smile as she said, "He slept most of the night."_

"_Would you like a popsicle?" his mother asked._

_Shaking his head slowly, he said "No, thank you."_

The sobs were forming a cadence as Nick sat back up, pushed himself up and wearily walked away from the table, before slumping onto the couch feeling sickened. He reached into his pocket and texted a message to his teammates, his fingers trembling with each touch.

"Can you guys tell me how many hits _Oldie Goldies_ got?" A ticking bomb emerged then, louder and louder as he sent the message.

He laid there holding his gut, trying to keep the screams of rage intact. Then he heard a beep and looked at his Blackberry. It was from Julia who had to go back into work to finish a report.

_About 100,000, the one called "His First Time" seems to be a favourite. The pervs have a sickening attraction to the little boy. They wonder where he is so they can get a piece of the action. Archie sent some infos to you. The date of the film is July 1980. Julia_

He snapped, sat up, roared over to the table and hurled the lap top across the room where it smashed into a wall, shattering.

A raging lunatic had taken over him, while the rest of the nubile Nick Stokes went dormant, hiding. Because that wasn't him toppling the couch, the table and all four chair. No, way in hell was it he, flinging trophies around like confetti at a victory parade. And it certainly was not him grabbing his degrees off the wall and hurling them like baseballs across the room. No it wasn't him whipping cushions, kicking the coffee table over, magazines and his chess board crashing into a heap.

Then as if caught in the eye of raging storm, he stopped as the two parts merged once more and he collapsed in a sweaty and dishevelled heap, sobbing as the pain gripped his soul like a vice. He rolled to his side and cried harder than he had in month. The last time was when Warrick died. He spent days crying for his lost friend, before he again detached himself for the sake of holding down a job while dealing with searing pain at a loss of someone who had been there for him in his most trying times.

And Nick thought he had done a good job with it until Haley Jones' murder. There he realized his grief had abbreviated his thorough forensics skills and closed the case of her birth mother's murder by her step-mother.

Gathering himself, his breathing returning to normal, he came to a stark and painful realization. Brenda Cane was Brenda Poirier, his molester. The woman who held his soul hostage for almost 30 years, the vicious bitch who took his innocence from him that night, stole it more accurately and left her damn mark on him forever.

After all, you always remember your first.

It wasn't a good one to remember.

_The sun was rising when he awoke the next morning. Nick stole down the steps as quiet as a church mouse, opened the door carefully so as not to allow it to creak and snuck into the garage to grab a shovel and then skirted to the garden next to the grave of Mr. Whiskers, their 14 year old cat who passed away a few months ago. The kids had a funeral for the cat. He knew his mother would never plant anything here. Quickly, Nick dug a hole as deep as his little hands could muster. As soon as he was satisfied with the depth, he shoved his pj's from the night before into it and then covered it up. _

_He curled back into bed and then noticed the smell. He smelt her on it. Nick jumped out of the bed, pulled the sheets off the bed and shoved them into the closet. Later he would grab a popsicle and smear it all over them so he'd have a reason if his mother asked why they were in the wash when she'd just wash them a few days ago. Awkwardly, Nick made up the bed with new sheets and a woollen blanket. _

_The rest of the day flowed by in a dream state. He took down the rest of his Star Wars posters and put some new posters of planets and animals, and even a U2 poster up. The band adorned in mullets looking forlorn in their poses. _

_At lunch hour, his mother tussled his brown curls, he ducked his head away and she simply asked, "Are you okay, Nicky?"_

_Nick looked up at his mother and nodded as she set a bowl of chicken soup on the table for him. He swirled the noodles around in the green bowl with yellow flowers, set against red and white checkered table clothes. His brother was upstairs listening to some strange music._

"_You've been awfully quiet. Do you want to go to the doctor?"_

_He shook his head and stared up at his mother, her brown thick hair done up in a tight bun with white combs buried in the tresses. She was dressed in jeans and a white blouse with a string of pearls his father had given her._

"_Are you nervous about getting your tonsils out?"_

_Nick shrugged dispassionately._

"_Maybe you'll feel better when it's all over, right?" He sensed concern in her voice. His mother had taken a few weeks off to stay home with him before and after his tonsillectomy. Nick had been off sick so many times last year the doctor felt it was best to remove the nuisance tonsils._

_He couldn't remember the surgery, but did remember how the next few weeks he slumped on the couch watching TV for the rest of the summer in an almost catatonic state. _

"_Bill, do you think we should take Nick to talk to someone? He's barely spoken since before his surgery." He overheard his mother say._

"_Just leave the boy alone, he's recovering." His father snarked from behind a newspaper._

_Nick became absorbed in a baseball game on TV, so he jumped up and cried out when he felt a hand touch him._

"_It's just me." his sister, Lila, said. She was wearing a t-shirt with Shaun Cassidy on it and had pig tails. She was one year older, but everyone thought they were twins by their dark brown hair and brown eyes. In fact, everyone referred to them as 'the twins' "How come you're not talking to me, Nicky, have I done something?"_

_He shook his head. No._

"_Don't you wanna come out and play with me?"_

_Again he shook his head._

"_What about hanging in the tree house?"_

_Again a head shook._

"_Look boy!" his father snapped from behind the newspaper, "Go out and get some fresh air, you hear me! You're not going to spend the rest of the summer slumped in a chair watching TV."_

"_Bill, the boy is still recovering."_

"_He'll do better out getting some vitamin D."_

_Reluctantly, Nick slid out of the chair and went outside and climbed up the rope ladder they'd made and sat in the treehouse until dusk, simply staring at the orange sun as it set it in the desert._

Calmness took hold of him and he sadly took in his very own crime scene.

As the memory seeped back into the vaults, Nick now understood fully the pain of his job, why he was being avoidant in his tasks. It was simple; watching the victims onscreen mirrored his own trauma. Their eyes matched his eyes.

His wits finally settling, he went about sorting the flown debris. He gathered up the broken trophies and set them on the table while he set another still intact trophy back in its place on the shelf before squatting down and picking up the chess game with its pieces. Then he sadly surveyed the victim of his crime. The lap top, as it lay in crumpled pieces.

"Well at least it's my lap top and nobody else's." he commented as he picked it up. He noticed the flash card in front of it. He picked it up and set it carefully on his table in the bowl of apples.

The phone on the table rang and he stared at it. He suspected it was Mandy, so he picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me." Mandy's voice greeted him.

"Hey." Nick's voice was tight and tense.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You don't fool me, Stokes, what is it?"

"Just this job." He felt a lump growing in his throat, "How's your dad?"

"He's doing well. He's already demanding we take him to his favourite pizza place."

Nick said gingerly, "That sounds great. I'm glad."

"Yeah, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about, but you know it can wait." Mandy sighed, "You sound really tired."

"I am." Nick said, "I'm going to have a beer and then head to bed."

She was quiet for a minute and then said, "Sure, that sounds great. I'll talk to you later."

Nick clicked the phone as his mind ticked and pondered his next move. He had snuck the flash card out without anyone's knowledge. Hopefully he could sneak it back in or come clean with his team leaders and hoped they'd understand.

Now, here was the conundrum. In his reading of the position, there was a section which dictated the job wasn't suitable for persons who had experienced sexual trauma. He could reveal this video to his bosses, but then it would get around the lab. The only person who knew of his history was Catherine.

Should he tell her about it?

"_Hey Nick, where's the video?"_

_His friend Kyle was looking at the Sony Camera on Nick's desk. His father had just purchased it for the purpose of home movies, but Nick and his friend had been recording re-enactments of Star Wars before his operation._

"_I don't know." Nick could barely look at the camera, in fact he planned to take it out of his room and put it in the family room. The thing was so huge with its big lens and holder for the video. He just wanted it out. He had thrown a blanket over it claiming he wanted to keep the dust off of it._

_His friend was jealous because they were the only family on the block that had a portable video camera. It cost his dad well over $1000 but memories were priceless as far as he was concerned._

Nick walked over to the table and put it upright and then found the photo album. His mother had allowed him to make copies of pictures of his childhood at the local Wal-Mart the last time he was there. He was planning to show pictures to April, but then they broke up when he caught her cheating on him with another social worker.

As he looked through the pages checking for missing pictures, he noticed the smiles, or lack of, in the pictures from the summer of 1980. His mother had told him his recovery was very slow, slower than the doctor expected. Nick remembered visiting a lot of doctors that summer and a lot of needles...

At one point, she thought something in the anaesthesia had caused him to become Autistic. His father told her she was being foolish, but she was convinced as she had read it somewhere.

"_Well then you explain to me why our youngest son has suddenly taken to acting like a Buddhist monk!"_

"_Oh leave the boy alone, Jill. He's fine." He turned to Nick as they sat at the table one evening, "Nicholas Parker Stokes, have you taken a vowat of silence?"_

_He shook his head._

"_Are you protesting President Carter's inefficient manner of dealing with the hostages in Iran, son?"_

_Nick shook his head._

"_When they took your tonsils out, did they take your voice box out, too?"_

"_No dad." Nick finally answered stirring some mashed potatoes around the plate, making a small mountain of it._

"_Then do us a favour and start talking more."_

"_Sure dad." Nick scooped a bit of his dinner into his mouth, "Whatever you say."_

Nick closed the photo album and set it back onto his shelf. After that, he decided to fake it, fake being normal until well, he became normal after a long while. It was simple. Forget it happened and it would go away.

After all, he never saw Brenda Poirier again. He overheard his brother telling his mom she ran off with some 'old guy' in a Mercedes Benz never to be seen again. Nick sat on the stairs at the time and remembered feeling huge relief because he was not only afraid she'd baby sit again, but she would tell his dirty secret.

Unbeknownst to him, his dirty secret was out there. In fact almost 100,000 perverts watched his attack online.

How did she get the video out of the house?

Nick shuffled into the kitchen and pulled a long-neck out of the fridge and popped it open.

Shell shocked was how he felt, he'd felt the emotion many times, but not like this. He felt the same feeling he'd felt almost 30 years ago.

Degraded.

Humiliated.

Rage!

And knowing full well, he'd done something very, very bad. So bad, his parents would stop loving him.

A small part of him wondered if they would so, even now. It was highly illogical, but he'd been witness to enough sexual assaults to know families have a wide variety of reactions from pity to outright anger even at their children.

What his parents didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

He would go back to work and slide the card back into its place and pretend nothing had happened. None of this was relevant to the case, or the cases. Who knows where the rest of those victims are.

Although, wouldn't he like to see the bitch brought to justice? Maybe, there were others.

Nick sat down on the bottom step of his staircase and pondered his next move. Brenda Poirier would see justice, not because of what happened to him but because there were others. Most of the perverts never stop at one.

xxXXxx

Sleep stood him up like a bad date.

Nick had finished tidying up his living room, putting everything back in order. Now he sat gluing his broken trophies back together. They'd never look the same. Six bottles of beer sat in a triangle formation in front of him.

He had just set the Crazy Glue down when he realized he'd put the bronze football player on the baseball trophy and vice versa, the site of which provoked Nick into a fit of laughter. Insane, giddy laughter and he decided to leave it as it is; it was sort of an ironic joke. In fact, he followed suit with all his trophies and wondered what his parents would say when they visited him.

They'd think he lost his goddamn mind.

Oh well. Everyone else in Vegas thought he'd lost his mind years ago when he was buried alive. He didn't then, and he sure hadn't now. But it was nice to keep people on edge.

As a robin twitted outside, Nick turned around and saw an orange glow peer cheerfully through the wooden blinds. Night had come and gone. He thankful the weekend was here, but he was behind at work.

His mind was still ticking like an out of control clock, the minute hand swirling; thoughts raced through his head, and drove him almost mad. He wanted justice. He wanted revenge.

Nick wanted a lot of things that he couldn't have. He wanted Warrick to be alive. He wanted his old team back together. Hell, he even missed snarky Riley.

He still thought about the day he caught April passionately kissing some guy in the office. He had turned around and walked away. Simply texting she that he'd seen everything and it was over. Done with.

He wished he hadn't caught her cheating on him. He liked to talk to her about a lot of stuff going on. He couldn't forget that image, however. Nick couldn't deal with the proverbial kick in the balls knowing some other guy was banging her.

He wished Mandy was back. He wished she was here kicking his Texan ass at Scrabble and Grand Theft Auto.

He wanted the pain to stop.

He wanted to get the website shut down.

A sane part told him he needed to tell someone. It was a soft whisper and he remembered passing Catherine in the hall earlier and wanting desperately to share his new found information with her. She would understand, support him and then find a solution.

But he couldn't tell her because he didn't believe it for himself.

Nick packaged up the remains of his lap top and decided later on he'd head over to his friend Mike who owned a computer store and where he occasionally got refurbished ones from IBM or Dell. He'd see if the geeky kid could salvage what was left of his hard drive.

But for now, he'd finish beer number 7 and head off to bed and sleep.

He'd try at least.

_A/N: The song I chose to begin this chapter is from The Who's Tommy. The movie is about a child who witnesses a trauma and becomes cationic as a result. He's left alone with his Uncle Ernie who molests him._

_The song was written by John Enwistle and rumour has it was based on an event which happened to Pete Townsend when he was a child._

_The song has a maddening element to it and I picked it to gage into Nick's mindset when it's revealed his molestation was videotaped and broadcast to the world.  
_


	7. Chapter 7

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 7

_I awoke with a tear on my tongue  
I awoke with a feeling of never before  
In my sleep I discover the one  
But she ran with the morning sun_

_Another time, Another Place, U2 _

**_A/N: Reviews are appreciated but flames are not._**

_**Thanks Nickyfan**  
_

_Screams, cries for help, high pitched wails..._

_Eyes…browns and blues…filled with fear…_

_Filled with confusion..._

_Their mouths calling to him to save them…_

_Nick stood before a bed where a little boy sat. His thin arms hugging his bony knees to his chest. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over at him. Star War posters surrounded him. He turned and saw the light on the video camera blinking, with an open slot where a video used to be._

"_It wasn't your fault." Nick reached out._

_The little boy's head snapped up, brown eyes enraged as a screech escaped his lips. He dove towards Nick and his hands grasped around his neck. Why didn't you stop her!"_

Nick jolted upright, sweat forming a like a morning dew on his skin. He grabbed the comforter and looked around the sun-lit room as another scream filled his ears, only this time it was a different kind of scream.

"Mommy! Ice cream! The ice cream truck is here." His neighbor's eight year old daughter Mackenzie shouted out along with the merry, chime tune from the white truck.

A gasp-filled chuckle escaped his throat as he listened to the frenzy of kids squealing in delight for ice cream and it dawned on him that this job was starting to have an effect on him.

_This is the only kind of shrieking kids should be doing._

He glanced over at his clock radio and noticed it was five o'clock in the afternoon. The effects of the beer still fogged his brain as he rubbed his temples. Then he reached over to check his iPhone which he silenced before he went to sleep.

Ten messages, five text and five voice mails. Four of them were from Mandy, three from Sara and three from Gillespie.

_Shit!_

Immediately, he listened to Gillespie who in his Georgian drawl said, "Stokes, this is Gillespie. Sorry to bother on your weekend off but do you mind giving me a call at my cell?"

"Hey, it's Stokes." Nick bit his lower lip. He could hear the sound of chatter in the background and a dog barking. Gillespie was known for being an upstanding citizen in the corrupt world of Vegas law enforcement. He'd been married to the same woman for over 20 years and had three kids, two dogs and a cat named Fatso -a skinny Siamese cat who chat Nick up once when he had dinner at their house.

"Nick." He sounded pleased to hear from him, "Sorry to bother you on the weekend, but Julia says there's a flash card missing from the Seabird file."

Gulping nervously, Nick cleared his throat, "I'm sorry I should have told her…I took it home to look over some stuff since I'm behind."

He expected to be reamed but instead he got, "That's fine. It's not ideal to bring that crap out of a secure facility. You know Ecklie and I are looking to have it on lockdown 24/7 but not at this point, so you didn't break any rules. Just let Julia know, so she's not having a bird. She's very particular about where everything is. It's part of her talent, but it's a headache for the rest of us slobs." He chuckled at the end of the sentence.

"I'm sorry. I'll call her right away and let her know." Nick was relieved. Grissom would have reamed up one side and down the other.

"Something else too…word has it you were having a rough time on Friday with a video. Do you want to talk about it?" Nick could hear the chatty Siamese meowing away while a dog panted on the phone.

"No, it's okay. I'm fine. I'm getting used to it. It...just…wears on my psyche at times, but I'll be okay." Nick answered, "Thanks for asking."

"Well, it's not an easy job, Nick and it's important I keep tabs on my team's well being. May I advise you it's best to leave the files here for your own mental health?"

"Copy that." Nick answered trying earnestly to sound cheerful, but it felt and _sounded_ forced.

"You sure you're okay?" Gillespie wasn't fooled.

"Yeah." The Texan wasn't used to a boss that actually cared about how a case was affecting him mentally. He'd learned to bottle things up while working with Grissom, knowing the bug man expected as such from his team. So this new touchy, feely approach from Gillespie was a bit hard to swallow. "Look, thanks for calling. I'll text Julia and calm her down and I'll be in later with the flash card."

"No, you can return it Monday."

"No, I'll...I'd rather just have it out of here. It…creeps me having it in here."

"I understand."

After he finished the call he decided to text Mandy as she sounded worried on the phone.

"I'm fine."

Then he tried to call Sara, but only got her voice mail. He texted her but got no response and then it dawned on him that Grissom was in town, and well, obviously she didn't want to be bothered. However, a part of him wished he could visit with Grissom and share his newfound an latest angst in hopes of receiving some wisdom of sorts. Nick also knew the bugman would never share his dirty secrets. But for some reason, perhaps because of gender, Nick couldn't reveal his past to Grissom or Greg due to unfounded shame, guilt or disgust with himself. Hell, Warrick went to his grave without even knowing this much about him.

Logically, Nick knew he was not at fault for any of this, the molestation, the video taping.

The pseudo logic didn't help any victim of such a crime.

As he ran his hands up and down his legs, Nick surmised he'd have to deal with this on his own, like he did with Nigel Crane, like he did with his burial and most importantly like he did as a kid. He'd store this one away in his memory vault like buried treasure.

Well there was someone he could tell but she was off with Vartann at a vineyard.

Slowly he dressed in a fresh pair of track pants and a t-shirt and decided to go for a walk, a hike more like it.

xxXXxx

He didn't bother to bring his phone with him. Nick wanted to be alone and everyone else could just damn well wait.

No, Nick needed time to process what he'd discovered.

_How did she leave with the tape?_

_Why didn't my parents know something happened?_

These thoughts ran circles in his head like kittens chasing their tails as he walked along a trail at Lake Mead. Birds chirped merrily as rocks and sticks crunched under his sneakers. It was a bright sunny day as he came upon a boulder under tree and he walked over, crawled up and sat on it. Some days, when he found the time, he would take a hike through the trails enjoying the hot sun. Usually he jogged, but still slightly hung over and still feeling as he'd been hit by a 18 wheeler, Nick decided to take it a little easy. But he still kept a good pace going, enough to kick back at the cortisol coursing through him, too much of it could cause damage to his system.

_I'm already damaged. My soul is rotten to the core._

"_Nick, honey you're running a fever."_

_Nick stood by his mother's bed. It was twenty four hours after his...event and all he wanted was his Mom. His father had to go to a conference for about two days and even though he was nine years old, he wanted to crawl in with his Mom and go to sleep._

"_Can I sleep with you?" His voice squeaky like a mouse thanks to inflamed tonsils. _

_His mother's brown eyes studied him from under a head full of rollers. She reached over and felt his forehead and the side of his head. "As soon as I gave you some Aspirin, you can crawl in."_

_He smiled and crawled under the rose-patterned comforter. After he took the tablet, he curled into his mother's back tightly, a deep need to feel safe._

"_Sweetie, did…something happen with Brenda last night? Did she do anything to scare you?"_

_Nick opened his eyes wide and quickly answered, "She had her boyfriend over and he was just weird, is all."_

"_She wasn't supposed to have anyone over, honey. We told her so."_

"_I guess she didn't listen."_

"_Is that all?"_

"_Yeah," Nick closed his eyes, "Night, Mom."_

Nick clenched his fists for a second an then said aloud, "Damn you, Mom! Why didn't you push it! Why didn't you force me to tell you! If it were my kid! Well I'd want to know so I could fucking kill the son of a bitch, or bitch or whoever it would do it!"

He had told Mandy a few weeks ago about why he didn't want kids. It was simple. He'd seen too many murdered kids in his life time. When he was about eight, he'd seen photos on his father's desk of a murdered little girl, shocking images which burned itself into memory.

Then of course the number of victims whose murders he investigated. Let's see there was the family with the little girl who could only say, "Buffalo."

Then the kid whose friend locked him in a dryer.

Then little Cassie McBride who was alive by a miracle and his own steadfast determination to find her, knowing by gut instinct she was alive.

Haley Jones lying on the cold pavement, her beautiful blue eyes void of life. Her voice asking him for days and days, "What happened?"

Then Maddie Conway, who was dead because of his own tunnel vision, his own prejudice towards those struggling with addiction played a role in her death. He knew in his heart that if he had widened the scope of suspects, she might be alive.

No, kids were not for him. Nick's shoulders slumped. If he couldn't protect these kids, how could he protect one of his own? It was as simple as that.

And no one or nothing would convince him otherwise.

xxXXxx

The following Monday, Sheila Cane appeared in court to enter a plea.

Nick sat in the back of the court room and stared daggers at Brenda Cane. She came dressed in a proper black suit. Her blonde hair in an upsweep, strolling in a like a typical made-up Vegas wife, looking fake, fake and more fake.

Sara strolled in and her eyes widened in surprise as she noticed him. She slid over and took a seat.

"We talked about this Nick."

"I'm not here to get involved with anything."

"But Madison's parents might be here and they've made it clear they want you as far away from the case as possible."

"I'm..." Nick wasn't sure what to say, the thought of a crime victim hating the very thought of him seared his already battered soul. "I'm here on another matter."

Sara was unconvinced, but just as she opened her mouth to say something, Brenda stood up and started to walk out of the court room.

"Excuse me, I've got to go."

"Not a bad idea!" Sara huffed as she stood up and went to meet with D.A. Maddie Klein.

Brenda was seated outside on the bench when Nick approached her.

"Don't you think you should be in there with your daughter?" He cocked his head sideways as he slipped effortlessly into interrogation mode while steeling an inner demon that wanted to grab her by the throat and slam her into a wall.

He'd never hit a woman, but he'd make an exception because she wasn't a woman. She was a monster, a wolf in sheep's clothes with all due respect to lupus.

Brenda stared up at him and stood. She looked almost the same as she did 30 years ago, but it was clear plastic surgery had something to do with that.

"She knows I'm here." She crossed her arms. "What brings you here, Nick?"

"You don't have the right to say my first name." Nick was surprised at the volcano of rage brewing in him and before he could stop himself he continued, "In fact, you're the one who should be in front of the judge, not just your daughter."

Her eyes widened. "What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" his voice rose and just then he heard Sara calling him.

She linked her arm through his and pulled him away as he said, "You're going to see justice, Mrs. Cane."

Outside a few lawyers dragged on cigarettes in spite of the No Smoking signs while Sara laid into him, "What the hell is your problem, Nick?"

Nick put his hands on his hips and said, "I found some videos."

"Okay."

"Of her."

Sara's head tilted in confusion.

"Of her...with...kids..."

"Oh god!" Sara's shoulders slumped. "Recently?"

"No, these were...a long time ago."

"How do you know it's her?"

"I just do."

"How many kids."

"Two boys." Nick didn't include himself. "One girl. I think...it was Sheila."

Over the weekend he had slipped into the office after receiving a text from Julia about more videos of online's "Oldie Goldie's"

Sara shook her head. "Well, women do molest children. It's not common for mothers to molest their own daughters, however."

"It does happen though. Women are fully capable of attacks."

Sara sighed, "But do you know for sure it's her doing the attacks?"

"Yeah." Nick shoved his hands into his pockets. "It's her, I could tell from the back of her head."

"Wait..." Sara held up a hand, "You're saying, only the back of the attacker's head?"

"Yeah."

Sara blew a breath and sighed, "Nick! My God, how long have you been a CSI, 12 or 15 years? You cannot possibly ID a perpetrator that way. That would never hold in a court of law for a second."

"It's her. I can prove it."

"NO!" Sara retorted, "You cannot unless someone comes forward and identifies her."

_There's only one video with her face. Mine._

"I can prove it. I can have Archie do something."

"This is not one of these fancy crime shows Nick." Sara said increasingly becoming angry, "This is reality and reality is unless we can see her face, there is nothing that can be done. And frankly, we don't even know where these videos were done, who these victims are and if the Statue of Limitations has run out." She looked at him, "Nick, I don't know what your issue is with Brenda Cane, but please just leave this case to me. I'm going to get Sheila Cane and Ben Seabird for what they did to Maddison, okay?"

Nick looked down at the sidewalk wiping a hand across his mouth and reluctantly nodded.

"Sara, I know she's involved in the porn site, in fact I have a feeling there's a connection here to her. She's no innocent bystander."

"Okay, I'll give you that." Sara said wiping a strand of hair out of her face, "So I will deal with the murder case, you work the child porn case and let's see where it goes."

Nick smiled, "Sounds good. I'll run it by Gillespie." He started to walk out but Sara spoke after him.

"Nick, don't focus solely on their website because there're hundreds of other children in need of your help. Don't get myopic."

He turned around and said assuring her, "I promise, I won't let that happen."

xxXXxx

"Do you think it's possible we can find all these victims?"

Nick sat with Paul Gillespie with captions of the other victims of "Oldie Goldies" One boy and one girl with a woman facing the back of the camera, her blonde hair forming and V down her slender back.

He hadn't made any photos of his video and Julia had successfully dismantled the Oldie Goldies section-one small step for a man...one giant leap for the kids.

Nick didn't bother putting his own photo on the table. He wasn't sure if anyone would make the connection given 30 years had passed.

"I don't know, Stokes, I think your first answer was more on cue." Gillespie gazed down at the pictures, "I mean, do these victims even want to be found?" He spread them out and sighed before sipping a metal bottle of water with the LVPD sign on it.

"I don't know." Nick shrugged, "I mean, maybe the Statue of Limitations has run out criminally in some states, but maybe they want to pursue a civil claim, loss of childhood, therapy, stuff like that."

"Well most states are extending the limit, but do you know who this woman is."

"Yeah, Brenda Cane, Sheila's mother. Her maiden name was Poirier."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm 100 per cent sure."

"How?" Gillespie asked, "We only see the back of her head in these two videos, Nick. We don't see her or whoever this woman is very clearly. Maybe you could ask your friend Archie, if he can figure it out."

"Yeah, I will." Nick picked up the pictures and slid them into the file, noticing Gillespie staring at him intently.

"Why are you so interested all of a sudden, Nick? Why the change."

Nick sought for a solid yet cryptic answer and could only say, "Epiphany."

xxXXxx

"Sorry Nick." Archie passed the file to him. "Without a facial profile, I can't do much."

"C'mon Archie, I've seen you work with less." Nick sighed, defeated.

"Yeah if there's something significant on there, but all I have here is a blonde with a kid. Do you have any shots of her face?"

_Only in my video…_

Nick ran a tongue across his lips and shook his head, "No."

xxXXxx

"Can we shut down the Oldie Goldies section?" Nick asked Julia.

"We could, but it will be brought up again. I've tried it. At this point, we need to find out who put the site together. These sites spread like wildfire." Julia shrugged, "I'm sure we'll get it stopped as soon as Ben Seabird reveals his sources."

"Look, I think we should just keep trying."

"I agree." She answered testily, "But.." she shook her head, "Talk to Gillespie."

"He said to talk to you."

"Did he know?" she stared at the photo of her beloved German Shephard. "I guess then you'll have to go back to him. But they'll just put it back up, Nick. I know these guys real well. I know how they think, how they tick. They're obsessive with details."

Nick's phone beeped and he looked at it: Mandy

He sighed. He'd talk to her later. Her dad was fine, so why was she calling him so much. This wasn't normal Mandy behaviour. He turned off his phone.

"You're going to be in so much trouble when she gets back." Maggie peeked out from her cubicle.

"I can handle it." Nick sat back down at his desk and decided to check Seabird's site. Oldie Goldies was gone, but the comments remained. He decided to read them.

Big mistake.

_Calecat: Little dark-haired boy was sweet, real sweet._

_E-Buzz: Yeah, first time with a hot blonde, lucky dude. Wish it were me though, I would have taught him some real good stuff._

_Anavan: Yeah, too bad we don't know where he is, we could teach him now._

Then his phone rang. He jumped and snatched it. "Hello!!!"

Silence then Mandy's voice, "Nick it's me." Her voice was tight, "I've been trying to reach all weekend."

"Yeah I'm sorry, I had to…I had it off...I wasn't feeling well."

Judging by the silence that followed, Nick knew she didn't believe him. Her voice was strained when she asked, "Can I…can we talk for a minute?"

"Can't it wait?"

"I've been trying to talk to you for over two weeks. Where the hell have you been?"

"Working." Nick answered exasperated, "Look, is your dad okay?"

"He's great, but that's not why I'm calling."

Nick had stopped listening because a new video had been posted. "I gotta go." And he hung up.

Clicking play, he watched it.

He had to admit, reluctantly, it was getting easier to do this. He simply focussed on the room, the girl's age, the bastard attacking her, and then he'd mark down details.

Now this was going to be easy, he smiled grimly, jaw clenched. He knew this room, it was the same room in the same hotel -murder central. He was on the phone with Brass within seconds giving him the details.

"Do you want to be there?" Gillespie asked walking, "Be my guest."

Nick jumped out and was about to leave when the phone rang, thinking it was Brass he snatched it up, "Stokes!"

"Let me have five seconds!" Mandy demanded.

"What???" Nick snapped irritated. He was hot on the trail and he didn't want to be disturbed.

"Just thought I'd let you know..."

"What!!!" Nick growled grabbing his cell and checking to see if he was packing heat.

"I'm...pregnant..."

Freeze frame!

His world went into slow motion. People surrounded him and were talking but he couldn't hear their voices. The receiver slipped out of his hands and clanked onto the desk, the sound yanking him out of his momentary shock.

He quickly picked up the phone and cleared his throat, "Are you still there?"

"Yes." Mandy's voice sounded chocked, "You heard what I said?"

"I did." Nick leaned towards the desk. His mouth formed into a frown and his hands trembled.

If he were a work of art, he'd be the guy in the "The Scream" painting.

"Well, I'm glad you're taking it so well, Nick." Mandy answered, sarcasm tinged her already cold voice, "I guess I have my answer on how you feel about this."

"I'm...just about to go and crack down on a case...I..."

"Fine...go..." Mandy hung up.

The door to the office flew open as Brass motioned for him to get going, "Cops are already there arresting the guy!"

xxXXxx

A flurry of people surrounded the room by the time Nick and Brass arrived there.

A blonde man in his early thirties was being escorted out in handcuffs, and an Eddie Bauer robe.

He looked defiant, almost indignant at having his fun ruined.

Brass smirked at him, "Boy, they're going to love you at High Desert."

The man said nothing. Nick simply glared wishing he could grab the bastard and hoist him into a wall. But it would just make more trouble for him. So he walked slowly down the hall and peeked into the room.

April was in there with a young girl fully dressed looking distraught. When the social worker caught a glance of Nick, she motioned to a female cop that she needed to step out for a minute and made her way out of the room.

Nick blew out a breath nervously. He hadn't talked to April in a few months. Thankfully, this was a business matter and there would be no room for personal matters.

April looked equally as nervous as she smiled, "Hey Nick."

"Hi, how is she?"

"In shock." April answered and asked, "You're not the CSI?"

"No, someone from Days is on their way here. I'm working in CET and saw the video being set up by...that guy..."

"It's her dad."

"I know."

"Her mother is on her way down, but Child Services is going to take her somewhere safe for now, until we can find out more about what's been going on with the family."

Nick looked towards the dishevelled little girl and said, "Maybe her mom is who she needs right now. Do you ever stop to think a mother was completely unaware of such things?"

Scoffing, April said, "Oh please, she probably did know and chose not to do anything about it."

Exasperated, Nick was suddenly acutely reminded of why he dumped April. She judged him before she knew him, now she was judging too. Hell maybe it was why he judged Madison Conway's mom so quickly.

"I just came to collect the video equipment, April. Excuse me." Nick brushed past her before he said something he would regret and headed into the room.

April sighed and followed suit and sat with the little girl on the bed who stared blankly ahead.

"_Nick, you haven't talked much since Friday."_

_He looked up from swing he sat on and looked at his mother's concerned face._

_He thought of an answer quickly, "I'm just nervous about the operation, Mom."_

_She smiled, relieved and ran a hand through his hair, "It will be fine."_

"_I know." _

Carefully he packed the lap top, the UBS cords, the web cam into a box, sealed and marked them with the date and his initials. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the little girl's expression of shock, fear and sorrow. His heart wept for her.

It came out of nowhere.

"None of this is your fault, honey."

The little girl looked at him curiously.

"It wasn't you at all. It was all him." He could see April staring at him strangely and he carefully lifted up the boxes and said, "Sometimes adults are just...bad." and headed out the door before April could give him hell.

But as he passed the frame he heard the little girl say, "I wish he could be my dad."

Talk about a punch in the gut! But Nick could only say out loud to no one in particular, "No, you don't."

xxXXxx

After Nick signed the evidence in, he stole away to his truck in the basement parking lot and tentatively dialled Mandy's number. His fingers shook with each push.

She answered on the third ring, "What do you want?"

"I want...to finish our conversation." Nick pressed his lips together for a second waiting for her response.

"Gees, I thought we had."

"No, I had to go." He shifted in the seat and scanned the vicinity for any nosey co-workers, "Mandy, I…I'm sorry." Nick fought to say the exact right thing but could only congregate a question "How did…this happen?"

"You played a role if I recall." Mandy groaned in exasperation.

"I know, but...you were taking precautions."

"I was taking St. John's Wart and unfortunately I didn't know that it contains hyperfourin, a substance that affects drug breakdown in the liver." Mandy explained, "You think I would, but I guess I'm not as well versed in chemistry as I thought."

"Why were you taking St. John's Wart?" Nick asked, curious as to why she would need a natural alternative to a pharmaceutical anti-depressant.

"Stress. Ecklie was deciding whether to close down the print lab since you guys seemed to have gotten very good at it."

"Figures Ecklie played a role in this." Nick grumbled and then asked, "What do you plan to do?"

It wasn't until the silence Nick realized what he had asked and how it sounded. Tiger Woods would be calling him for pointers on sensitivity at this rate. The "You" should have been "We".

"No, Mandy, I mean..." Nick fumbled and then continued, "I'm sorry. I know that sounded stupid."

"You're shocked." Mandy said, "I am too."

"When are you flying home?" He asked and stated further, "I'd rather not have this discussion over the phone."

"That's another reason I called. The doctor told me there is a higher risk of miscarriage during the first trimester. The changes in air pressure put stress on the mother's body and the baby's body."

"It's just a risk Mandy, we all take risks."

"It's not a risk I want to take. I'm only two months."

Nick did a quick calculation in his head and mumbled, "Madison Conway, around the time she was murdered."

"Yeah." Mandy agreed. "It must have been that night."

Nick sighed, "So, then you're going to stay there."

"Until my doctor says it's okay to fly. I've already talked to Catherine and Ecklie."

"Catherine knows you are pregnant?" Nick said, feeling his heart jump around like a kid loaded with sugar on a trampoline.

"Yeah, but she doesn't know it was you." Mandy said exasperated.

"She knows more than she lets on."

"You're not happy about this, Nick. I remember the night you came home after the Conway case and you said you didn't want kids."

Nick swallowed but the truth couldn't contain itself, "No, I don't want kids. I never want kids."

A stony silence followed and even Nick himself couldn't believe what he had said, but the words just blurted themselves out and now there was no going back.

He licked his lips and drew in a breath before saying, "Of course, I'll be there. I'll support you and …" Oh fuck. What was he saying?

"Whatever." Mandy said her voice growing thick with disappointment and sorrow.

"No wait, Mandy! I'm just..." Nick pleaded grabbing the steering wheel and gripping it so tightly the already prominent veins in his arms looked as if they would pop out of his skin.

"Forget it, Nick. That's fine."

"I'm just not ready..."

"You know, that's fine. I get it. Okay." Mandy insisted. "I'll deal with this and well, the door is open when you're ready to deal with it, okay?" she paused and said, "And if you're never ready, Nick, then that's your choice. I'm not going to force you into this although it would be pretty sad if neither of you had a chance to meet one another. You're the one who is going to be left in the cold, not us."

"No, Mandy, wait…wait..." Nick pleaded with tears brimming in his eyes as her words stabbed his heart, piercing him with what he knew was the truth. "Mandy, don't...don't hang up okay..."

But there was only silence and nothing more. Nick wiped as nose and cleared his throat as he dialed her number and immediately her voice message came on cheerfully telling him she'd get back to him as soon possible. He texted her but no reply.

He leaned back into the car seat feeling the muscles in his neck tighten as the cortisol seeped into his veins.

Only three months ago, his life was so simple. Everything was simple. If he should come out of this mess with his sanity intact, he'd thank heavens for simplicity.

©SM


	8. Chapter 8

**Honour Thy Children**

**Chapter 8**

_**He cries for hours, cries and never stops**_

_**He shakes so hard his little cradle rocks**_

**_The Eleventh Commandment, Raye Collin_  
**

_A/N: Reviews are always appreciated, flames never._

_Thanks to Nickyfan for her feedback and suggestions._

"When do you plan to go home?"

Nick turned slowly in the chair and winced at the pain in his elbow, the sharp tinges were a sure indicator of 'Tennis Elbow" but he wasn't about to leave. No, he wasn't.

_Oldie Goldies_ was back up and running as Julia predicted it would setting off a flurry of frightened butterflies within him.

_How do I know who and who hasn't seen this video? After all, the child porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. How do I know it's not on someone's listserv? or that it's being traded on the net person to person or P2P as well call it._

And if Nick learned something in the last few months, just about any Joe Blow or Jane Doe on the street could be into kiddie porn.

_What if someone I help catch recognizes me from the video?_

Nick had learned to live with these thoughts and was increasingly becoming successful at diverting them away to the crevices of his brain. He'd mastered the skill years before when he learned his whole burial was captured on webcam.

Now he was cataloguing the images from the site into categories with words which are now forever associated with the job he was doing

Words like _Indicative, Erotica, Posing._

Nevertheless, he trudged forward.

As fatigued as his body was and feeling as if he were running on fumes, Nick was determined to shut down Ben Seabird's site once and for all. An energy within him drove this goal, he wasn't sure if it was vengeance, rage, or justice but he wanted to find a way to lure these 'deviant creatures' out of the woodwork, the ones who posted the images, the ones who traded the images, the ones who were alive streaming their assaults on the kids while Nick had to sit and listen to their screams.

He had just gotten lucky in the one attack a few weeks ago. From what he could tell some of these attacks took place overseas.

Nick said to Gillespie and Julia, who were chatting nearby, "You know, I didn't realize this was a multi-billion dollars industry." He chuckled darkly, "It's one of the most lucrative amongst organized crime. Kiddie porn was big, profit-making business by unsavoury types who didn't care how they'd torn these kids lives apart, only that they're making massive profit."

Gillespie folded his arms and said in his smooth, southern voice,"Well, these called "home-grown images of kids produced by the predators themselves is increasing as well as a peer-to-peer network where the dirt bags simply share files rather than download them. They use encryption and data destruction software to protect their precious files." He held up his fingers in quotation marks.

"Great, not only are they perverts, but they're smart perverts." Nick said with a mirth.

"They're very savvy." Julia added, "They have screening measures in place to ensure only authorized participants can enter a chat room and that's why I have to change your password and screen name every other day. They're busy creatures or beasts or whatever we want to call them."

Nick stared at the computer screen dully, feeling his neck muscles tense up, "Is it just me or when I look at the _Oldie Goldies_, they seem rather benign compared to the ones made of late, which are…violent.." He was secretly pleased with himself for being able to detach momentarily that one of those "Goldies" was a video himself being attacked.

"Yeah, well it's a trend and like all trends, it sells." Julia told him, "The more violent, the more it sells."

"I don't understand why people do these things." Maggie sighed.

"Cause they can." Nick answered flatly earning strange looks. "If there's a buck to be made, they'll make it and they don't care who they have to hurt in the process."

The room grew silent as Gillespie cleared his throat, "Yeah I'd have to agree with you there, Stokes."

"Judges don't even wanna watch this stuff in court." Nick went on, "I think they should, maybe they'll throw the fuckers in jail even longer."

He felt the concerned stare from Julia and answered, "I'm fine."

"We're going to go get some lunch." Maggie stood up, "Do you want anything, Nick?"

"No, thanks." Nick smiled at them, "Have fun!"

"It would be more fun, if you came." Maggie called out as she grabbed his iPod and walked off with it.

Sighing, Nick watched as they left. He'd gone a few times and they were a riot to hang out with, but he was pretty determined to do his job.

It kept his mind off of things. One of those things was no communication from Mandy, none.

"I'm going to a meeting with the Under Sheriff, Nick." Gillespie stood up, "I'm going to see about more funding for staff so I can release you back to the CSI team."

"I'm okay with whatever outcome he has." Nick smiled crookedly, "Although, my first love is forensics."

"I know that." Gillespie said, "I wish I could keep you here, but my senses tells me otherwise and it is exactly what you just said, so I've got a proposal ready and I'm off to beg." With a wave he was off.

"Good luck." Nick called after him.

Deciding he needed a break from the gore (and it scared him that the stuff onscreen didn't affect him as much as it did a few weeks ago), he hopped over to the Lab to see if anyone could give him a hint if they'd heard from Mandy.

It had been over three weeks since the proverbial bomb dropped, and by Nick's calculations she was almost three months along.

Not to mention it had been three weeks since. The pain was unfathomable. He'd been very quiet at work, but at home it was different

Nick felt like a survivor of Hiroshima, the video the bigger bomb of the two. He woke up in the morning having to face the day, his mind heavy with fears of the unknown ahead of him. Then his shifts were filled with playing hide and seek on these websites.

Sometimes he pretended to be the perverts, sometimes he was hunting them like soldiers in Iraq hunting the Taliban.

Nick knew he was emotional, but to be honest he'd never cried so much in his life and it wasn't just any kind of crying, it was the deep sob kind which had him worried his neighbours would be calling the cops.

Even in his truck, he'd cry. Once he got to work he'd wash his face, mentally preparing himself for the shift and then switch gears. He'd also workout for an hour at the gym imaging Brenda's face on the punching bag and slamming into it so hard a trainer had to tell him to take it easy.

"Dude, you wanna pay for that?" The freckle-faced buff trainer asked him with a glare.

Nick had mumbled a gruff sorry and ducked his way to the shower before heading back to work.

However, in spite of the horror of his discovery, he was acclimatizing to the dual realities of his dual situations and Nick soon realized the power of the human spirit, particularly his.

Maybe he could get past the pain.

_He did have the pleasure of participating in a kiddie porn raid which involved two local strip joint owners. Nick smugly walked by them as they sat in police cars and gathered their hard drives, CD-Roms, flash cards and video tapes with a relish._

_Then his happiness made a __cease and desist__ when he tried to present the video to the judge who shook her head and told him, "I don't need to see this crap."_

"_Yeah, actually you do." Nick went to push the button but she slammed her __gave__l down, "Not so fast, Mr. Stokes."_

_The perverts were out on bail within a day. It took every ounce of strength, especially Julia's strength -god that woman was strong- to yank him out of the court room to keep him from strangling the smug bastards as they walked out the door._

Finding the kids in the videos, well, that was a miracle. He'd been lucky twice, but that was very good luck. Gillespie had warned him not to get too focused on finding the kids.

"_Some of them don't even live in this country, Nick." _

xxXXxx

Nick smiled as he strolled through the halls of the crime lab. He knew these halls like the back of his hand and felt a sudden feeling as if his soul breathed a sigh of relief. He was home.

"Well!" Catherine greeted him with a hug and peck on the cheek. He caught a whiff of her perfume, she smelt like the orchids his mother grew in her garden.

"_Why can't I garden here, Nicky?"_

_He trembled and wrung his tiny hands together as he squeaked, his voice still sore from the surgery, "Mr. Whiskers is buried there, Mom!"_

"_Oh that's right. I'm sorry, honey." His mother smiled under the straw hit with the big flower in the front, "Why don't you surround his grave with some of those large stones I picked up at the garden center today?" _

_He breathed a deep sigh of relief. His soiled pj's were safe for now. Nick raced off to gather the stones_

"Hey, you still here?"

Nick dashed the memory from his mind, "Oh yeah, I'm just glad to be back."

"Oh it's good to see you too, Nicky." Catherine looked up at him concerned, "Are you okay? You look so tired."

"Yeah, long hours, emotionally draining stuff." Nick stuffed his hands in his pockets, "Anything exciting going on around here?" He hoped to hear some info on Mandy.

Catherine blew a loose hair off her face and griped, "Oh we're just short as usual. Everyone's feeling the strain of the cutbacks. Mandy's on leave for a bit, she'll be back soon, hopefully."

"Oh," Nick's eyes widened in mock surprise, "Will she be back soon?"

"Oh hopefully," Catherine looked around and like a good manager she was changed the subject, "But we've got someone doing her job, just a college kid looking to earn some cash. He's not as good as her, but that's just experience and all."

"Oh, okay." Nick smiled, "I'm just going to say 'hi' to a few people, Catherine. It was good to see you."

"Great to see you, Nicky and hopefully you'll be back soon."

"Yeah, I hope so." He headed off and as he passed the locker room he saw Wendy in there sliding off her blue coat.

Carefully Nick walked in, "Hey."

Wendy's eyes widened in surprised and her pony tail bobbed. She spoke nervously, "Nick, well, this is a surprise. I'm getting ready to go to the movies with Hodges and I'm..."

"How is she, Wendy?" Nick took a step before her and watched her demeanor change from nervous to myriad of anger before she answered in a low voice, "She's good. She's tired and sleeps most of the time, but she's good." Wendy turned her face toward him, her mouth in a frown, "And why do you care?"

"I care." Nick answered, anxious of the DNA tech's well-known temper, "Very much. I've been trying to reach her but she won't answer."

"She's not ready to talk to you, so I'd say leave her be." Wendy closed her locker nearly slamming it, "And that's all I'm going to tell you, Nick."

"Wendy...wait...I...have something for you…to give to Mandy...to send to her...can you.." Nick stuttered and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, opened it and slid a cheque out, "Can you please send this to her on my behalf?"

"Why don't you send it yourself?" she asked sharply.

"She might rip up the envelope before she even knows what's inside. I've got a letter too." Nick looked pleadingly at the DNA tech as he folded handed them to her.

Wendy sighed, carefully took the cheque and letter and said, "You know she doesn't want your money. She wants you."

Nick turned his head away, ran a tongue over his lips and said, "I can't give her that. I explained it in my letter. It's short to the point."

"Will you ever give her that?"

_Why would Mandy want me? She deserves better._

"No, I don't think I can." Nick shook his head sadly.

"What about…?" Wendy couldn't finish for obvious reasons.

"I don't know."

_He or she deserves a father who can protect them from harm._

"Is she coming back?" Nick asked.

Wendy shrugged noncommittally, "She might have to because of her healthcare plan, but I think her parents will be coming with her." She tapped the cheque on her palm for a second, then slid it into her tiny, brown leather purse. "I'll send this right away."

"Take this." Nick opened up his wallet once again and handed her $5.00, "Send it by courier."

Wendy took the money and mumbled, "I'm sure she'll be grateful. It's a nice sum of money."

"I'll send her more soon."

Sadly, he couldn't explain his reaction to Mandy's news. It was what it was and he wasn't going to fake happiness he didn't feel. Moreover, Nick wished he could say to Wendy there was no one more disappointed with him, than…well, him.

The sound of a throat clearing startled them and Nick turned around abruptly to find Sara standing there eyeing them suspiciously, "What's going on here?" She held a file in her hand.

"Nothing." Nick answered flippantly as Wendy nodded with a fake smile and shuffled off. "Just some personal stuff."

"Anything serious?"

"No, it's nothing I can't handle." Nick answered in a measured stern voice denoting he wanted the subject matter dropped and fast.

Catching the drift, Sara nodded, "Uh huh, well I'm glad you're here. I was on my way over to see you. I have some information on Pavel Cane. He called over a little while ago wanting to discuss his daughter and wife, or ex-wife."

"Pavel Cane?" Nick asked and chewed the thought, "Isn't he in the slammer for gang related activities."

"He claims he was framed when he was onto his wife's business." Sara said as they walked side by side down the hall.

"They all say that." Nick snorted, "But I'd like to hear about his wife's business."

"I thought you would." Sara smiled, "That's why I wanted to know if you wanted to come along?"

He grinned wryly, "You bet I would."


	9. Chapter 9

**Honour Thy Children**

**Chapter 9**

_Even though I know - I suppose I'll show  
All my cool and cold - like old Job_

_Despite all my rage_

_I'm still just a rat in a cage!_

_Then someone will say_

_What is lost can never be saved_

_Smashing Pumpkins-Bullet with Butterfly Wings_

_**A/N: It's been a while. I didn't mean to abandon this fic. Real life became very difficult and I lost my way there. Constructive reviews are most welcome. Flames are not. Special thanks to Nickyfan for her encouraging words, constructive criticism and edits.**_

After having a wand drawn over them and their belongings searched, Brass, Sara and Nick walked through arches of the metal detector and met with Mr. Mark Jones, Head of the Prison. They followed the surly looking corrections officer through long hallways, their footsteps echoing the walls of the gloomy prison.

Mr. Mark Jones was a heavy set man with a kind rubbery face, dark brown eyes and wild bush black curly hair slicked back in almost a mullet causing Nick to have a humourous flash back to his own high school days-he never wore a mullet, but his friends did.

"Pavel Cane has been in here since 2005. He's a good prisoner other than still claiming his innocence which they all do." Jonas explained in a gruff voice. He motioned to a room where a tall, thin man with a point face and steely blue eyes sat nervously. When he saw Nick and Sara behind the glass windows he studied them like a biologist observing a flock of rare birds with eyes squinted as they finally settled on Nick.

Nick grew uncomfortable under the weight of the stare. Sara noticed and asked "Have you changed your mind?"

"No, not at all." He settled into a wooden chair outside the door. Prior to their arrival, Nick had agreed that Sara and Brass would question him on what he knew about the Maddison Conway case, while Nick was strictly there to find out more about the porn case.

Cane still bore an intense stare into him while Sara and Brass entered the room. The door closed behind them while Nick took a seat in a wooden chair uneasily and wiped his battle against exhaustion was proving futile as his lower back ached and the muscles in his shoulders tingled from spending hours upon hours at the computer. Add in the searing pain his right arm and tingling fingers, hell he was a mess.

Part of the glory of working in the field was not staying stationary all the time, his muscles worked in motion. Now he spent up to 12 hours a day at a computer and he hated it. He'd gained about 15 pounds in the past few months, but he was too emotionally spent to really do anything about it other than visit the gym when he got a chance.

At least he was doing some good for the kids out there.

His iPhone beeped. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the messages. It was from Mandy!

_I'm fine, but please leave me alone. I need time. You really hurt me, Nick. But here is something for you to think about._

Nick scrolled down and noticed there was an attachment. He clicked on it.

It was her ultrasound. A 3D image of her baby! Nick could tell by the development it was between 16 to 20 weeks old. The world seemed to disappear around him as he brought a fist to his mouth as a sob threatened to emit from his chest. Now there was no safety zone he could flee to.

_This is really happening Stokes! Get over yourself_

Hot, scalding pools of tears formed in his eyes as he clicked off the iPhone and leaned back against the wall. Nick managed to watch the conversation. Sara was very intensely focused on him while she took down notes while Brass leaned back and nodded, his eyes surprisingly sympathetic.

Nick sighed heavily and leaned over, resting his face into his palms trying to focus on crisis at a time, each wanting to suck him into a vortex.

"Nick." Jim spoke.

Nick looked up. The detective was eyeing him strangely while Sara finished her talk with Mr. Cane.

"I'm fine." Nick answered before Brass could even ask and stood up abruptly. As he walked in the room he avoided at all costs Sara's own suspicious looks. He was convinced the brunette CSI could read him like a Dr. Suess book.

His attempts failed. As he brushed past Sara, he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and her voice whispering, "We're going to have a long talk later."

Damn!

Pavel Cane sat at steel table, his thin lips curled into a smile.

Nick nodded his way and took seat across from him.

"So," He began as he set down his note pad and pen, "Tell me about Ben Seabird's little business venture!"

"He's a sociopath. It doesn't take a shrink to know that. He murdered that little girl. I know that. Why would a guy in his late twenties want to date a girl barely 18."

"And tell me about his website."

"He's not the only one in on it."

"Well, who is responsible for it?"

"Who do you think, Mr. Stokes?" Pavel leaned back and folded his boney arms across his chest, his orange suit hanging from his skeletal frame like a sheet on a clothesline. "You tell me who your suspect is and I'll confirm or deny your suspicions."

"Okay, I'll bite." Nick shrugged, "I suspect Brenda Cane is involved in it."

"Involved?" Pavel scoffed, "She runs the whole damn show! Ben just runs the site, but she's the entrepreneur."

Nick's eyes widened. He knew it.

"So why haven't you said anything until now?" He asked.

"You ever read Les Miserables?"

"Yeah, high school."

"Jean Valjean gets out of jail, yet he's still treated like a convict."

"So what's that got to do with this case?"

"Even if I'd said something, who was going to believe me?"

Nick couldn't answer that question because, well, Pavel was right. A criminal was always tarnished even if he served his time. He shuffled the pad a bit and mumbled, "Tell me what you know."

"Well...I'll start at the beginning. When I owned my club in Vegas about 30 years ago, she was 18 and I was 38. She just walked in looking for a job as a waitress, and I was smitten with her. She was blonde, blue eyed. She looked like one of those angels from _Charlie's Angels_."

Nick decided he'd never watch a rerun of that show again no matter how much enjoyed the jiggle fest.

Cane's eyes grew distant as he proverbially travelled back in time, "I hired her on the spot and within a year, she was on the floor. She was shy and sweet...and demure.."

Nick wanted to vomit, but Pavel's eyes grew dark as he muttered, "A hell of a good act, and I fell for it." He leaned back in his chair with an arm slung limply over the back, "Well, she was a canny girl, very smart and she was interested in my business. She had a good eye for detail, was great with customers and eventually I made her my assistant. The other girls hated her but well, maybe I should have listened to them." Pavel ran a hand across his five o'clock shadow on his pointy chin, "She didn't talk much about her past other than she was from Dallas and had left home at about 17 with some biker dude."

"Eventually, you both had a chain of strip clubs going." Nick scanned the file.

"Yeah, we did."

"When did you two marry?"

"When she turned 20 and then Sheila was born about eight years later."

Nick folded his arms, "When did the child porn start?"

Pavel's eyes grew distant, "I'm not sure. I know she met up with some of the clientele of our club and found out how lucrative it was. She started with these tapes she had."

A pounding commenced within him, and Nick cleared his throat, but when he spoke, his voice still came out an octave higher with a shake to it, "What tapes?"

"Some tapes she made of herself and these kids, little boys going back as far as 1982 or 83."

_1980_

"What was she doing in this video?"

Pavel snorted, "What do you think, Stokes? She wasn't playing _Battleship_, that's for fucking sure."

"She was molesting them." Nick grumbled.

"That's the polite way."

"Doesn't sound like you approve."

"What?" Pavel shot up, "You think because I owned a strip joint I like kiddie porn? I like naked women, not girls...women! I like watching ADULT naked woman, consenting woman, Stokes. These were…little kids...just...kids getting stuff...done to them…" He studied Nick for a long moment. "Their eyes haunted me. They were so full of fear."

_Please stop. You're hurting me!_

"There was this one kid, he had the darkest brown eyes I'd ever seen, like a puppy dog. He was the cutest little tyke I'd ever seen wearing Star War pyjamas." Pavel said, his eyes focussed on Nick who looked down at his pad, his hand barely holding the pen as he trembled.

"So why didn't you go to the police then?" he said feeling his throat tighten, tears threatening to make an appearance. His gut twisted.

"I don't know." Pavel's shoulders slumped with the burden, "I was...an idiot...in love with Brenda. I just thought it was some stupid phase she went through and it was all behind her."

"But it wasn't. One of those tapes was more recent. Do you know who the kid was?"

"Yeah, that was about 15 years ago. That was Matthew Taylor, our paper boy. He was around 10 at the time. Guess he'd be 25 now. I gave the family a shit load of money so they wouldn't go to the police."

Nick clicked his teeth and shook his head.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"Report it to the police."

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to embarrass Sheila."

"Who was also a victim of Brenda's?"

"I didn't know that at the time!"

Nick leaned back into the chair and studied the file. Mr. Cane was being represented by John Lockyear of the Association for the Wrongly Accused. Flipping through the pages he couldn't help but feel the weight of Pavel's stare. It irritated him but before he could say anything the man spoke.

"You know, I used to be an artist. I drew faces. I was studying forensic art."

"So when did Brenda start her kiddie porn industry." Nick was undeterred.

"About 15 years ago. A few months after the paper boy." Mr. Cane was studying him carefully and tapping the file. "She must have met some guys in our club who connected her to them."

"Do you remember their names?"

"No, that time I had left the business to her and was working on becoming a forensic artist, learning how to age enhance people from their photos, primarily by computer, but I was pretty good and just doing by hand."

"Why are you telling me this?" Nick was getting irritated by these trivial facts. He couldn't care less.

"Sorry." Pavel continued, "Anyways, after Brenda and I established our chain of strip clubs, I decided to study my art and look after Sheila, but I knew something was up with Brenda. Her mood changed and everything, so I decided one day to do some snooping of my own."

"What did you find?"

"I found a lot of stuff, Mr. Stokes. I found CD's and hard drives. I found files on the computer of transactions and dates. I made copies of everything. I confronted Brenda about the extent of her business, warning her that I could use this against her in a divorce hearing and that was before I found the video of her and Sheila, by then she was 13. It's funny I got arrested not long after I confronted her about it."

"And you still didn't go to the police." Nick felt a stir of rage. At least one of these kids could have pressed charges against Brenda as he himself didn't have the guts to do so.

"No. I began to file for a divorce."

"And somehow a body was found in your trunk."

"Yeah, three days after I reported my car missing."

"And drugs as well."

"Yes...three days after my car was found missing." Pavel repeated "I'm still in jail, but I have something you might find interesting. I know it's been awhile, but I still have the key to my lock box in the attic of the house. I don't think Brenda even knew it existed. My original lawyer kept it for me and now Mr. Lockyear has it and I'll let him know you can have access to it. It's full of copies of the files from when she first started. It's not a lot but her name is all over it. There're discs and everything including copies of her very first tapes."

Nick's eyes widened. "Do you think she's connected to the Maddison Conway case?"

"Let me tell you something about people who watch kiddie porn, Stokes. They watch it once and they want more, the more they want, the more violent they want it. The more violent ones fetch the big bucks. I bet Brenda made a pot full on that video. I don't think she killed the kid, but she orchestrated it. If you can find proof of that, you can send her to jail."

Nick felt a surge of adrenalin in him, his instincts were correct.

"And then you can finally have your justice, Nicky."

The air in his lungs evaporated as Nick stared at Pavel Cane in horror.

"When I studied forensic art, I used some of the software from the course to age enhance the kids on her videos. It wasn't easy because I didn't have the parents photos to work from, so I guessed. I was pretty accurate with you." He pulled a sheet out of the file. "Brenda got rid of everything, but I drew the pictures from memory, I have photographic memory."

Before Nick could say something, Pavel slid an envelope towards him. Nick shoved it under his notepad.

"Eyes are usually the same no matter how old you grow, Nicky." The old man stared at him sympathetically, "That's why I asked for you. I saw you on TV and well, I thought you'd want some closure. It wasn't your fault. She was and still is a sick, sick bitch."

Nick's legs were shaking as he turned his eyes to his note pad.

Pavel continued, "I'm not saying my girl is innocent, Nick, but who the hell knows what went on after I went to jail." He cleared his throat, "How come you never told your parents?"

Nick refused to acknowledge Pavel's accurate observation, but did ask, "How come Sheila never came to you?"

"Touché." Pavel said, "I guess if you had, I would have never met the bitch and my life would have been uneventful so to speak." He shrugged "But...it's not fair of me to blame another victim of Brenda...she might have talked her way out of that one..."

Nick folded his arms. He refused to confirm or deny Pavel's observation. Hell no.

"I just want this woman to be put away for good. I've been trying to convince people for years but no one listened to me." Pavel shook his head, "I never had anything to do with any Russian mob, but Brenda sure did. She had them involved in the strip joint business and hell they were the ones who helped her set up her porn site. You see, there are no laws in Russia about child porn, so that's where the websites are set up. That's where the transactions are done. That's where the porn is filtered."

"What about Seabird?"

"Oh he designed the site, he was good at that stuff, but the ISP and all the crap, Russia...it's a huge market over there." He smiled, "I bet you're having trouble finding some of those kids. You see?"

Nick didn't anything but narrowed his eyes.

"That's because many of the assaults are out of the country."

"Yeah, I know. I just found some girl in England."

"Yeah, and Russia is a hot bed for it. Hell in some parts of Europe, there's a conspiracy theory about that politicians are all in on it."

"There's no proof." Nick shook his head.

"No proof either way, but just because someone holds office, doesn't mean they don't like kiddie porn."

"Yeah, I know that…but tell me more about Brenda's empire."

"It grew, by Jesus, it grew. I think when the chain of strip clubs started to grow, she networked and met people who got her going. She started with those video tapes."

Nick swallowed.

"She made copies and sent them out all over the country, all over the world."

Nick swallowed a wad of bile.

"After that, she got into the print stuff. This mobster guy got her going. Then the internet...then man did it explode. She had P2Ps going. She never really looked at the stuff, only made sure the perverts got what they want."

"How many in this ring?"

"My files will tell you. I don't know how outdated they are."

"Roughly, how many video tapes were sent out of those kids?"

"I think about 500."

_Oh fuck! He'd have to walk through the streets from now on wondering who could tell and who couldn't._

"You know, most people can't tell the kid from the adult, only I can because I'm an artist and I'm trained for it."

"Why do you keep bringing this up?"

"Why won't you open the envelope?"

Nick tore it up and stared at it. His head swam as he realize he was looking at a very remarkably correct drawing of his own face.

"How do I know you didn't just draw this from a website of me or something?"

"Look at the date."

Nick stared down...1997...

"You could have faked it."

"No...I couldn't have..."

Nick turned around and waved him off, "Thanks for the info, Cane, and you know for this...I'll open your case when I get back as a CSI and see what I can do for you…"

"Nicky."

"My name is Nick Stokes!" he barked as turned around once more.

Cane stared at him pitifully, "You weren't to blame."

Nick's jaw clenched as he walked out.

xxXXxx

"Guess you won't share what Cane told you?"

Sara stared over at Nick who shook his head, "I don't think it would help your case other than he thinks Brenda is behind the whole porn industry."

"He told me he doesn't think Sheila was even in the car, that it was probably Brenda who video taped the whole thing."

"Well...Sheila was confused about where Maddison's body was." Nick commented.

"Well, we didn't hear Sheila on the video." Sara mumbled, "But we never paid much attention to the audio, just the video portion of it."

Nick nodded, "Well, I guess we could have Archie go over the audio portion to see if we can hear anything specific, but do we have any videos of Brenda?"

Sara was quiet then brightened, "Didn't she have an incident with the media at the courthouse?"

Nick grew eager, "Yeah, she did. They were bugging her and she told them to fuck off."

"We could have them send the video over and have Archie run a comparison."

"What about the car seat?"

Sara shook her head, "We found some nail polish on the floor, but we assumed it was Sheila's. But she never really wore make up when she turned herself in."

"Well," Nick smiled, "Since I have to get a key from Cane's lawyer, I can ask Brass to get a search warrant for the house again."

Sara grinned, "You haven't lost your touch Nicky."

"No," Nick nodded as a small smile tugged the cornrs of his lip, "I haven't."

"But, your conversation looked rather intense." Sara commented, "What else did you two talk about?"

"Nothing important, but he wants to me look into his case that put him in jail to begin with." Nick shrugged, "I'll do it when I get back."

"Your face said something different Nick." Sara eyed him carefully, "He gave you something."

"Sara, let's just drop it, please." Nick implored.

"If you want..."

"Never mind...Sara..."

Sara grew quiet and then said, "I know something is going on with you and I have a feeling it's because a certain lab rat has been gone."

Nick sighed heavily and looked at the window watching homeless people live out meager existences. Maybe he should join them...simply just grab a buggy from Wal-Mart and eat out of a dumpster.

"Nick?"

"Sara, can we just get back to the case and not talk about my personal life. It's off limits."

"And I think sometimes that's your problem, Nick. You bottle everything up. You don't deal with stuff. You just stuff it away. You were completely untouchable after Warrick died. You wouldn't let anyone talk about what happened to you after your kidnapping. You just put this facade on and hide from us. You think of us as family, but at the same time it's like after 10 years, we don't know you at all."

"So, I keep a distance."

"Yeah, but you've got a lot going on especially after joining this team. I can't imagine what you go through…"

"Drop it Sara!" Nick's mouth grew thin, "I mean it."

Sara slumped behind the wheel, but then asked, "You heard Mandy is pregnant?"

Nick swallowed and then chose his next words, "I wouldn't know anything since I've been working in another department."

"She's coming back next week apparently. Ecklie asked her if she wanted to switch to days, but she said no." Sara eyed him carefully, "She's between four or five months."

"Who told you all this?"

"Hodges."

"He really should keep his big mouth shut." Nick's jaw clenched and felt his nostrils flare.

"Nick," Sara said quietly knowing full well she was unleashing an angry dog from its chain, "If you want to talk about anything, I'm here for you and no matter what you tell me, I'll never judge you, okay?"

Nick cleared his throat and nodded, "Thanks, Sara. I really, really don't think I can handle any more judgment from anyone."

Sara grew quiet and said, "You know I told Grissom years ago I was scared to have kids because of something that happened in my family…and...I always worried I'd pass on bad genes."

Nick said, "Sara, I won't confirm or deny anything but I see kids tortured every day and I see kids in pain and I see kids losing their parents and I just wonder how society just keeps going."

"Because we don't have a choice and there's always a glimmer of hope the world will eventually turn out right." Sara said.

"So how come you and Grissom aren't having kids?"

"Who said we weren't?" Sara smiled.

"Kind of hard to do when one's in France and the other's in the US." Nick laughed.

Sara blushed and then grinned, "We find ways." She winked as she continued, "I'm glad I could at least give you a laugh."

"I'm glad you're finally happy, Sara." Nick said as he pulled into the parking lot.

"Well, we both deserve happiness." Sara said as she gathered her belongings.

Nick stared for a second and asked, "Sara, if... you got pregnant and Grissom kind of froze and bailed...would you forgive him?"

Sara's eyes widened for a second and she scrunched her face as she mulled it over, "Well, Grissom never reacts to really anything like everyone else, but I think I would. I'd want to know why first, but he'd probably look at me like a lost puppy and I'd feel some sympathy and take him back." She shrugged, "But that's me, Nick, and I pined for him for years...so...I wouldn't let him go so fast."

"Especially with a baby on the way."

"Well a lot of women do it on their own, Nick, but that doesn't mean they want to do it on their own."

Nick's phone beeped and he read it.

_We're about to take part in a porn ring bust...here's the address STAT-Julia_

Grinning, Nick said, "Gotta go meet my team...my other team...at this place…about to bust a ring we've been watching for weeks."

Sara opened the door and said, "I'll talk to you later. Go get 'em!"

"I will." Nick looked up at her, "Sara what we just talked about...can we just keep it a secret?"

"Absolutely." Sara assured him. "I promise."

As he drove away listening to the _Smashing Pumpkins_, Nick thought to himself there was another reason. What kid would want a father who was molested? What kid would want to shoulder the burden of his secret along with him?

No kid of his.

It was better he stayed away from Mandy and his future child. They deserved a better man than him.

With this thought, Nick turned his attention to his new found passion: ridding the world of scum who spent their days watching kids like him being attacked.


	10. Chapter 10

**Honour Thy Children**

**Chapter 10**

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes  
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues

A movie poster of _Avatar _stared at Nick directly. It's blue people looking rather menacing.

It was a typical teenage boy's room, but it held a dark secret. It was surprisingly very neat and tidy room complete with even more posters of the latest rock bands and rap artists, a small iPod stereo nearby and Mac lap top-waiting, just waiting to be packed up.

Nick slowly packed the CDs into a box, sealed it shut and handed it to a waiting police officer. The 17 year old boy had already been arrested. It was hard to believe this very innocent looking boy was part of a child porn ring that spanned Canada, the United States and England. He'd received the tip a few days ago and worked the case diligently.

It was the selling of an online video locally that had caught Nick's attention. He'd chatted online with someone who inadvertently mentioned they lived in Vegas.

Dumb move, but a great move for Nick and the team as this kid along with a number of others in and around the suburbs of Vegas were arrested. The team broke into groups of two and spread themselves out amongst the arrests.

Wiping sweat off his brow, Nick finally finished the task at hand and made his way out of the house, steadfastly ignoring the weeping parents who claimed they had no idea.

Gillespie was waiting at his truck.

"How can they NOT know?" Nick mumbled irritatingly as the older man smiled amusingly at him.

"It's interesting how people without kids seem to know better how to raise them."

Nick shot back, "I'd know it if MY KID was looking at kiddie porn."

"Teenagers are very good at keeping secrets." Gillespie reminded him, "How much did your parents know about you?"

Looking down, Nick mumbled, "Not a lot." He looked back up, "They were always working, my brother and sisters looked after me most of the time, but they had their own thing going on, so I was alone a lot."

"There you go." Gillespie answered, "Anyway, looks like we're done, so I'll just stay here and finish questioning the parents."

Noticing the younger sister sitting off in the swing, looking very sad, Nick asked, "What about her? Is she okay?"

"Well that's what we have to find out." Gillespie said, "If the boy makes bail, he can't come back to the house."

"Man, what a waste." Nick said, "Seventeen years old and now he'll be labelled a sex offender for this greed and whatever..."

"It's just how it is Stokes."

xxXXxx

The next two weeks were spent watching, labelling and filing. Nick counted that he went through five bottles of Rolaids and six bottles of Advil to counter the nausea of what he witnessed on the screen.

There was a video by one guy whom Nick now decided to focus his attention on finding, who had a graphic instructional video to show other 'fathers' how to prepare their young daughters for sex.

"Julia..." Nick said, "Come see this."

As the redhead sat down, Nick handed her his ear piece and she slid it on.

After the video was over, she unplugged it and said, "In my 15 years on this job, I'd never seen anything so disgusting in my life."

"I'm gonna get that guy." Nick said determinedly.

"Just don't get myopic, there are many others like him out there." Julia zipped back to her desk, "He's just one of many."

"Unfortunately." Nick grumbled and finished watching it, counting the number of stuff on there. "It would be nice if we could get at least ONE JUDGE to watch this stuff, just one."

"Not gonna happen."

Nick stared over at her, "Gees, you're pessimistic."

"No, just realistic, Stokes, but hey if you want to try and get a judge to watch it, I'm right behind you. I gave up years ago." Julia shrugged indifferently.

"I don't know, maybe my dad can give me some ideas on how to approach them."

"Your dad is a judge?"

"Yep."

Julia stared at him and mumbled, "Well then." And rolled away on her chair back to her desk.

His iPhone rang jarring him from the video. His heart thumping, he picked it up.

"Hey it's Jim."

"Hey!"

"You okay?"

"Fine." Nick answered briskly then asked, "What's up?"

"I got some information for you, do you mind coming here. I'd rather tell you this stuff in person."

Curious, Nick said, "Yeah, I'll be there."

The information given to him by Pavel Cane was handed over to Jim Brass. Nick wanted to find the kid who was molested by Sheila about 10 years ago, he hoped he'd go to the police now and press charges.

Nick also handed the key to Brass to find the files. He didn't want to go near Brenda Cane His rage was so intense he was afraid he'd say something, do something that would get him charged.

xxXXxx

Cutting through the lab, Nick felt a surgence of familiarity, as if he were HOME. He missed this place. He walked by Trace and saw Hodges chatting merrily with Wendy and smiled.

However, as he rounded a corner, his smile vanished as he saw Mandy. She was walking towards him and stopped. Her jaw hung and her eyes widened.

It was the first time in weeks since he'd seen her. She was wearing a loose fitting white top with frills for sleeves and the top in a bow. Her hair was longer and swept into a one-sided pony tail.

Nick's eyes shot to her stomach and his insides coiled at the sight of the 'bump' as so many people referred to it. It showed a plenty. His rail thing sister barely showed even at 38 weeks. Mandy on the hand, looked as if she swallowed a soccer ball.

His found finally uncovered itself from the rock as he asked, "How are you?"

Mandy shrugged, "I'm fine. I'm tired but fine."

Nick shoved his hands in his pocket and said, "I sent you three cheques."

"I got them."

"You didn't cash them."

"I don't want your money." Mandy's eyes welled and she brushed past, "I've got to go find Greg about some prints."

Nick nodded, swallowing the lump in this throat.

"That's right, our Mandy is pregnant." Ray's voice rang behind him.

"Yeah, I see that." Nick turned back.

"I'm concerned though she seems quite stressed, but I guess because she's going at it all alone." Ray said matter-of-factly indicating he was unaware of Nick's status as the partner in crime in her pregnancy.

"Well, I told her if she needed anything medical, I'm just a stone's throw away." Ray said. "Hopefully, I won't have to be the one helping her give birth, but she seems to have it all under control. I just hope the stress won't cause her to develop any problems like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-Ecymplsia or worse."

"Mandy's tough." Nick said and then quickly said, "Excuse me..."

It was as if a bucket of ice had been poured over him. Now he was fully aware of the reality of his situation. So flustered, Nick almost found himself in Ecklie's office instead of Jim's but finally he managed to find the way.

Brass waved him into his office. A submarine sandwich and a soda sat abandoned on his desk as the burly detective gestured to Nick to have a seat.

"So, I tracked down Matthew Taylor."

Nick beamed, "Fantastic!"

"Well, not really, Nick." Brass clasped his hands on his desk and sighed, "He committed suicide about four months ago."

Leaning back in the chair, Nick groaned with disappointment. His modus operandi to get Brenda Cane was gone. His plan was to go talk to the guy and convince him to pursue Brenda legally.

_That way I don't have to pursue justice for myself. I don't care how she gets it as long as she does._

"Nick are you still here?"

Nick shook the thoughts away, "Yeah, I'm shocked." He sighed dejectedly, "How?"

"He hung himself." Brass handed the file to him. "I think this case occurred shortly after you transferred. Ray handled the case, so you might want to talk to him about it."

"Sure it wasn't foul play?"

"Nope, it was ruled a suicide. His wife came home with their four year old son and found him. She's living with his mother right now."

As Nick flipped through the file, Brass asked, "Why do you want to know about him?"

"It's related to a case I'm working on."

"Maddison Conway?"

"Yeah. I found him on one of the videos on Ben Seabird's website."

"Really?" Brass was shocked.

"Yeah."

"Speaking of which." Brass handed him a thicker file. "Here's the stuff you were looking for. The warrant extended through the entire house, so I was able to use it before it expired." He chuckled, "That woman is a piece of work, wanting to know why you didn't come yourself."

Nick stood up and mumbled, "I have my reasons. Thanks for this, Jim."

"You're not going to talk to the family about that video, are you?"

"You think I shouldn't." Nick folded his arms.

"Well, the guy had been pretty depressed for several weeks as I recall when I spoke with the mother."

"Was there a suicide note?"

"Yeah, it just said, "Mom, I'm sorry."

"Was his handwriting verified?"

"Yeah, Ray took care of it." Brass leaned back, "I mean, would his mother really benefit from knowing this information?"

"The family settled with the molester years ago, they already know he was assaulted." Nick said, "And frankly, Brass, some graves need to be uncovered so the dead can finally have some peace."

With that he walked out of the office and headed back to the lab to find Ray.

As he was about to enter the breakroom, he heard Mandy talking and jumped back for a second. Ray was in there as well. Nick peaked in and watched as it looked as if Mandy was showing something to the CSI.

"So there're the legs, the head and the.." she paused with a small smile, "the penis." A giddy grin spread across her face.

Ray laughed as he took the ultra sound photo, "Well...well...well..."

"Can you tell for sure, Ray?" Mandy handed him the ultra sound.

"Oh I can see it's a boy." Ray slid his glasses on studied it carefully then handed it back to her, "Congratulations, Mandy."

"Thank you, Ray. I'm very excited. I mean I want a healthy baby, but a little boy will be so cool." Mandy slipped the sheet carefully into her purse.

Nick straightened up as unexpected joy shot through his veins.

_A son! I'm having a boy! A son! Not that it matters anyway, but hell like every guy out there wants a son, I would want too._

He listened in as Ray asked, "Have you thought of a name?"

"Umm...I was thinking Zachariah."

"Hmm...very biblical."

"Really? I just like the name."

Nick smiled, thinking he liked the name too.

"Well, it's a fine name for a what I can tell will be a very fine looking little boy."

"Well," Mandy said quietly, "His dad is a good looking guy, so I'm sure my little guy will take on at least some of his good looks."

Nick took the opportunity to head off to the bathroom as he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the rest of it.

In the washroom, he set the files aside and splashed water on his face trying to calm himself down and then forced himself to look in the mirror at the so-called good looking man he'd become: A coward, pure and simple

Nick could hear his parents' disappointment with him. The lectures about not running away from his responsibilities like some teenage boy.

He walked back to the breakroom and was relieved to see Ray was alone working on a cross puzzle.

"Hey." Nick said, "You got a minute?"

"I was about to see Doc about a body, but I can take a moment for you."

"Thanks," Nick smiled and sat down at the table, "Can you tell me anything about this guy?"

He handed Ray the Matthew Taylor file.

Sliding his glasses back on, Ray flipped open the file, "Oh yes, this one was very sad."

"You sure it was a suicide?"

"Positive. His prints were all over the belt buckle. No signs of forced entry. I even had the suicide note analyzed and compared to his handwriting and it was a match. No signs it was a forced note either." Ray looked up and asked, "Why are you questioning my cases?" He looked defensive, the good doctor was always particular with his cases and didn't like to be second-guessed.

Nick shook his head, "It's part of the Seabird case."

"The child porn case?" Ray looked at him quizzically and then brightened, "Well his mother told us he'd been battling depression since he was about 15, after he was molested by someone."

"Yeah, Brenda Cane." Nick declared, "It's on video."

"Oh I see!" Ray shook his head, "His mother never mentioned a video

"That's because she didn't know, or at least I don't think she did."

"You know, the timing of his suicide was interesting. It was just after the Maddison Conway murder. Was Brenda ever on TV?"

"I don't know." Nick said, "I don't remember."

_Because I just found out I was entertainment to cyber pedophiles._

"Well the timing is subject." Ray said and then eyed him. "You're not thinking about going over there and telling them, are you?"

"I'd like to find out about what happened to him." Nick said, "I was hoping to talk to him about pressing charges or filing a civil suit against Brenda."

"You think it's a good idea to open up old wounds, Nick?"

"Some wounds never heal, Ray. Imagine how he felt wondering who was getting his jolies off watching him being attacked. Having to live with that every day!" Nick argued more intensely then he realized. "Imagine wandering the streets wondering who would recognize him or not!"

"Maybe he just decided to let it go..."

"He's dead Ray, he obviously didn't."

Ray eyed him, "And you're sure it's Brenda Cane on the video?"

"Positive! I mean it's the back of her head, but it's her."

"But Nick it could be anyone."

"No it's not, Ray."

"You're supposed to be putting together a case against Ben Seabird but you're hell bound to go after Brenda Cane?"

"I'm convinced she's a big part of this, more so than him."

"But he killed the little girl."

"That was never seen in the video."

"No, the video was cut shortly before the murder." Ray folded his hands on the table, "If you want to go over and talk with the family, you have my blessing if that's why you're here, but I would argue that it's pointless."

"It's not." Nick picked up the file, "Thanks Ray."

xxXXxx

Nick parked in front of a small, white bungalow with a white picket fence. Everlast was singing in the radio about 'not knowing what's it like.'

Other than his ordeal with Brenda, Nick knew he'd lived a charmed life. His family had money, status and it bestowed opportunities for him, benefits which the family of Matthew Taylor would never see.

And at one time in his life, he admits he rode the 'poor bashing' wagon. Until he'd started working in Vegas and realized that some of the worst human beings alive were the rich and the most honest ones were the poor.

He also knew the poor didn't have the same opportunities legally as the rich and were at the mercy of public defenders who were more interested in their careers than ensuring they received a fair trial.

Life sucked and Matthew Taylor knew it.

As he sat in the living room with Mrs. Taylor senior he presented the facts about the video and watched as her face crumbled in tears.

Mrs. Taylor junior was sleeping while Mr. Taylor senior had taken Matthew's son to the park.

Nick stared around the small but tidy living room and studied photos on the wall taken at various points of Matthew's life. Then his eyes settled on a class photo of him around 15 looking sullen in his class photo.

"That was taken shortly after it happened." Mrs. Taylor a small, plump woman with greying hair and kind, green eyes said.

Nick thought about a photo in his album of his sisters and him at the ranch leaning against a fence where a thoroughbred stood. He looked very gloomy in this photo offsetting the cheerful grins of his sisters and brother. His mother had concluded it was because he was still recovering from his tonsillectomy.

_No mom, it was more than that._

"Why didn't you go to the police?" Nick asked softly as he folded the file.

"Matthew was so ashamed, Mr. Stokes." Mrs. Taylor clasped her hands together. "We couldn't force him. We tried. Finally, my husband confronted her husband and Mr. Cane agreed to pay us one million dollars as well moving expenses and buying us a house." She pointed around them "We decided on this so the money wouldn't be spent too quickly. However, Matthew didn't want the money. He simply enrolled in the army on his 16th birthday."

Nick smiled as he noted the photo she took from the side table and smiled. "He did use some of the money to take guitar lessons. He was very talented. Matthew had a band. That's how he met Lydia after he came back from Iraq."

"Did he ever mention a video recording what happened to him?"

"No." Mrs. Taylor shook her head, "He told us the basics and then refused to speak about it." Tears formed in her eyes, "He refused to get therapy. He refused to deal with it."

"How did you find out?"

"I was a bad mom and read his journal and we confronted him, assured him we still loved him."

She handed the journal to Nick who opened it and read the contents.

_Holy shit. I can't believe Mrs. Cane did that to me._

Nick snapped it shut. He believed it.

"So do you think what happened to Matthew had something to do with what Brenda Cane did?"

Mrs. Taylor pressed her lips together and held her hand over her mouth.

"Yeah it did!" A women's voice came from the hallway. Nick turned and saw a young brunette woman strolling down dressed in grey track pants and tight military t-shirt. He assumed it was Matthew's wife and now widow, Lydia Taylor. She flopped down on the couch and drew a sobbing Mrs. Taylor into her arms. "It's okay, mom. I'm going to take it from here." Then she looked straight at Nick, her mouth thin.

"Around the time that poor little girl Maddie Conway was murdered, we saw Brenda Cane on TV going into the court house. Matthew's face went white. For weeks, Mr. Stokes, he was... a mess...he only drank socially, but then he started to drink heavily. He would go out driving at all hours of the night. He became a recluse."

"I didn't know he'd seen that...that bitch!" Mrs. Taylor straightened up, "I had no idea."

"I didn't know until shortly before he died, he showed me his journal." Lydia explained, "And then he told me it was Brenda Cane, the mother of one of the murder suspects."

Nick sighed heavily. "Did you encourage him to talk to someone?"

"I tried." Lydia choked, tears streamed down her cheeks, "I told him it didn't change how I felt about him, Mr. Stokes. I loved him all the more because he had survived it." Her mouth drooped into a deep frown, "But I guess he didn't and now his son is never going to know the wonderful man he was."

Nick felt a jolt of guilt recalling Mandy's news in the breakroom.

"Now my child will grow up without a father and that just sucks! Children need their dads, Mr. Stokes, they really do."

Tears formed in small pools in the corner of his eyes and he rubbed his chin, "Mrs. Taylor, both Mrs. Taylors, do you think or consider filing a lawsuit against Mrs. Cane or pressing charges?"

Mrs. Taylor senior recovered, "Lydia saw a lawyer, but...but..."

Lydia shrugged, "It's not going to bring him back. My son doesn't have a father, Mr. Stokes, no punishment for her is going to change that." Her eyes reamed of bitterness and hurt "And...why are you here, Mr. Stokes?"

"If you...if you were to file a lawsuit, I have some evidence of his attack."

The two women stared at him.

"She video taped it."

Mrs. Taylor senior gasped and her head dipped into her hands, but Mrs. Taylor junior was strangely calm. Nick couldn't help but keep his focus on the younger woman who didn't appear to be surprised by this news at all. He suddenly had a hunch.

Finally, Mrs. Taylor sat up and said gloomily, "And I guess the video is on a porn site?"

"The suspect in the Maddison Conway murder ran a website and some videos from as far back as the 1980s are on there, including your son's attack by who I suspect is Brenda Cane."

A tense silence filled the room as the two women reacted as night and day. Mrs. Taylor Sr. Appeared to crumple while Mrs. Taylor was nodding to herself, a reaction that perplexed Nick but with the emotional bomb he'd just set off he decided then and there he'd done a great disservice to this family, out of his own selfishness not to pursue any justice to protection his reputation, he'd open a deep, deep wound in this family.

Fianally, Mrs. Taylor Sr. St up, wiped her nose with a tissue and said, "I don't think a lawsuit is going to bring my son back."

"I agree." The younger woman glared at him angrily, "I think you should leave, Mr. Stokes."

He stood up and said, "You're right and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come today. I did more harm than good."

The women remained silent.

"I'll see myself out."

xxXXxx

At his truck, he began to self-flagellate himself. Ray had once told him he was a masochist, he was right.

"I shouldn't have come."He gripped the wheel and tried to steady his breath, "Goddammit what the fuck was I thinking!" He closed his eyes and leaned into the steering wheel.

Just then a knock at his window surprised him, he jumped and looked.

Lydia Taylor stood there, her face stained with tears. She was holding a box, inside it held a lap top.

He opened the door and stepped out. She shoved it at him, her mouth in a frown.

"I don't want it back." She shook her head, "I have my own." There was a rather strange look on her face. Then she walked away, her arms folded over her chest.

"Wait..wait.." Nick called after her. Lydia Taylor turned around and walked back over, tears streaming down her face.

"What's on this?" He asked, "Please..just tell me.."

Lydia's gut-wrenching sobs were racking her body, her face in her hands before looking up, her tear stained face boring into his, "Mr. Stokes, my husband was a good man, I should have known better. I should not have assumed the worst. He was telling the truth and I didn't believe him."

Ice ran through Nick's veins as he stammered out, "He..saw the video, didn't he?"

She held up her hand walked away only shouting, "Just get it out of here, please!"

xxXXxx

As he drove off the sobs began as words rang in his head like one of the flying monkeys from_ The Wizard of Oz._

"_Now my child will grow up without a father and that just sucks! Children need their dads, Mr. Stokes, they really do."_

He desperately and whole heartedly needed to talk to Catherine.

xxXxx

At the office, Nick laid the box on Julia's desk.

"Tell me if you find anything on this lap top."

Julia shrugged and stood up, "Yeah, sure. I'll get right on it."

"Tear it apart bit, by bit. I want to know everything you find. I don't care if it's a letter or a video...everything!"

Holding her hand, she said, "I know what I'm doing, Nick. And I'll message you right away."

"I'm going over to see my supervisor at the Lab. My cell's on though." and with that he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Honour Thy Children**

**Chapter 11**

**_Breathe... keep breathing_**  
**_Don't lose.. your nerve._**  
**_Breathe... keep breathing_**  
**_I can't do this.. alone._**

**_Exit Music (for a Film) Radiohead_**

**_AN: Thank you for the reviews and thank you to Nickyfan for her beta.  
_**

Catherine was sitting at her desk reading away as Nick approached her door after finishing his shift. He hesitated before knocking. He was scared.

Admitting to her that he was the 'son of a bitch' who walked away from Mandy after finding out she was pregnant with his child was scary on several fronts. He knew he'd endure a female wrath for being a typical male chauvinistic pig. He knew she'd make him go to Ecklie and admit that he is tied to Mandy.

However, in spite of all that, he also remembered that Catherine was the only person who knew his secret.

He knocked and swallowed his nerves.

Catherine looked up, peered over her glasses and smiled, waving him in. He did so and closed the door behind him.

"Well this is a nice surprise." She stood up and walked around her desk to embrace him, "So nice to see a familiar face."

"Thanks Catherine." Nick withdrew and asked, "I'm sure Greg is doing a good job as Interim Assistant Supervisor."

"Oh he's doing a great job, but he's not you, Nicky." Catherine sighed. "I get tired of listening to his Vegas stories."

Laughing, Nick took a seat, "Yeah, I treated them like white noise."

Catherine leaned on her desk and studied him closely, "You look like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders, Nicky."

He leaned back into the chair and rubbed his chin trying to figure out where to start.

"I'm...I'm...in a bad spot, Cat...I really need to talk to someone."

Concerned, she nodded and took a seat in the second chair besides his, "Sure...anything...I'm all ears."

Nick folded his arms and tried to find the words, but they seemed stuck in his throat, "I'm...I've been such a son of a bitch..."

Catherine's eyebrows knitted together, "Why would you call yourself that?"

"Cause I'm a selfish, a fucking selfish, self-centred asshole!" Nick felt his throat tighten and he started to rock back and forth, his rolling into fists, his veins prominent.

"Nick! I've never, ever heard you ever call yourself those names in the 12 years we've known each other."

The water works were forming in his eyes and slipped down, "Well, I guess you don't really know me, do you?"

"I know you better than anyone else in Vegas." Catherine smiled warmly and ran her hands up and down her skinny jeans, "And I don't think you're any of those things. You are wonderful man with integrity and..."

"...who impregnated a lab rat and left her high and dry." Nick said blankly and waited for the explosion.

Instead, he received an amused smile as Catherine leaned back in her chair, folded her arms and told in a contrite voice, "I know."

Nick gulped nervously, "You do?"

"I knew you two were seeing each other. I have eyes and I have instincts.' She slid a blonde strand of hair behind her ear.

Slumping into his chair, Nick grumbled, "So how can you still think of me as a guy of integrity?"

"Because I also know why you're acting this way, and why you're running." Catherine's face grew solemn, "When Ecklie first told me he was transferring you to CETS, I had my reservations and I did object, but I wasn't able to give him a good reason. I know you can do the job, Nick, but you are the last person who should be working in a unit like that, not with your...history." She fumbled over the last word, "There are some triggers that can't be handled, no matter how strong the person is."

"I'm not that strong. I mean in the past several weeks I feel like I've been hit by two Mack trucks."

"Well working in this unit must take a piece of your soul, especially after what you have gone through..." Catherine chose her next words carefully, "I mean, it's like watching yourself being attacked, isn't it, Nicky?"

Her words hit him full throttle, "Catherine." He spoke slowly, "You don't know how close to the truth you are about what's really eating me." Nick felt the familiar tingling of a full fledged panic attack. The kind he had after his burial. It took almost two years before he could be in a small space without feeling as if he were going to have a major cardiac arrest.

Instantly, Catherine pulled the chair closer and clasped his hands, "Breathe, Nicky, breathe. Take slow deep breaths." She squeezed his fingers, "It's going to be okay."

"No...no...it's not..." His eyes welled, "Catherine...there's..." The tears were flowing, "Cat...she made a video..."

"Who?" she looked confused.

"She made a video of me..." his voice was tight, almost like a child, "She taped her...me she taped herself molesting me and posted it on a porn site." The words sounded so insidious, even he couldn't believe it.

Catherine's jaw hung in shock as she struggled to find the words, "Who...how..."

"It's Brenda Cane." The words finally blurted out, "It's her. She did it!" He leaned back in the chair taking deep breaths to ward off the panic attack, his hands rolled into fists.

_Get a grip__, __Nick! Get a grip._

Stunned silence followed the admission as Catherine stood up and sat on the edge of her desk trying to comprehend the news.

Finally contained, Nick calmly continued, "I saw the video. It was my room. My bed. My walls. My posters. It was me. I was nine years old and I was sick and she used my dad's video camera!" The tears rolled down his face. "I was just a kid, I was sick and she just...did these things…to me...I can't...even...it's..."

"You are sure it's her?" Catherine asked and clarified, "I mean you were so young, Nick."

"I took a copy of the video home, played it on my computer and compared what I saw on it to pictures from my mother's photo album. It's her. It was my room. It was me."

"Jesus Christ! I don't know what to say, Nicky." Catherine's arms slumped to her side.

"It's on Ben Seabird's porn site and oh yeah, it's her!" Nick ran a trembling hand over his face, "That video has gotten over 500 000 hits! That means there's almost a million fucking people who have seen me being molested, Catherine!"

"Oh God!" Catherine, usually so stoic was clearly struggling to remain calm.

"Sick bastards!" he growled. He hated the way he was feeling right now, vulnerable, violated, disgusted with himself. "I should have fought her, Catherine."

"You were a child, Nick!" She shot back vehemently, "You know that. You couldn't do anything about it." Tears slipped from her blue eyes, "You were a little boy who just got the worst kind of babysitter that night and there was nothing you could have done. She was a predator."

Nick finally allowed the walls to crumble within him as he wept it all out like a lonely puppy. Just like the day after he found out about Mandy's pregnancy and how internally he just shut down like a newly outsourced factory.

Catherine was always the safest person to do this with. She never judged him. After Nick was done, she went over to her bar fridge, opened the door and took out a bottle of water and brought it back.

"So why are you scared to be a father? What has all this got to do with your child?" She pulled out another chair and sat across from him, clasping his hands.

"He deserves better than me." Nick felt more tears rush forth, "He deserves a dad who isn't damaged goods."

"He doesn't have to know what happened to you." Catherine implored and then added, "And you are not damaged goods."

He sniffled, "How can I protect him when I can't protect myself?"

Catherine took a deep breathe, "Well, running away won't protect him."

"Mandy deserves a better man to be a father to him."

"You don't want to relinquish that role? Do you Nick?"

"If it means the safety of my family..."

"What about Mandy?"

"She deserves a better man than me."

"How do you know what she deserves? Have you ever asked her?" Catherine stared pointedly at him, "In the few times I saw you, I could see the twinkle in her eye when she looked at you. It's the same look I saw with Sara towards Grissom, and the same one I see with Hodges towards Wendy."

"Must be the chemicals around here." Nick said with a small smile.

Squeezing his hands, Catherine continued, "Nick, you will make a wonderful father to that child. He will be lucky to have you."

Nick wiped the tears away from his eyes. "I thought for sure you'd give me hell."

"At first, I wanted to say something, but I figured you had a good reason to behave the way you do."

"And you knew it was me."

"Yeah, I knew. I was surprised when Mandy told me the father wasn't going to be in the picture."

"I bet your really disappointed in me?" Nick sniffled.

Catherine sighed and said sympathetically, "No, Nick. I knew you would start to come around once whatever was blocking you was moved."

"How did you do it, Catherine? How did you raise Lindsay so well in this crappy town?" He asked bleakly as far as he was concerned, no kid had a chance in hell in this town.

"She did turn out well, didn't she?" Catherine beamed proudly at a silver-framed picture of the young girl clad in a graduation robe. "It wasn't easy, Nick. I had my tough years, especially after her father died. It was very hard on her. Then she lost Sam and well..." She turned back to him, "I can tell you losing her father was devastating. He wasn't perfect, Nick, but he loved her and was there for her as much as possible in spite of his faults."

Nick's head drooped as he drank in Catherine's pearls of wisdom.

With warmth and encouragement in her words, she continued, "I think it would be good for you to be a father, Nick. You will find a new zest for your work. A new reason to fight crime."

He was still unconvinced, "But what if something happens to him? What if someone does the same thing to him as was done to me?"

"Nick, there're no guarantees in this world even when raising children." Catherine smiled sympathetically for a second before her face grew serious. "I think you not being a part of his world would be a very serious crime in itself, Nicky."

He blinked and looked around the room for a moment as epiphany settled in, "You're right." He nodded emphatically, "You're right and with that I'm going to find Mandy and make amends."

"She's gone home." Catherine informed him, her eyes twinkled with excitement.

Nick grew alarmed, "Is she okay?"

"Oh she's fine. She had an appointment and will be off tomorrow. She's been putting in some major overtime trying to save up money for when she goes on maternity leave, but I'm concerned about her wearing herself out, so I told her to take the day off."

"I'll go see her right now." Nick stood up and clasped his hands together coyly,"But I'm going to do some shopping first."

She beamed, "I think you should."

"You promise to give me some parenting tips?" A grin spread across his face. He was truly excited at the prospect of becoming a father.

"Absolutely."

He turned and was about to leave when the blonde woman called out, "Nick wait!"

Catherine held her hand to stop him, "There's something I think you need to hear."

"What's that?" he asked, a little anxious because he wanted, no needed, to talk to Mandy. Every second counts.

Catherine stood up, stared directly at him and said, "You should not be working in that department, Nick. You have a history and you definitely are walking a fine line of conflict given who your molester was?"

"I have to finish these cases, Catherine." Nick said defensively, "I've worked cases that walked the fine line of conflict before. You remember Kelly Gordon."

"But it's tearing you apart, so why?" she implored, "I don't understand."

"I want to see this finished." Nick explained, and briefed her with his case with Matthew Taylor, his visit with Pavel Cane and his and Sara's suspicions over who really killed Maddie Conway and finally his desire in bringing Brenda Cane to justice.

"She's been a busy woman." Catherine flopped down the desk blowing out a breathe in disgust and exasperation.

"Yeah," Nick scoffed, "I don't think Sheila was even there when Maddie was murdered." Then he asked, "But why would she take the fall for her mother?"

"She was manipulated to do so, or maybe she wanted to prove her love to her mother." Catherine surmised.

"Or maybe Brenda's got something on her?" Nick guessed

"All hunches, but no solid proof."

"Not yet." Nick said. "But I have a feeling Mrs. Cane's house of cards is about to fall down around her."

"So what do you get out of it besides constant triggers and emotional pain?" Catherine asked.

"This is my own form of therapy. I'm erasing just one more ghost from my past." Nick said determinedly as he made his way out of her office.

xxXXxx

Nick text messaged Gillespie letting him know he was going to take advantage of the overtime he put in and take the next day off. He gave no reason and worded it in such a fashion that there would be no arguments.

He did leave word with Julia to keep him updated on what she finds on the lap top.

Next he took a trip to the mall and picked up a few gifts and some groceries.

Then he headed over to Mandy's. He wasn't sure if she was home or not, but he'd wait.

The parking pass she'd given him still worked, and he was grateful for the generous amount of guest parking available. However, as he drove around under dim lights it was clear that all spots were taken. He cursed at whoever decided to have some sort of parking or family reunion.

Now there was public parking available, but it was five blocks from the building.

Nick found a spot and grimaced but paid the flat rate of $40.00, simply because he wasn't sure how long he would stay here. As far as he knew, it could be to no avail and he'd be out money. But he didn't care, he just wanted to see her.

It wouldn't have been such an arduous walk, except the grey clouds above unfurled and soon he was drenched to the skin He scurried along, worrying about some of the gifts he bought getting wet.

Butterflies fluttered about madly in his stomach as his teeth chattered from the cold. Nick wasn't sure if Mandy would allow him back into her life, but he sure and hell was going to try because he wasn't going to allow Brenda Cane to win again. He wasn't a child anymore, he was a grown man and he was strong enough to fight back against the past.

By the time he reached Mandy's building and ran up the steps. He was drenched from head to toe. Drops of rain flew into his face from the brim of his hat. He dashed into the building, and made a beeline for the elevator.

As soon as he reached Mandy's floor, he felt a rush of panic within him. He stalled.

_My life is going to change dramatically no matter what happens with Mandy. I'm going to be father._

Ideas raced around his head. He could leave the bags, knock on the door and run. However, his legs froze to the floor as he reached the door.

Then he remembered Matthew Taylor's wife and the anguish she felt over her son growing up without a father. Nick scolded himself for being a coward.

Setting the bags down, he rapped the door and waited for a minute, his heard beating so loudly he thought for sure Mandy would hear through the wooden frame.

"Hello?" her voice sounded irritated.

"Hey, it's...Nick."

Silence.

"May I come in? Please?"

Silence for agonizing minutes and then he heard the tumblers click as she opened the door. She was dressed in a blue LVPD t-shirt and grey sweat pants. His eyes glued on her burgeoning belly in plain sight. Dark circles formed under her deep brown eyes, her black, but shiny hair was tousled and her luscious mouth set in a tight line.

Mandy studied him up and down and asked, "What are you doing here?" She looked downright angry to see him, it was not a good start. Nick shuffled his feet nervously.

Still he forged on and fumbled, "I'm...I just want to talk and to bring you stuff and..." His shoulders slumped, "Please, Mandy can I come in?"

Her eyes widened behind her glasses as she opened the door a little more and nodded, "Sure, I guess."

Nick carried the bags in, slipped out of his wet shoes as Mandy lifted one of them.

"It's okay, I got it." He wasn't going to let her carry the heavy groceries. Not in her condition.

But then he noticed she was holding a gift bag from Mastermind, a toy store promoting cognitive development.

A smile spread across her cherub face as she pulled a teddy bear with baseball hat out of the bag and then a baseball glove and a ball. A merry giggle escaped her lips and she looked up and said, "You realize the baby won't be playing baseball for a few years yet, Nick."

Grinning he said, "Well, I wanted to be prepared."

"What if it hates baseball and prefers piano?" she pulled t-shirts and a football out of the bag.

Nick shrugged, "Then I guess I'll buy a piano for him."

She eyed him suspiciously, "How do you know I'm having a boy?"

Embarrassed he mumbled, "I eaves dropped on a conversation you were having with Ray."

"Oh, I see." Then she dove into another bag and pulled out some clothes, sweat shirts and jeans. "These are adorable." She grinned as she held up a little blue t-shirt with a brown puppy on it.

Mandy set the clothes on her brown, leather couch with black duvet draped over it. It looked as if she'd been lying down watching some new show about a bunch of high school kids singing in a Glee club. She walked over and said warmly, "Thank you, but you didn't have to do this. I have it all covered." She stroked his wet sleeves, pulling away with an scrunched up face, "And you still haven't answered as to why you're here, Nick."

"I think the milk will go sour if I don't get it to the fridge." Nick quickly dashed over and opened the fridge. It was plenty full, but he still shoved all of Mandy's favourites in there, Harvarti cheese, milk, strawberries, peaches and butter, pure butter.

He felt her staring at him and he closed the fridge and noticed the bags on the counter from the local Chinese food store.

"Sure this stuff is safe for you to eat?" Nick wanted to grab the whole bag and give it to Hodges to examine for chemicals, chemicals which could hurt the development of his child.

"I've been eating there since I got back and we both are fine." Mandy strolled over and opened the brown bags and sighed, "Oh god this smells good."

"Let me get you a plate." Nick quickly moved in but Mandy stopped him and faced him, her eyes stern, her body posture stiff.

_She's going to tell me to get the fuck out of here. And I deserve it._

For a moment, it appeared she had plenty to say. She started with a few words, and clamped her mouth shut.

Finally she spoke, "I'm going to get two plates." She motioned to the closet door." You're soaking wet and you have dry clothes in a bag in the closet. They're clean, a bit wrinkled but clean. Get changed and have some lunch with me."

A relieved smile spread across his face, "I'd like that very much."

They ate quietly. Nick realized he was starving. As he inhaled the springs rolls he noticed she'd cleared her plate and was helping herself to seconds.

She noticed him watching her and blushed, "I'm eating for two."

"You are indeed." Nick chuckled passing some packs of plum sauce to her.

The rain pelted against the windows, a breeze blew through as Anderson Cooper bemoaned the oil slick off the Gulf of Mexico.

"Cooper's a leftist moron." Nick grumbled.

Mandy glared at him, "Okay, I'll turn on Fox News and we can listen to Bill O'Reilly go on about how the oil will just break up naturally."

Nick snorted, "Yeah in forty years."

"Well that's what the ranting right goes on about!" Mandy snapped grabbing the last chicken ball before Nick could take it.

He stared at her nervously. He should have kept his mouth shut.

"Sorry," Mandy's eyes softened. "Hormones."

"I'm sorry. Anderson's right, well he's left...or he's...something...I don't know...he's dating this dude...and..." Nick nodded. "Sorry, I'm just..."

Mandy reached out and squeezed his hand, "It's not you. I'm just easily pissed off. It doesn't take much." She stood up and began to clear the table asking if he wanted any coffee.

"No, that's okay." Nick said as he began to help her.

"I'm fine." She said and faced him; their eyes meeting and his heart began a marathon as he waited to see if there was anything there to give hope of salvaging the damage he had done. He hoped like hell the little bit of warmth from her eyes was a clear indication he was on the right track.

"I'm sorry." Nick said to her breaking the tension, "I've been a major jerk about everything." He gently placed his hands on her face.

She smiled crookedly and shrugged, "I guess you just weren't expecting the news."

"No I wasn't, but it was still no excuse for the way I acted."

"If you don't want to be with me, then say so, but be there for him."

"No," Nick insisted, "I want to be with you. I've been miserable since you left." He held her close, whispering, "I just freaked at the idea of being a father."

"I'm scared shitless too, Nick." Mandy rasped, tears welling in her eyes. "And even more scared because I was going to have to do it all alone, and I just couldn't fathom it."

"No, you're not going to do it alone." Nick stroked her back comfortingly, "I want to be here now with you both, if you'll have me?" He drew back and awaited her reaction.

She answered him with a zealous kiss, her arms entwined round his neck, stirring heat between them.

After all it had been months, and while Nick knew he held the reputation of a being a major player, one wouldn't know it judging by his almost monk-like existence. The horrors he witnessed daily had taken a toll and his grief over his relationship with Mandy added another layer of sadness.

With each kiss, Mandy breathed life back into him and he savored the feel of her tongue slipping into his mouth, sending jolts to his groin which responded eagerly.

His hands drew circles on her back as a simmering fire grew between them. He vaguely registered her moan as she came up for air. Opening his eyes, he was pleased to see her flushed with want and desire.

Nick was winning the battle at regaining her heart.

"You know," Mandy whispered, her voice thick with longing as her hands slid down his chest and hovered around the elastic waist of his track pants, "In the second trimester, woman experience in surge of hormones making them very, very horny."

"Yeah I do know that for a fact." Nick responded, "My sister Angela is a gynecologist, obstetrician." He dove in for another kiss and she responded with an intense passion which surprised him as biology dictated he responded accordingly. He felt her hands diving in under his briefs and began a rhythmic massage. He groaned as jolts rang through him.

"Wait...wait..." Nick reluctantly stopped, "Is it safe...I mean...seriously. What did the doctor say?"

Mandy gritted her teeth with irritation as she answered, "I never asked him because there was no reason to." Her hands began to eagerly move again as she mumbled huskily, "You're a scientist, Nick, so you know very well the baby is protected by the placenta."

"Yeah I know that." He answered, "But I mean...this is...different...because well it's mine and I want him to be safe."

Mandy licked her lips and said reassuringly, "Sexual activity has also been suggested as a way to prepare for induced labour; some believe the natural prostaglandin content of seminal liquid can favour the maturation process of the cervix making it more flexible, allowing for easier and faster dilation and effacement of the cervix."

"Well, I don't want you to go into labour right now." Nick insisted.

"I won't." she took him by the hand and started to lead him to her bedroom.

"Wait...does this mean I'm forgiven?"

She turned and eyed him up and down, "Well let's see how things go in there." She winked slyly and pulled him forward.

xxXXxx

Now Nick wasn't sure who took what off. He simply allowed himself to be lost in a cloud of desire as he laid down beside her and drank in the sight before him.

Mandy was a voluptuous and curvy gal, but damn he never thought he'd ever get this turned on by the site of her carrying his kid. Her stomach was smooth and round like a soccer ball, with blue vein running down the middle, and her belly button looking as it were fighting a losing battle to stay an innie. Her breasts were now very voluptuous with red wine nipples the size of sand dollars.

His finger trailed down her side and she lay perched on an elbow, and she giggled, "Stop studying me like a body at a crime scene, Stokes."

"Sorry," Nick said, "My sister told me once men actually get turned on by pregnant woman. I didn't believe her till now."

Mandy smirked as her hand slid down and began to stroke him, earnestly. "Make love to me..now!"

"Patience," He leaned over and kissed her deeply and took a leisurely journey, kissing every iota of skin south bound, her fingers massaging his scalp as he explored this new body. He had to taste the now very dark nipples, both of them, rolling his tongue around them reveling in their rougher texture and bitter taste. She gasped at the sensation as his licks turned to gentle sucks.

With his mouth occupied, his fingers went to work down below, rubbing a very, very sensitive nub feeling moisture well at his very touch while their mouths met again and again, each kiss sizzling.

Nick was doing something right as his fingers pulsed the fleshy skin; it wasn't too long before she begged for him to be inside her.

"I gotta find the right position, darling." Nick laughed and then crawled behind her. His sister had once shared gory details about how spooning was the best positions because in her words,

_It can be very comfortable as there is no pressure on the abdomen and you have lots of movement. Your partner can position themselves behind you at different angles to allow for penetration._

Nick had gagged at the time but was now grateful for the information.

Slowly he slid in, his hands gripped her breasts as one of her legs draped over his and a slow and methodical tempo began. Mandy's hand closed around his as they rocked their breathing fell into rhythmic timing as moans filled the room.

She wanted him to go faster, but he refused and assured her slow and easy would get the exact same results. He ran a tongue along her ear canal while feeling her hand clasp over his, fingers entwined.

Nick was finding it a major struggle not to ramp up the tempo and soon enough he was losing control and giving her all he had, skin slapping madly. She moaned his name over and over, which fueled his fire.

As the crescendo hit, he felt her body tighten around him and they swam in a sea of ecstasy. He squeezed her fingers so hard he thought he would snap them. Finally he slumped into her back huffing from the exertion, noticing how sweaty she was. He closed his eyes and inhaled the musky scent of her damp hair.

Neither of them spoke for a while as thunder rumbled outside.

He was still regrouping as he felt the bed jostle as she turned over to face him. He opened his eyes and grinned at her as she leaned over and kissed him on the forehead telling him he did really good.

"Glad to hear it." He answered and basked in the warmth of her joyous face, "I never made love to a pregnant woman before, so I'm happy to hear I was successful."

She glowered, "I'm glad you're in a different department. I'm so horny these days, I might pounce you at any given moment, in the hallway, in the Print Lab."

Chuckling, Nick reached out and brushed her face with a finger answering, "Yeah I don't think that would go over well with Catherine or Ecklie, especially Ecklie."

She laughed softly, entwining her fingers around his, kissing his digits. It delighted him to see that adoration twinkled in her brown eyes.

_I could really enjoy this. Being a lone wolf is not such a good thing anymore._

Yet, Nick realized he never actually told her he loved her, but he knew he did. He realized it when she left for New York. He just couldn't admit it to himself, let alone to her.

Maybe it was time to tell her.

"Nick?" Her voice interrupted his trains of thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're here." She said sadly, "Even if it's only because of him."

"No, it's not just for him." Nick assured her. "I mean, I've really missed you and I..."

Her eyes widened.

The words stumbled out like rocks falling down a hill. "I...love...you..."

Her eyes filled with tears as she said, "Yeah...me too...Stokes..." She cleared her throat and continued, "Of course, I've been in love with you for years..."

"You never said anything." Nick was surprised.

"Well, I just figured it wasn't meant to be." Mandy explained with a shrug, "And then things happened, but I sure as hell didn't expect to find myself pregnant with your child."

"I'm glad it worked out the way it did." Nick said and splayed his hand along the smooth contours of her pregnant belly feeling joy spring in his heart as a thud greeted his hand.

"Oh wow!" He laughed, "That is cool."

She laughed along with him and said, "I think he knows who his daddy his."

"Well I'm looking forward to meeting him." Nick said.

The rain drummed against the window as they drank in the reverie until Nick spoke heavily, "I'm going to explain everything to you, about everything that's been going on with me and some of it isn't going to be easy to hear."

She scrunched her face in confusion and nodded, "I'm all ears."


	12. Chapter 12

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 12

_Lived and learned from fools and  
from sages  
You know it's true  
All the things come back to you_

Dream On, Arrowsmith

Those annoying kids on that damn show about glee clubs were silenced when the TV was shut off. Mandy lit some candles and slipped into Nick's awaiting arms on the couch pulling a patchwork quilt her grandmother had sent her a few years ago around them.

"Tell me everything." Mandy instructed him and curled into him.

At first it was hard to get the words out. He tried to stay detached from it. But as the more sensitive details emerged his throat was tightening, making it harder for the words to come out. They wanted to stay hidden in the safe zone. After all, the safe zone made it possible keep up his image of a hero.

Heroes don't get molested.

"It all started when I was nine and my parents went out and I was left alone with this high school girl..."

He sensed Mandy tensing up. As he told her the gory details of his molestation, he felt himself drifting away to a place of fear and anxiety, but was anchored by a hand squeezing his. She was the second person to know this story.

"After it was over, I watched the door waiting for mom to get home. I didn't realize the video camera my dad had in my room was left on. I guess I must have forgotten to turn it off after my friend and I videotaped ourselves playing Star Wars. The video tape was gone, but I never thought anything of it at the time. I was too numb. I was numb all summer, Mandy. I just carried on and on as if nothing happened."

He heard a deep sigh and she squeezed his hand tighter as Nick forged on with the recent turn of events.

"While I was investigating Ben Seabird's website, I found this old video..."

"Oh God, no!" Mandy moaned.

"It was me on there, Mandy." Nick felt tears flow a sad trail down his cheeks. "I was watching myself being molested. I wasn't sure until I heard her say my name. I should have known it was me, but I was in denial. So I went home, found a photo album and confirmed it was me. I flipped out big time. I threw things, I screamed in rage."

"I would too if it were me." said Mandy in a soft, tender voice, head curled onto his chest.

"But the real kicker," Nick said in a tight, hoarse voice, "is that this babysitter...the baby sitter who molested me was Brenda Cane, Sheila's mother."

Mandy eased up slowly, turned around and faced him, horror filled her face, "God no, no that just can't be…she's...how many years older."

"About five or six." Nick shrugged. "When I think of that summer, it's all grey, you know, just fleeting memories."

"And I bet that video brought those memories into stark, technicolour horror." Mandy said.

Nick nodded, "I felt sick. I felt rage, just rage more than I'd ever felt in my life. I mean I'm a strong guy, Mandy. I can take anything but that just did me in. I've been watching kids getting raped and all kinds of things done to them online and I just...I see myself in their eyes. I see their pain, their fear, their confusion. It's a mirror in a freakish fun house for me. I'm seeing myself being…molested. It's me and it's them and I feel connected to all of them because I've been there." His voice trailed off, he couldn't talk about it anymore.

Silence followed as rain pelted through the window and thunder crackled.

Finally Mandy spoke heavily, "I don't think you should be doing this job."

He smiled warmly, "A lot of people thought I would have left after I was buried alive, but I stayed on."

"Yeah, you did." Mandy said with mirth, "I don't know if you're a masochist or so determined to get justice, you're willing to deal with cases that would trigger the hardest of cops and detectives."

Nick brushed a black hair over her ears, "I guess I'm a bit of both." He drew her back to his chest and mumbled, "The attack itself is bad enough, the video taping is even worse, but now to know it's on the world wide web and millions of sickos are getting their jolies watching me being attacked…sometimes when I'm out in public, I wonder if any of them are out there and recognize me."

"I don't think they would know it's you, though. If you couldn't recognize yourself at first, then most of those sickos wouldn't either." She assured him.

Nick recalled, "I remember after my mom came home, Brenda was just standing there while my mom asked if I was okay. My brother went into his room and started listening to Duran Duran. Life went on just effortlessly for everyone, but me."

"You never told them?" Mandy asked.

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"I was too ashamed, embarrassed, scared. I just pushed it out of my mind till I started to work at this job. It started to come back with a case Catherine and I did. After that, I wasn't allowed to do child molestation cases until that rape case with that kid."

"You have no reason to be embarrassed, Nick. It wasn't your fault and you know it." Mandy said. "Brenda should be the one who is embarrassed, and she should be charged!"

Nick felt his jaw tighten, "But I can't do it. I think it's too late for me. And another of her victims is dead and one is in jail..." He stared directly at Mandy, "Her daughter."

She recoiled in horror, "What a sick bitch!"

"That's just one word. So I'm trying to build a case against her to have her charged on running a kiddie porn site, but it's hard when she's been very good at covering her tracks. She finds ways of eliminating anyone who challenges her."

They were silent once more as Mandy rested her head against his chest. Man it felt good to be close to someone again. It felt good to be able to share such horrid details with someone and not once feel judged and in fact, feel supported. He stroked the side of her face, twirling a long, silky strand through his fingers.

_I'm right where I oughta be. It feels natural. _

"If I had known what was going on, I would have gone easier on you when I broke the news about being pregnant." Mandy said ruefully.

"You had a right to be angry with me." Nick said to her, and continued, "But I was also scared to death, and I really didn't think I was worthy to be a dad."

"You are worthy and I'm scared too." Mandy insisted, "I'm scared to be a mom. I don't want to screw up my kid. I mean, my parents weren't exactly the Huxtables on that 1980s Billy Cosby show. My dad drank too much and my mother is an obsessive clean freak. My brother hasn't talked to them in three years. So I don't exactly have good role models."

"My parents were good to us." Nick recalled, "A little too strict sometimes, my dad sure liked to use that belt on us, and it didn't matter who did what, we'd all get it because none of us wanted to squeal on the other. I got away with a lot for a while, but then as soon as I was old enough, my ass felt that belt if I got out of line."

"It's not how I want to raise my kid." Mandy surmised. "I can honestly say, as screwed up as my parents were, they never lifted a finger to us."

"Well just because my dad used the belt, it doesn't mean I plan to. If anything, I think it might have played a role in why I never told them about Brenda, I thought I would get in trouble, not her."

Mandy smiled up at him, "There, we agree on one element of parenting."

"You're right." Nick agreed, "We did. Maybe we can do it."

"I think we can." Mandy said.

"But what if something happens to him?" Nick asked, "I mean look at all the shit that's happened to me."

"You can't project your misfortune onto him." She kissed him on the nose. "I'm sure he'll have trials in his life like we all do but like his father, he'll forge on, and he'll be fine because he'll have us there to support him every step of the way."

Leave it to Mandy to turn lemons into lemonade. The bleakness he felt dissipated like the rain and for the first time in weeks, he felt sun breaking through his clouds.

However one cloud loomed dark and scary.

"I don't him to find out." Nick said, "Never."

Mandy nodded, "Of course."

"He'll be ashamed of me." His throat was tightening.

"He never has to know."

"Promise me." Nick said feeling the salty taste of tears slipping through his lips.

"I promise."

"You're not are you?"

"Never. I'm only ashamed that people like her exist." Mandy's voice was trembling.

He gathered her close and buried his face into her hair as sobs in heart-drenching symphony with hers, carrying on until both fell into a deep slumber."

xxXXxx

The next morning, sun light beamed through the vertical blinds as Mandy served blueberry whole wheat pancakes.

They ate in companionable silence as Mandy read through the newspaper while Nick sipped a cup of coffee.

"So..." Nick fumbled for words but continued, "What's the next step for us?"

She looked at him, her face amused by this question, "Does there have to be one?"

He said tenderly, "Well I guess I have some old fashion values left in me, Vegas hasn't erased them all."

"It doesn't have to be the next step, we can continue as is." Mandy answered summarily looking down at her paper.

"Yeah I know, but I got this house that I'm paying for and it's kind of empty." Nick said with a sly smile, "Someone can move themselves in there and fix it up."

"Well, I'm sure Hodges would make a good roommate." Mandy smirked mischeviously at him as she poured herself some coffee.

Nick snorted, "Yeah sure, I have to stop myself from strangling him at the Lab." Then he grew solemn, "No really. I want you to move in. I'd feel better knowing the two of you were there."

"This apartment is plenty safe, Nick." She insisted looking around at the tiny, but comfortably decorated space with movie posters in frames. "We can sleep in the same room for a little while, and then I can buy a pull out couch."

"I don't think that's fair to you."

"Well you can always help me pay the rent for a two bedroom."

"I would feel better knowing you both were safe under my roof." Nick said. "I've got a deluxe alarm system, Mandy, believe me after the stalker incident, I invested in a damn good one."

Mandy leaned back in the chair and mulled the question over, "If I move in with you, I insist on paying my share of the mortgage, the utilities and groceries."

"Fine." Nick agreed. "Then it's a win, win situation. My mortgage payments are a killer, any help would be great, a luxury even."

Mandy chuckled, "Yes and for me, I'd have the luxury of having a sexy creature around to play with anytime I want."

"Now I didn't say Henry could move in with us." Nick said wryly and then shielded his face from a flying blueberry then he continued, "I also want you to cash those cheques."

Her face grew dark with indignation, "I don't want your money."

"I know, but I want you to have the money. I know you've been working overtime to save for maternity leave, darlin' but you can't keep doing that and that's another reason I want you to move in. You need to look after yourself and I want the honour of looking after both of you."

Mandy's face scrunched up at the mere idea. "I always knew you were old fashioned, Stokes. You want me barefoot and pregnant, right?"

Knowing how sexist he just sounded, Nick defended himself, "Well, that's not what I mean, but if you want, you can be naked and pregnant and I'd have easy access 24/7." He winked at her and then shielded himself as she stood up, walked over and playfully punched his shoulder. Nick then pulled her into his lap and they engaged in a deep kiss.

Mandy smiled down at him, warmly, "I'm glad your back on the scene, Stokes, I really am."

"So am I." Nick said firmly and every iota of his being meant it.

"To change poopy diapers and risk walking into work with spit up on your shirt?" Mandy asked gleefully.

"Sure, why not? I'll do everything but breast feed him, since I don't think I have the right tools for that job." Nick laughed and watched as she rolled her eyes.

"Then I guess I'm moving into your house." Mandy announced excitedly squeezing his neck. "I'll send my landlord the notice and call my fellow lab rats to help pack up."

"You sure you don't want to take the next step and make this a permanent option?" Nick asked sincerely, "I mean. I gotta make an honest woman out of you."

Mandy turned away for a moment and then answered, "I'm just overwhelmed by this 180 you've done, Nick."

"I understand." He said, disappointed.

"So just give me some time to get used to it."

"And the stuff I told you yesterday doesn't change your perspective of me?" Nick asked.

Mandy shook her head firmly, "Never."

"I don't want you saying yes because you feel sorry for me."

"I feel bad for you, but I don't feel and ever will feel any pity for you because you're a survivor, Nick, and I want our son to have the honour of knowing someone as strong willed as you."

A smile broke out on Nick's face as he said, "I like how that sounds…_our _son."

Grinning, Mandy nodded, "He is_ our_ son."

"And I like the name, Zachariah."

Mandy stared at him intensely, "I think his second name should be Nicholas."

Nick gaped as his heart swelled at her declaration, "You really, really mean that?"

"I do indeed."

"Zachariah Nicholas…" He paused. What last name would she give his son? He hoped it would be his.

"Stokes?" Mandy answered as if she heard him say it out loud.

"If you're okay with that." Nick said, feeling pride grow in him, "You're okay with giving him my last name?"

"Absolutely, he's your son."

Nick turned away swallowing a forming lump and making sure tears weren't about to slide out. Damn, why did he have to be so emotional? He felt her lips press gently into his forehead as her arms entwined around his neck.

He finally looked back up at her, and managed to choke out, "You're an awesome woman, Webster, to just let me back into your life and be so forgiving of me. I don't deserve you."

"Oh yeah you do, you need me because I keep you grounded with all the ladies fawning over your good looks. I remind you you're still a human who reads on the toilet like everyone else."

"Just don't share that with anyone." Nick mumbled, irritatingly embarrassed.

"Never." Mandy promised him. "It's no big deal, Wendy told me Hodges does it all the time."

"Okay, that's more info about Hodges than I needed to hear."

Mandy laughed and then kissed him before whispering in a husky tone that send shivers down his spine, "I should warn you given my hormonal surge, I might pounce on you as soon as you enter the house."

"Oh it's a hardship I'm willing to deal with." Nick said mockingly.

Her eyes were growing hazy as she whispered, "Like right now..."

Nick lifted her off the chair and they made a hasty retreat to her bedroom.

xxXXxx

They decided to begin the moving process. Wendy, Hodges and Henry all came over to help Mandy pick her things.

While Nick wrapped dishes into tissues, he overhead Wendy chatting to Mandy and then a squeal.

"Oh my God...where did you get this?" Mandy cried.

"Oh just a little shop at the mall." Wendy explained.

Curious as to the gleeful Nick walked out to the living room and stopped short at the site of Wendy holding a sheer, black lacey nighty with matching thong.

Wendy looked over at Nick and smiled, "Pregnancy lingerie…"

Mandy grinned, "This is gorgeous!" She laid it on the table and hugged Wendy, "Thank you!"

"Oh I just thought I'd make your first night living together more memorable." Wendy said with a toothy, knowing grin.

Henry was packing some books, while Hodges undid the desk top computer, both men gaged Nick's reaction.

Nick felt the blood rush to his cheeks and he walked over to take a look at the flimsy material. It certainly wouldn't leave much to the imagination.

"Well? What do you think?" Mandy asked.

"What do I think?" Nick asked as he admired the sheer nighty, "Well, I didn't need one of these to get you pregnant, did I?"

Laughter erupted as Mandy turned several shades of red and quickly shoved the item in question back into its gift bag.

His phone beeped and reluctantly he stood up, searched for it and found it on the end table near a Tiffany lamp.

It was a message from Julia.

_I found something very, very interesting on Matt Taylor's lap top._

Nick's heart sank. He knew what it was.

"Hey, I didn't expect you to come in right away."

Julia was surprised to see him walk in and pull a chair up beside her.

"No, it's okay." Nick had explained to Mandy why he felt he needed to go in after the message and was relieved she understood.

She studied him, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great and I..." Nick had a gut instinct about Julia and knew she could keep a secret. "I found out I'm going to be a dad. That's why I was off. I just needed to settle things with mom."

Her face lit up. "That's great news!"

"Just keep it on the down low." Nick found the words 'dad' and 'mom' still alien on his tongue, but it would be habit in no time.

"Oh for sure, but you will let everyone know because we'll all have to go shopping."

"Absolutely."

Julia then clicked on what she found. As Nick suspected, it was Brenda Cane molesting Matthew Taylor.

"I knew it."

"How?" Julia asked as she clicked if off.

"A hunch. I bet he downloaded that video after he saw Brenda on the news, then proceeded to kill himself."

"Wow," Julia said sadly, "Can you imagine what it's like to walk around knowing thousands of people have watched you being assaulted? It's bad enough it was done in the first place but to know there're pervs jacking off to this video can be really…"

With each work, Nick felt the stirrings of rage and panic in him and he finished the sentence with, "Humiliating."

He stood up and said, "And that's why Brenda Cane is going down."

Julia's green eyes glared at him, "You know what, Stokes, you need to remember you have other files here that are just sitting on your desk waiting to be cleared and I've been the one to do them. You're the junior guy in this department and I've been covering for you, but enough. Brenda Cane is not the only pervert we're after, there're millions of them, and there are children waiting to be rescued."

"Yeah, that's like finding a needle in the haystack. Some of these kids don't even live here."

"Doesn't mean we shouldn't be worried about them." Maggie chirped from behind the cubicle.

"I'm not saying that." Nick insisted feeling attacked by a heard of angry chickens.

"Stokes!"

He turned and saw Gillespie standing there with his arms folded, "I need to see you in my office."

Julia and Maggie's heads ducked behind their desks and Nick walked the path of shame to Gillespie's office and closed the door behind him.

"Have a seat." Gillespie said as he sat on the edge of his desk.

Nick listened and readied himself to be berated.

"I know it hasn't been an easy transition for you, but slacking off is not the answer."

"I haven't been. I just..."

"You keep going back to the other side, Nick."

"I've had some personal issues..."

"I know about Mandy Webster, word got around pretty fast, so… but that has nothing to do with your job and Julia's right, Brenda Cane is not the only one and I would like some insight from as to why you are so hell bent on getting this woman when we have many of them to catch. I can't let Julia take the slack anymore, Nick. You either get with the program or I'll have to ask Ecklie to take you back, maybe that's what you really want and you don't want to admit it."

Nick wanted to say yes, but couldn't because he'd never quit at anything, but if he had to admit it (and man it was hard to admit this to himself) the job was truly taking a deep toll on his psyche.

There were moments where images would randomly pop into his head. Images of children being violated in cruel and awful ways, sexual acts performed on them. Their pure innocence lost because of some sick bastard's insatiable need to be satisfied. Impulses that couldn't be controlled awoke in him.

Hell, even when he made love to Mandy earlier today, intrusive thoughts popped into his head, but he chased them away without any hesitation. However, any longer in this position and the images would take over.

"Nick, are you still with me here?"

Shaking his head, Nick answered gruffly, "Yeah, and you're right. I've been a flake about all this."

"Oh I wouldn't go so far as to say that," Gillespie answered, "You have done very, very well. I'd hate to lose you but if you want to go back to your old job, I'll just put in the word with Ecklie."

"You know," Nick leaned in the chair, "I would, but I'd like to finish this case with the Ben Seabird website."

"And you're sure Cane is behind it?"

"I'd say she's behind the murder of Maddison Conway as well."

"You go the evidence to prove that?"

"Well, I'm not on the case anymore, but Pavel Cane gave me the concrete proof of the transactions, he's agreed to be a witness."

"But the murder of Maddison…"

"…is in the hands of Sara Sidle." Nick answered. "And she'll share with us anything."

"Good...good...but Nick, in the meantime, the wheels are churning...you got other cases and I can't have Julia covering for you. You're lucky to have a colleague covering for you."

"I'll make it up to her."

"You will by doing your job." Gillespie said. "I'm almost done interviewing people for your position and when they're hired, you can go back."

"Wow," Nick said, "It will be different being back with my team."

"How so?"

"I mean. These images just stay with me. Benign things just take on a new meaning for me." Nick shrugged, "And their eyes haunt my sleep."

"I know this job has been a struggle for you, Nick." Gillespie said, "You seem to have a hard time detaching from the images. Why?"

"I've always had a problem detaching from cases, even in my old job."

"I usually see that in people who have been victims of crimes themselves which I know you have been with what happened in 2005, but still.."

Nick knew where Gillespie was heading, he knew he should never have taken the job, "Let's just say I have more knowledge of Brenda Cane than you're aware of, Paul."

Gillespie's eyes narrowed suspiciously for a moment and then he groaned and mumbled, "You know her, don't you?"

Swallowing, Nick looked down at his faded jeans and answered nervously,"More than I wished to know."

"She's from the same city as you, but I never figured. I should have figured." Gillespie spoke his thoughts aloud, "I should have put two and two together when Julia spoke with me and well."

"It happened a long time ago." Nick said hoping he wouldn't have to over the gory details once more as he did with Mandy which had

Gillespie took a deep breath, "Stokes, you should have said something when you took the job. I make it a policy to not hire anyone on my team who has been…assaulted."

"It's not something I share, and I'm not about to get into details. I was just a kid and she was my baby sitter."

"You cannot be on the Brenda Cane case anymore. I'll hand it to Julia and give her your cases."

"I'm finishing this case." Nick's mouth formed a tight line with steadfast determination. "I'm finishing it whether you like it or not."

"You're being on this case is a conflict of interest." Gillespie pointed out, tapping the desk.

"I never had her charged, I never told anyone until I was in my late 20's."

"You never told your parents."

Nick sat uneasily in the chair, "No."

"Why?"

"You know why?"

"You never tried."

_Dad never turned any of the kids away when they wanted to talk to him in his study, as long as the door was open. When it was closed, no one dared to bother him, unless he asked them to work on a case with him._

_The door was open and he was at his desk, smoking a cigar. The pungent smell filled the room as Nick leaned against the door frame shuffling his foot against the corner._

_It had been two days since IT had happened._

"_Can I help you with anything, son?" His father looked up over his glasses._

"_I...just…wanted to talk to you..." Nick stared down at the carpet._

"_Is everything okay?"His father looked downright cross at him._

_Nick lost his nerves and simply smacked his fist into his baseball glove. "Sorry dad, it's nothing important." _

_He raced out of the room, hearing his dad call him. He'd stay away from him all summer._

"I couldn't bring myself to do it." Nick said.

"You're the little boy…Nicky on the video tape, aren't you?" Gillespie asked, his eyes wide with shock.

"Yeah that's me on there. My very own sex tape at the age of nine." Nick said trying to make a joke about it.

Gillespie wasn't laughing. "How long have you known it was you on that tape?"

"A couple of months."

"You should have said something sooner."

"Yeah, right." Nick said, "I didn't even know there was a tape. I don't remember the video camera being on. I just remember her getting out of my bed and I just laid there unsure of what to do next."

"Nick," Gillespie blew out a breath, "I can't have you on this case anymore as of right now. I can't have you near it."

"Grissom let me work a case of a daughter whose father abducted me."

"I'm not Grissom. I have very strict rules about this. Hand the file to Julia and take on another case."

"I owe it to the other victims." Nick said firmly.

"You don't owe anyone anything."

"If I had gone to the police when I was nine, she'd be in jail."

"You cannot be serious!" Gillespie was incredulous, "You are holding yourself accountable for actions of a nine year old child because that's what you were, Nick, a nine year old little boy who was molested by his babysitter." He spit the last sentence out with such force Nick winced. "You owe nothing to anyone."

"She'd be in jail."

"Not likely, Stokes, this was at a time where all these people got were slaps on the wrists. It's taken years to get decent penalties, and they're still not that decent."

"My parents were lawyers."

"So? That wouldn't have changed anything, Nick."

A tense pause filled the air as each man weighed their words.

Finally, Gillespie spoke, "Okay, I'm going to bend the rules for you in this case, but I'm going to work with you on the case for my own peace of mind knowing this is justice, not revenge."

Relieved Nick nodded, "I can work with that."

"You'll have no choice in this."

Nick heard his phone beep and he pulled it out.

It was from Sara.

_Wendy just ran a comparison against DNA from a hair strand in the car's back seat and a swab from Sheila Cane, the hair strand has seven alleles with her DNA, and is a match with the blanket used to wrap Maddison._

"Anything interesting?" Gillespie looked at him.

"Sara analyzed the backseat again for any evidence. It was vacuumed pretty clean. There was blood that was matched to Maddison Conway, but there was a hair strand but it doesn't match either the victim but has seven alleles in common with Sheila." Nick announced triumphantly.

"Well she was in the car but was she in the car when Maddison was murdered?"

"I guess we have to find out?" Nick said hating how Gillespie had to play a Grissom on him that moment.

"Well, since we have enough information to bring Mrs. Cane in on child porn charges, we can get a swab or confession then." Gillespie said, "I'll bring this to the DA and we can go from there, either way Nick, you're going to get justice for what was done to you years ago."

Relief swept over Nick like cold water and the deep, entrenched ache that had lived in the vault of painful memories eased, slightly.

There would be no escaping the past, but at this point any justice against his attacker was better than no justice.


	13. Chapter 13

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 13

**_A/N: I'm going to finish the story._**

"You have enough evidence to arrest Brenda Cane for child porn, but I'm not sure about the Maddison Conway case, her lawyer could argue she used the car from time to time."

Maddie Klein sat in Gillespie's office along with Sara, Nick, Brass and Catherine. Her office was in a bit of a disarray due to a huge case pending, one prior to the Maddie Conway case which in her opinion was a slam dunk. So she wasn't too thrilled to have to deal with new evidence to stick a fork in her plans.

She was long over due for a holiday was the words she spewed at the team when they filed into her office.

Sara simply raised her eyebrow and Nick folded his arms defiantly. Neither were going to back down.

"Nick has evidence linking her to child porn, can't we bring her just for that?" Sara insisted. "I mean, isn't that enough?"

"I agree, it's a start, but she could make bail while the trial awaits. A hair in the car could mean anything. And why has Sheila been covering for her all thes months." Maddie looked exasperated as she leaned back into the leather chair wiping a hair off her face. "A defense lawyer could make a good argument that the car was used by all members of the family and not just Ben or Sheila."

Brass grumbled, "I wish I hadn't called Maddie Conway's mother to tell her we had a break."

"No, you shouldn't have?" Sara groaned.

"I need something more concrete than this to go to get a warrant." Maddie sauntered off mumbling something about Grissom would never have bothered her about such trivialities.

"Well this sucks." Sara griped.

"Are you sure, Sheila wasn't there?" Catherine asked leaning against the desk.

"We have no evidence of her ever being in the car."

"Well, she confessed to it." Brass said.

"But why would she confess to something of the sorts."

Nick's mind ticked away. There was a video that stuck out in his mind for a moment. One that had shocked him to no end after he thought he'd been shocked to the extreme by hours of watching other videos.

However, Sara was impressed with the idea when he relayed it to her and agreed to set up a meeting.

XxXXxx

It was a horrible ploy Sarah and Nick planned for Sheila Cane, but the first interview after the DNA analysis went nowhere.

Sarah, with DVD in hand, walked into the room where a now bony Sheila Cane sat, her blonde tied in a messay bun, her face thin and weathered from five months in a jail cell, a cell where there was a good chance she didn't belong. Her hands were wringing together nervously.

Nick followed along and stood behind Sara and Brass who took a seat at the table. The room was lit brightly by the lights overhead as he rubbed the back of his neck. It had been a all nighter while the team played their next trump card.

Brass had thought the idea was brilliant, but Nick was having second thoughts knowing he was about to inflict some horrible pain on another person.

"_Hey Julia you told me you found something on Matt's lap top."_

"_Yeah, something you wanna see."_

"_Let me guess, Brenda Cane molesting him."_

"_Oh, there's more than that." Julia's green eyes blazed with fury, "Take a look at this."_

_Nick pulled up a chair and sat down while she clicked play. Within seconds all the pieces of the puzzle fell together._

"_That's Matt Taylor, but who is she?" Julia asked, "She looks so young."_

_Nick felt his jaw tighten and his guts churn at the sight before him. _

_He declared. "I know who she is."_

Nick followed Sarah and together they sat down across from Sheila whose arms were folded defiantly. Her laywer, Mr. Greenspawn sat nervously. He looked like he had visited one of the guys from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy in his new digs, but he still looked like a grease ball as he read the file and leaned over to whisper some assuring words to his nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof client.

"Hello Sheila." Sara said, "You remember Nick Stokes, don't you?"

The girl eyed him hostilly, "Isn't he supposed to be off my case."

"Well he's not entirely off the case." Sara answered bemused, "He's working for the Child Exploitation Team and has brought some video we thought you'd want to see."

Sara flipped opened the lap top and slipped the DVD in.

A Windows video player popped up and immediately started to play the first video.

Sheila's eyes widened as she recognized the opening scene and like he was, he was lost in the not only what was on the screen, but the memory connected to it.

Nick watched her carefully and watched the hard demeanor crumble like a poorly brick-layered wall. Sheila's full lips quievered, her eyes teared, and her body started to tremble.

NO one said a word. Nick folded his arms and sighed as the next video came on.

Brenda Cane's voice rang out, harshly giving directions to two children to engage in lewd, crude acts. Cries of "no" and "please" rang from the TV

And from Sheila, her hands clasped over her face as sobs rang out.

"C'mon Matthew, just do it!" Brenda ordered. "C'mon Sheila!"

"I don't..don't want..to..please..Mrs. Cane." Matthew Taylor's voice rang out.

"OKAY THAT IS ENOUGH!" shouted Mr. Greenspawn, his face pale.

Nick clicked the video off and watched as Sheila sobbed into her hands, deep racking sobs that shook her dimunitive frame. Her lawyer wrapped an arm around and her and soothed while Sara and Nick waited.

Greenspawn turned to them, his face now seething with rage, "What the hell are you both doing! Are you sick or something, do you guys get off on watching that shit."

Nick exploded, "You fucking think I enjoy watching this shit! I watch it six days a week, 12 hours a day. I watch perverts like her mother attacking kids!" He pointed at the screen as his jaws clenched angrily.

"That's enough Nick!" Sara ordered, her eyes blazed with fury.

The lawyer paled, "That's her mother?" He turned to Sheila, "Sheila, this is your mother, she did these things."

"Oh a hell of lot more than that." Nick answered for her.

"What do you mean?"

Nick took a deep breathe, the next clip was the worst. He clicked it.

Brenda's voice, "Come on Sheila, just do what I tell you?"

The little boy was crying while a young girl's voice answered, "I don't want to, mommy, please don't make me."

Sheila jumped up abruplty, the chair kareening into the corner as she screeched and clasped her hands over her ears and charged over and to the corner, dropped to her knees and huddled into it. Sara hastily turned off the video and explained to a horrified Mr. Greenspawn.

"Your client was forced to molest a child when she was only 12, we figure from what we see."

"So what does this have to do with the murder of Maddie Conway."

"Your client wasn't even in the car that day." Nick said calmly.

"I knew it. I kenw that wasn't her?" Greenspawn gaped, "That's what we were going on." He looked confused.

"No, it wasn't her." Nick said, "Your client knows about the murder, but we have a growing mountain of evidence she had nothing to do with it, but has chosen to cover for her mother who we believe was there that day."

Greespawn blew out a heavy breathe, "I don't understand why she's saying she was there."

"We have reason to believe Brenda Cane has been making, distrubting child pornography and has been doing so for years. We have a collection of videos of her attacking children that date way back to 1980." Sara said.

Nick made a concerted effort to remain poker faced at the date.

Sara continued, "But what we really want is to bring her in on murder. Ben Seabird is not talking, but we don't need him, but we do need Sheila."

Greenspawn turned to a trembling Sheila still huddled in the corder, "Sheila why are you covering for your mother!"

Nick spoke up, "Because her mother knows she molested a child when she was 12 and was black mailing her."

"But that's not her fault." Greenspawn said, "If anything she is a victim herself."

Brass shrugged and agreed, "Absolutely."

Sheila's sobs filled the room. Nick watched in dismay as her lawyer went over to her and tried to reason with her to open up to them and explain what was going on and why in God's name she was willing to go to the death chamber for her sicko of a mother.

He wasn't getting anywhere.

Finally, Nick stood up, "Can I have a word alone with Sheila?"

The lawyer eyed him suspiciously and Nick said, "I can assure you her rights will be protected and if not I'm sure she'll tell you."

Sara eyed him confused as well as annoyed and Nick said, "I know what I'm doing, Sara please trust me."

The glare faded and she nodded in resignation, "Fine."

The lawyer reluctantly agreed and the two left the room.

Nick sat down beside the sobbing woman, "You know, when someone does that to you, you lose a piece of yourself."

She didn't answer. Nick simply sat cross-legged quietly before he said, "I guess seeing those images of yourself on screen made you realize what happened wasn't all some crazy nightmare right?"

Sniffling, the young woman cleared her throat and shifted around before settling into the corner, her eyes closed, "I hoped it was."

"It's not, though." Nick said, "But man it's bad enough it happened to begin with, but that some video of it is floating around in cyberspace for all kinds of sickos to watch only adds to the pain and misery of it all, right?"

Sheila opened her blue eyes and stared him, "How the hell would you know about man?"

_Because I'm living the same nightmare young lady._

But Nick just shrugged, "I guess I just met many, many victims and they all feel the same way as you do."

She studied his face and then turned away.

"So why are you covering for your mother. You were only a kid, you didn't know what to do? She forced you to do it."

"Because," Sheila mumbled, "Because I wasn't only a victim." Her face paled, "I..I.. was a molester."

"No, you were as much of a victim in that video as the little boy was." Nick told her and then went on to ask, "I bet you even forgot his name."

She shook her head, "Matt Taylor, but I blocked his name out until my mother showed me the video the day Maddie was murdered. She showed me the newspaper article."

"It's not your fault and you owe nothing to your mother." Nick told her, "You do, however, owe it to yourself and your father to explain why you're covering up the murder."

Maddie shook her head, "I just want to get away from her, forever and if that means dying by means of lethal injection, than so be it. I'd be rid of her once and for all."

Nick felt sick as he heard these words. This girl's mother was so bad she felt the only way she'd be rid of her was to allow herself to die.

Brenda Cane was so horrible that she caused almost three deaths in her rap.

"So you want to take the rap for something you didn't do. At 21 years of age, you just want to throw your life away for your piece of trash of a mother. A rapist."

"Yeah, anything to get rid of her, and to get rid of Ben. He's not my boyfriend, he's her boyfriend."

"Yeah, she likes them young." Nick scoffed.

"Oh yeah. She does. She likes this one video called "His First Time"

A pang rang through Nick but he forced himself to hear the details.

"She is so proud of that video, it was her first victim. Cute kid, I felt sorry for him. He looked as if he were fighting her. Not all of them fought her, some were so scared, some were so confused." Sheila said sadly, "He just looked downright angry, he even tried to bite her."

"_Don't touch me!" Nick turned his head to one of her hands on his shoulders and tried to snap at them. She slapped his face._

"And he was so confused scared. I don't remember the others."

"So you knew what she was doing?"

"Yeah, but at 14 I ran away and worked the streets, until I was about 17 and then got drug home by some cops." She looked at Nick wearily. "I was a slave to her for years. She blackmailed me with that video right up until the day of Maddie's disappearance."

"Where were you that day?" Nick asked.

"I stayed at my dad's cabin." She said and added "With my..boyfriend..James. I told him to keep his mouth shut that's why he wouldn't talk to the police. He visited me at the prison and begged me to let him tell the police about us and the cabin, but I told him to go away and never come back. I don't know where he is." Fresh tears spilled out of her eyes, "I came home the day they killed her and dumped her body. I found the video on the camera, it was my camera they used. I was going to take it back that day, but I saw the video. I confronted them and she blackmailed me once more. I didn't care at that point anymore, Mr. Stokes. I just decided to say I did it, because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't deal with them. I just wanted to die." Tears fell down her cheeks, "They used to rape me in the middle of the night. Over and over and over. I finally agreed to it."

Nick said to her, "Sheila, are you willing to testify what you know about Maddie's murder in court against your mother."

"As long as that video isn't used against me."

"You were a minor, you were forced into it. That's illegal." Nick said and then leaned over and grasped her shoulder,"Please testify against your mother. Do it for your father and do it for Maddie Conway. They deserve justice."

Wiping her nose, Sheila nodded, "I will but I want you to help get my dad out of jail, please."

"When I'm back on my foresnics team, Sheila, I will re-open his case and work on it." Nick promised. "I assure you, you two will be re-united."

Tears strolled down her cheeks and then she asked, "What about my mother."

"We'll put you in protective custody."

"And Ben Seabird?"

Nick stood up and helped her to her feet, "I think it's time you told Sara Sidle all of that."

She nodded, "I will." She stood up and took a deep breathe, "I'm ready."

Nick smiled and opened the door and watched Sara, Brass and Greenspawn file in.

"Call the DA." Nick instructed Brass. "I think she's ready to procede."

Sheila took a seat and announced, "I'm going to tell you everything I know about the day Maddie Conway was killed and why I'm covering for my mother."

Sara smiled and said, "I'm glad to hear it."

Brass nodded, "I'll call the DA."

xxXXxx

Catherine took a seat beside Nick as he sat outside the room where Sheila gave the full story of Maddie's disappearance with her lawyer sitting beside her, Brass, Sara and Maddie Klein who rushed out of a pedicure eager to get the details.

Nick chose to wait outside and listen on the speaker as his role was completed and given he was no longer a CSI, his presence was not necessary.

"Vartann found Sheila's boyfriend and he confirmed that they were together the day Maddie was murdered. He's on his way over to sign an affidavit, he's got the lap top to prove she was Facebook the day Maddie disappeared. He's been very eager to step forward."

"Good." Nick said blankly.

"I hope this at least brings you some closure." Catherine said softly.

"Strangely," Nick said, "It doesn't. In fact, I feel quite guilty right now."

"About what?" Catherine asked startled by the words.

"Had I said something at the time, Brenda would have never moved on." Nick said, "Maybe she would have gotten help or something."

"You were only a child." Catherine said, "And more than likely she wouldn't have stopped at you. Look at that case with Jaycee Dugard in California, she could have stepped forward but was in some sort of mental prison because of him. Once a child molester, always a child molester and it's not just the act they commit against the child, but the mental scars they leave."

"Yeah. I know all about that." Nick shrugged.

"I think you've got on very well all things considered." Catherine told him.

Tears welled in Nick's eyes, "And no matter what happens today, it's not going to bring Matt Taylor or Maddison back."

"But someone will serve time." Catherine declared, "And that's all we can do at this point." She turned to him "Go home to your new family Nick."

"When this is done." Nick said, "And when I get back on the team, I want to open up her father's case and clear his name."

"Go for it." Catherine said.

Finally after an hour, it was over. Sheila looked exhausted and Maddie leaned over and said she would head over to court to have the charges dropped and for her to go into protective custody until Brenda Cane was arrested.

As Brass walked out he gave orders to have uniforms ready to bring Brenda in.

He looked at Nick, "I called Gillespie if you want to meet him over there."

"Yeah, I will." Nick said with a smile then noticed a look of concern from Catherine.

"Now I feel at peace." He told her.


	14. Chapter 14

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 14

**a/n: Thank you to everyone who took time to read this story.**

The sun was rising, the cicadas sang and the humidity was setting in on the neighbourhood where most of its residents were still sleeping, or just waking up to start a brand new day.

Cars pulled up and doors slammed as law enforcement staff from CETS, CSI and LVPD stealthily made their way up to the house of horrors, house of death, and a house of evil.

Brenda Cane was going to be arrested.

It was a sweet, bittersweet victory for Nick who stayed in the background behind a willow tree, wearing a CSI vest and a baseball cap.

The French doors opened in the twilight and a shocked Brenda stood there in a red silk robe, her blonde hair cascading down one side of her diminutive shoulder.

"Brenda Cane, you're under arrest for the murder of Maddison Conway. Hands on your head!" He ordered gruffly! Brass commanded with an almost gleeful tone. The kind saved for when child killers were caught. There was nothing more satisfying to the captain.

Nick pulled his baseball hat as far over his eyes as possible and stood behind Julia and Gillespie and watched as Brenda obeyed Brass's orders and clasped her hands behind while a female officer whipped her around, pulled one arm down, handcuffed, the other arm soon meeting the same fate.

So far, he'd gone undetected but as she walked by for some unknown reason, Nick looked up at the same time she did and she noticed him.

And she smiled and said, "Hello Nicky."

Julia mumbled, "What the fuck!"

Gillespie turned around and before he could say anything, Nick spoke, "I think it's best that I let you two take over from here."

"Why?" Julia asked annoyed thinking he was bailing out again, but also concerned to a point where she asked, "How does she know you?"

Nick flicked his eyes to Gillespie who nodded in agreement and then answered Julia, "She just does."

XxXXxx

His knuckles gripped the steering wheel as he drove back to the station. He knew there was not much more he could do but he could at leas watch the interrogation process.

Sniffing at the scent of odour resulting from two days sans shower, Nick rubbed a sore spot on his back and then on his shoulder near the wound from when he was shot. Every so often, it ached particularly when rain was about to occur.

"Go home Nick." Catherine ordered as she filed into the room with Brass in tow.

"No, I'll stay here." He leaned on a table with a defiant stare.

Catherine blew out a breath in frustration arms folded over a form fitting black t-shirt. Hair strands dangling around her blood-shot circled eyes. "Outside the room!"

"I know." He held up his hands in defeat.

Catherine smiled, "With the speaker on, of course?" and flashed a knowing wink at him.

Brass began with his usual sarcasm, "Ms. Cane, you've created quite the empire with your kiddie porn business." He pet the files provided by Pavel Cane and then motioned to another pile. "A few weeks ago our Child Exploitation Team busted in on a guy trying to rape his own daughter. He confessed you offered him a couple of grand, do you know this guy?"

Brenda said nothing.

"We have the proof here and even more so."

She was silent.

"Ms. Cane, you're on old pro at this. I mean we have a video of you raping some kid in Texas that's dated back to 1980."

Nick flinched and noticed Catherine did too.

Oh great, now Brass has probably seen it.

_But then he may not have and was using this info against her._

She answered haughtily and folded her thin arms over a thin body, "I know of no such video."

Brass laughed, "Good God, it's you, anyone can see it?"

Her mouth tightened for a moment.

"Was he the first victim?" Gillespie asked.

Nick felt a jolt and stiffened very muscle in him to maintain composure.

She nodded and swallowed, "His name was.."

Nick let a small moan escape.

Catherine jumped in, "It doesn't matter who he was given the statue of limitations has long past due." She glared at Brass who was confused and then reluctantly agreed.

_Thank you Catherine! _

Looking up at some unknown deity, ick blew out a sigh of relief.

"Unfortunately for that guy." Brass said as he continued, "But you never killed any of those kids, why?"

_Yes why?_ It had never dawned on Nick that she never did. He leaned closer to the speaker.

"I didn't kill Maddison Conway." Brenda said. " I wasn't even there."

"Your daughter would say otherwise."

Brenda laughed, "My stupid, dimwitted daughter! What would she know."

"A lot." Catherine said, "A lot more than you think. She was also one of your victims."

"That was all her doing."

"She was a child!" Catherine snapped, "Good God children are not capable of encouraging sexual behaviour from adults. That is all their doing."

A giggle escaped Brenda's lips, "Oh you think so. You haven't studied Freud who declared that many acts of children are sexual even thumb sucking."

"Oh I've studied him." Catherine countered, "And I've also studied other researchers who dismissed his theories."

"He was a bona fide genius." Brenda said haughtily.

"Whose work has been refuted in the areas of child sexuality!" Catherine coutnered.

"Okay, let's get back to the evidence." Brass said, "We have eyewitness testimony that you were not in the car that day. That you picked up Maddison Conway after school, who went willingly with you because your little boy toy, Ben Seabird was her mother's drug dealer and they both knew you well."

"It was my daughter."

"Your daughter wasn't even in town that day."

Nick text messaged Catherine, who looked down at her cell phone, and surreptitiously told Brass she'd be right back.

"What?"

"You know that was a good point, she never killed any of.." Nick struggled with the next word, "Us.."

Catherine shrugged, "She was there, that's enough to put her away."

"Yeah I guess, but she could point to him and he could point to her." Nick was worried.

"Okay, I see your point." Catherine sighed with a reluctant nod, "How would you feel about working on a deal."

Nick looked around with his arms folded, "It doesn't matter how I feel, it's about solving the case of a murdered little girl."

A pained look cross Catherine's face as she wavered, "I was hoping in some small way, I'd find justice for you too." She placed a hand on his shoulder, "It's not too late Nick and we can find a way to keep your name out of it."

"Catherine," Nick smiled at her warmly, "I've done okay in spite of it. I've managed."

"Have you?" she asked, "I mean look how you reacted to Mandy's pregnancy. Yes you've done the right thing since then, but this will come again. I can assure you and you know I'm right. Just like the time after Clark's death."

Nick winced at the memory, it was painful to remember he was denied access to the funeral because the family felt he was responsible for his death.

"I think its too late Catherine, I'm sure it's about 10 years here you get to report a sexual abuse." Nick looked at he and said, "Listen, I'll go back to the therapist and talk with him about it."

"You promise." Catherine was skeptical with good reason to be.

"I promise." Nick assured her.

"If not for me, but for your child."

"I know." He smiled sadly and watched as she went back into the room.

Through the speaker, her heard Catherine say, "Perhaps you didn't kill those children because you couldn't do it. As a woman you just held to your basic instinct."

"I'm not the motherly type." Brenda said.

"No, I don't think you are, but you also needed to look out for yourself and kidnapping and raping a child so you can put it on the web is quite the profit-making business. I guess with the proliferation of porn sites you were looking to square your place in the market."

Brenda nodded, "It's not like years ago when I started. It's exploded and I had to keep finding ways to keep my viewers."

"So you kidnapped this little girl."

"We were going to let her go." Brenda blurted out and then realized what she'd done. "It was Ben. I shut the video off. I tried to stop him, but it was too late. He had worn the belt while he, and then she was gone. He was too strong for me." She said all this so matter-of-factly as if she were washing the dishes.

Brass leaned over and said, "Okay, if you agree to testify against Ben Seabird, we can speak to the DA and drop the death penalty and sentence you to life."

Tears slid down her cheeks and she slowly nodded and said, "Okay."

At that point, Nick made a retreat. His job was done. Brenda was going to jail, but there was one more thing to do.

XxXXxx

Catherine arranged for the guard to leave his post.

Nick walked up to the cell where Brenda sat in an orange suit, her hair done up in a ponytail.

The years had caught up with her. She looked haunted and angry. Lines formed around her face gave the appearance of someone far older than she.

Her eyes blazed in shock when she saw him walk up to the bars.

"You remember me?" Nick asked, feeling a fear surge in him. Sure he was a man now, but there was a little kid inside him still scared to death.

"How could I forget those brown eyes." She said in a voice used by those who fondly remember those from the past. Her warm voice didn't match the coldness of her blue eyes.

Nick wanted to punch her and he had never wanted to punch a woman until now.

"I was only nine years old." Nick said, "How could you do that to me?"

"You wanted it?"

"I wanted it."

She sighed, "I was young and I was curious and you were there."

"Yeah, well, I didn't want it." Nick said. "I didn't want any of it. You forced me."

"Are you sure?" She said with a smile.

"Yeah. I was nine." Nick answered incredulously. "I didn't have the emotional or intellectual capacity at that time to know better."

"But you were curious weren't you."

"I was nine." Nick said like a broken record.

"Weren't you curious about sex?"

Nick shook his head in disgust, "I didn't even know what it was? I didn't know about it until I was older. My parents never discussed that stuff with me, but I sure and hell found out what it was the hard way and I knew what you did to me was wrong?"

She shrugged. "Well I knew someone had to teach you about the birds and the bees."

His nostrils flared, his chin locked as he growled, "Not like that." Nick was fighting a deep-seated rage that lay dormant like a volcano for years, and was trying like to hell to control it. "That..that was not about sex, it was about power and control, which you had over me because you were sixteen and I was only nine years old. Nine! You took advantage of a child, Brenda! That is sick. You even did the same thing to your own child. You are depraved individual who is finally, going to jail!"

She said nothing, just looked at him with icy blue eyes.

"So I guess I'm just saying you didn't win." Nick said, "Not then, not now and not ever!"

He realized he didn't have much else to say to her and abruptly turned away from her and made his way out of the holding when he heard her yell.

"You were my favourite, Nicky." She said in a giddy, motherly voice.

Nick swallowed bile that threatened to spew and he was about to turn back when he heard Catherine called sternly, "Nick let's go."

She was holding the door open and had caught the last words.

"You were the sweetest one of all."

Nick placed his hands over his ears.

"And you obviously approved of what I did tacitly, or else you would have said something to your parents. It's too bad you didn't or else Maddison Conway might be still alive.."

Her words cut through like a machete, and he turned back and snarled, "Go fuck yourself!"

"Nick!" Catherine called to him, "Come on! She's not worth your time."

Nick stormed out hearing Brenda repeating her last words and by the time he reached the bench outside of the station, he was almost heaving with rage, anger and pain. He placed his face in his palms and took deep breaths.

The bench shifted a bit as Catherine sat beside and rubbed his back soothingly.

Finally he sat up and rasped, "She's right. I should have said something. Maddison and Matthew would still be alive."

He looked at Catherine who looked at him ruefully.

"No, Nick. She would have served little jail time and been lost in the system." She said softly. "There were very penalties for people like her, in 1980."

Logically, Nick knew she was right, but emotionally he still couldn't comprehend it.

"After it was over, Catherine, I just wanted to forget about it and move on. I just wanted to pretend it never happened." He said feeling a dreary weight settle on him. "I wanted to everything to be normal again."

With a heavy sigh, she said, "I read a study recently about boys who are molested by women and babysitters were listed as the most likely to commit assaults against young boys in their care."

"Yeah I can attest to that." Nick rubbed his hands along his worn jeans.

"The study also claimed that male victims of female pedophiles were least likely to report it."

Nick leaned back, "It doesn't make me feel better to know I'm part of some statistic."

"No," Catherine agreed, "I just wanted to assure you that your reaction was very normal. It was normal to want to keep it a secret."

"Yeah, normal reaction to a very abnormal situation given my assault is all over the internet for everyone to see."

Catherine was silent for a moment, "Nick, you can't let this cloud your existence as a person. Allowing this to consume you will ruin your future and now with this baby, well, Nick there is so much more to you than this piece of trash on the net."

"I know." He said flatly, as the weight of the undeniable truth settled in. Sadly, the video would never, ever go away. it was on the net forever. It was a part of the World Wide Web for other sickos and perverts to look at

He would deal with it. As all other victims have. He'd go on with his life as best as he could. He wasn't the little boy in the video any longer, he was a grown man, and about to be a father and he'd have to just move on with it.

She squeezed his shoulder and said, "Go home Nick. Go home to your family." She emphasized the word family.

"Thanks Catherine." Nick smiled bitterly, biting back tears.

XxXXxx

The house was dark when he walked in, closed the door and set the alarm and checked around. He felt a need to ensure all was safe.

A delicious whiff caught his nostrils. Nick followed into the kitchen and flipped on the light. A note was on the table.

Dinner is in the oven. I made lasagna. There's garlic bread and Caesar salad in the fridge. I've gone to bed. Hope everything is okay. Love you. Mandy.

Nick set the note down and sighed. He really didn't feel like eating and simply wanted a beer, but he hadnt' had a chance to run and pick some up. He opened the door to grab a water when he noticed a six pack in there. He grinned.

"I love that girl!" Nick said as he pulled one out of the plastic and popped the lid.

"And I love you."

He turned around and saw her standing there in a black silk robe. Her belly looking as round as a basketball and poking through the opening giving him a view of the lingerie Wendy had given her.

Damn it, last night was supposed to be our first night together.

She didn't look upset, just happy to see him home as she stroked her belly.

Man, that is a sight to see. My kid is in there.

"Hey!" he took a sip and walked over, slipped an arm around her growing waist and pressed her to him, kissing her forehead.

"I had a romantic evening planned." She whispered, "But I heard through Wendy what was going on and then watched the news, so I figured you wouldn't be in any great mood."

"No." Nick agreed feeling relieved she understood.. "I wasn't, but I came home, found dinner in the oven, beer in the fridge and so I feel a lot better now."

"Good."

"How was your first night here?" Nick felt guilty given he had spent the last two days at the Lab.

"Good." Mandy grinned. "Your bed is so much more comfortable. I love the pillow top mattress."

"Glad to hear it. You liked the gift I left you."

She grinned gleefully.

"That contoured body pillow was perfect. I went to bed and felt as if I were sleeping on a cloud." She entwined her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply on the lips and whispered, "You, sir, are the most sensitive guy."

"I try to be." Nick brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "I'm pretty lucky to have you and I want to make sure you know I feel like that every day."

Mandy grinned, "Oh I know that for sure.

Then she flipped opened the black lap top resting on the table and said coyly, "I've got a surprise for you."

"Really." Nick said feeling tired that he was wondering if it would be rude to ask if he could watch it in the morning.

"Yes. I had an appointment for my ultrasound." Mandy said as she motioned for him to have a seat.

"Oh man." Nick groaned. "I'm sorry I forgot."

"No, it's okay." Mandy assured him. "I have it covered." She slid a DVD into the player and Windows Media Player popped open.

"Oh." Nick sat down and slipped in and watched in awe as the most incredible vision appeared before him.

A brownish, gold backdrop detailed a beautiful site. His son with a scrunched up face, eyes sealed shut, mouth pursed while opening and closing.

Nick gingerly pulled the screen closer and for second remembered another time several months ago when another video had tore his soul apart when more horrid images held him transfixed.

He was transfixed once more, but for a different and more beautiful reason. He rested his chin in a hand and simply watched.

So lost in the image was he, that he was jarred by a cool wetness on his cheek. Upon touching his face, he realized it was tears.

"Hey, I didn't show you this to upset you." Mandy reached over to click it off, but Nick stopped her and looked up.

"Oh hell no." he cleared his throat, "This is not upsetting me. This is the best fucking thing that's happened to me in years."

She smiled and ran her finger tips through his hair, "So why the tears."

Taking a gulp of beer for bravado, Nick told her about his confrontation with Brenda Cane, the interrogation and meltdown of Sheila Cane and then finally what happened after he left the lab.

"This morning after I left the station. I went to see Warrick to break the news to him about everything that's been going on." Nick chewed his bottom lip, "I never told him. I couldn't tell him. I wished I had. I was afraid he'd be all fucking weird around me and I didn't want that, so I felt it best to just not say anything."

Mandy nodded, "I think that's understandable."

"But hell now, I wished he had been around." Nick took a deep breath, "He would have beat my ass if he knew I walked away from you guys."

"Nick, we've been over this. You're here now. It doesn't matter anymore." Mandy smiled crookedly, "I don't hold it against you and never will."

"I know that and I'm grateful." Nick returned with a small smile, but then continued, " and I also realize looking at this video that you guys only have me to protect you from harm."

Mandy knelt down, awkwardly and took his hands, "Nothing is going to happen to us, Nick, nothing."

"How do I know that?" Nick wiped his nose, "How do I know he's not going to go through some horrible ordeal."

"Because we all go through tragedies at some point." Mandy said, "How do I know you won't get shot again and this time you won't be as lucky then I have a child growing up without a father."

Nick didn't say anything, but the question added another layer of fear.

Mandy continued, "I don't think of those of things, that's how I deal with it. My father nearly died a few months ago and I decided then to live life to the fullest and not worry about tomorrow. You can't change the past Nick. That video is up and will make its way through the web, but you can't allow some digital images to run your life. Okay."

He nodded and agreed, "Okay."

"And yeah, Warrick would have beat your ass, although Wendy was ready to a few times." Mandy chuckled.

"And I'm sure she would have done a great job with those killer heels of hers." Nick said with a small laugh.

Mandy stood up and rubbed her back with a groan before saying with a chuff, "I think I should hit the sack."

"Yeah, me too. I'm wiped." Nick said, standing up and rubbing her shoulders from behind.

"Oh that feels great." Mandy sighed contently before laughing again.

"What's so funny?"

Mandy turned with a wry grin, "The technician asked me if Mr. Webster would be joining us."

Nick looked confused, "Your dad?"

She groaned in exasperation, "No silly, he meant you!"

Nick laughed, "Oh yeah?" Then he looked at her solemnly, "And how did you feel about that at the time?"

Mandy kissed him again and then held his face in her hands, "I liked the sound of that very, very much." She whispered into his ear, "However, I think I would love the sound of Mrs. Stokes even more."


	15. Chapter 15

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 15

I _wish that I could have loved you then_

_Before our age was through_

_And before a world war does with us whatever it will do_

_City With No Children-Arcade Fire_

_**A/N: Please excuse the grammar and spelling errors.**_

_Three months later.._

Nick sat on the bench in the courthouse staring at the shine on his shoes. His father had always nagged him to keep his good shoes nice and shiny, especially when he interned at the courthouse during his summer breaks while in college.

Blowing a deep breath, he sat up and checked his watch. Today he'd be testifying against the father they found in the hotel room with his daughter. Even though he was back with CSI, he still went to court for the cases he worked on.

It was the last case from CETS he'd be doing and then he would put that part of his life past him. He was so relieved.

He still had nightmares about the horrible images he'd seen. In fact, Nick still woke up in the night broken out in sweats and chills.

Unfortunately, daytime didn't seem to bring any relief. He'd mix the screams of kids laughing in the malls with the ones in his head who were screaming in terror.

Now today, he'd be testifying in case where the mother had been calling himself, Brass and Ecklie and screaming for the charges to be dropped-not a chance. She made all kinds of threats, but Nick didn't care. He focussed on his career and other positive things going on his life.

Nick tapped his shoes and looked around. Maddie Klein rushed by on her Blackberry texting away madly, giving him a brief smile as she stopped.

"I received your report about Pavel Cane and will get back to you later. I think you'll be pleased at the results."

Smilig, Nick said, "I think he'll be the one who is pleased."

Her phone beeped and she hissed, "Fucking moron, gotta go." She raced off, her high heels clicking the marble floors.

The Maddison Conway case was not due to start for another few months. Nick wouldn't be testifying at any part of it. He wanted to put the whole matter behind him and just move on. Sara would be doing the foresnics aspect of it while Julia and Gillespie would step in and take over.

Nick couldn't risk, as well, having Brenda Cane opening her big mouth about their history. His guts churned at the very thought.

Just then he heard. "Hey there!"

Nick looked up and to his minor dismay but more joy, Mandy walked towards him, or waddled in a black maternity dress with a white, collar. Her hair had grown longer and curlier.

She looked tired though, which caused a minor irritation with him.

"Mandy!" he stood up and looked down at her sternly, hands on his hips, "This is your day off and you're supposed to be in bed resting." He stared down, "Doctor's orders! You know, you're blood pressure."

She scrunched her face at him defiantly, "I was bored. I wanted to come here and support you."

"I'm fine." Nick insisted. "This all old hat for me."

"Really." She slumped into a seat and blew out a breath. "Is that why you wake up in the night crying out?"

Nick sighed, "Sorry."

Mandy took his hand and squeezed it, "No big deal, it actually works because then you hold me really close and I love it since normally you're flat on your back sawing logs."

"Well, at least someone is benefiting from it." Nick mumbled sardonically. "Maybe I should take Trazadone, Henry said it helps with nightmares."

"It's up to you." Mandy sighed, and grumbled. "Thank God flat shoes are in. Heels would kill me right now. My feet are so swollen, this baby is so low now and moving about."

Nick sat down beside her and checked his Blackberry for messages, "I don't care if heel are in, you're not allowed to wear them."

With a snort, Mandy retorted. "You're not going all cave man on me dude!"

"Yeah, actually I do when you got my kid there inside you." Nick chided.

"Oh no you wouldn't." Mandy pulled out her Blackberry and read it mumbling something about the moron student taking over her post.

"Oh yeah I would." Nick leaned over and whispered into her ear, "Mrs. Stokes."

She smiled back shyly and said, "I'd kick your ass, Mr. Stokes." She put a hand on her neck and felt the wedding band that no longer fit her swollen fingers so now it rested on a gold chain he'd bought her.

"I'd enjoy that very much." Nick looked down at his Blackberry feeling his face blush.

"Oh will you two lovebirds knock it off!"

Sara and Langston walked towards them. The brunette woman shaking her head, "Grissom and I weren't even this bad after we got married."

"What, we were talking." Nick looked up wearing an innocent look as Sara sat down beside Mandy.

Sara raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, talking." Then she petted Mandy's arm, "You look great."

Mandy snorted, "I feel bloated all the time and gassy."

"Yeah," Nick agreed grimacing, "You sure are."

"Well excuse me if this is the price I pay for being luggage for nine months." Mandy said.

"Well," Langston explained thoughtfully, "During pregnancy, the hormone progesterone softens and smoothes body tissues including the digestive tract. This slows down the digestive process so that more nutrients can be extracted from the food; a cause of constipation during pregnancy. Because the enzymes and bacteria have more time to break down the food in the digestive system, there is increased fermentation and more gas is produced leaving you flatulent, burping and bloated. Progesterone's effect on the digestive system is why many women feel bloated during their menstrual period. As your pregnancy progresses the uterus will compress the digestive tract, further slowing digestion, creating more gas and increasing the feeling of bloating and heartburn."

The good doctor smiled at his explanation and at the gaping stares.

Mandy ran a hand over her belly and then said, "So how about those Colts."

Nick snarked, "They suck."

"Only because you like your Dallas Cowboys."

"You bet."

"Are we talking football again?" Gillespie broke through the group.

"Hey!" Nick slid his Blackberry back into his pocket and stood up to shake his former supervisor's hand.

"We miss you at CETS." Gillespie smiled.

"How's the new person working out?" Nick asked the older gentlemen.

"Oh he's great. He worked for the RCMP in Canada, but his wife got a job down here and he applied for the job and had previous experience and we brought him in."

"Dudley Do Right." Nick joked.

"Ha! I'll tell him that one." Gillespie chuckled and then turned to Mandy.

"Well, well how far along are we now."

"About 35 weeks." Mandy said with a deep huff while rubbing her back,"I'll be glad when it's over."

"So will I." Nick mumbled under his breath and felt a punch in his shoulder. "What! The hormones have got you snaky."

"You try going day to day feeling as if you got a rock on your bladder!" Mandy growled at him, her brown eyes narrowed into slits. "And that's on top of looking forward to pushing a football out a hole the size of a golf ball!"

Nick grimaced and then flashed a charming smile to sway the savage beast before him, "I love it when you talk sports darlin!"

"Yeah, my wife always said the last few months are the tough ones." Gillespie laughed and said assuringly to Nick, "Don't worry, you'll get through it."

"Awww, she's been doing great. She goes to prenatal exercise classes at the YMCA." He smiled proudly at her as she joined the huddle, "She gets Hodges and Henry to carry everything for her at the Lab."

"Yeah, well they're scared of what you'll do if they don't." Mandy pointed out with a wink.

As Gillespie turned to greet Julia who strolled in dragging a file box, Nick turned to Mandy and whispered in her ear, "I'll draw bath for you when you get home." Reaching over to rub her back soothingly while she whispered back, "I'm looking forward to it."

Julia sidled over with a quizzical look. "What's she doing here?"

Nick stared over the wife of the step-father he caught in the hotel. She looked like something drug out of the horrible reality show about kids living in New Jersey, only worse. She wore a red cleavage busting, form fitting dress and her hair looked as if she robbed it off Amy Winehouse.

Hell that weird chick from the New Jersey show dressed better.

"Not exactly court house attire." Mandy commented.

"Yeah, but she's staring at Nick and fiddling with her big-ass purse." Julia studied her closer and then gasped, "Oh fuck, she's carrying heat!"

Nick was way ahead of her as he saw the Magnum whip out.

"Everyone out of the way!" He ordered as Gillespie grabbed Julia's arm and pulled her and Nick pivoted to push Mandy with them.

Wrong direction as the gun was fired. Screams filled the air as Nick dove towards Mandy and tackled her all while knowing full well this was a potentially lethal, but he didn't have a choice.

_Please God..please don't let anything happen to them._

The air was filled with gunfire as security guards fired towards the woman and out the corner of his eye, Nick saw her crumble to the ground. The guards raced over screaming into their radios to for paramedics.

Slowly Nick rose, his heart thudding madly as he cried, "Mandy, are you okay."

With a moan she slowly turned around grasping Nick's arm and sitting up straight., eyes wide, her glasses on the ground with blood stains smeared on the ground.

"Nick.."she gasped and felt for the wound, Nick's hand joining herd

She had been shot! Blood and fluid seeped from wound just above her stomach.

Their eyes met in horror.

Time seemed to stand still as he could hear himself yelling for help as panic brewed in him like a tornado. The calm collected CSI he was seemed to have disappeared into a cave while the husband and father-to-be took charge.

Langston was at their side, two fingers pressed against Mandy's neck, his face anxious while Nick yelled for someone to call an ambulance, call 911 or calls whomever.

"No time!" Langston effortlessly lifted a sobbing Mandy into his arms, "Get your truck, put the siren on it and let's get to the hospital."

"But we need.."Nick insisted.

"She's in labour, Nick, her water broke. We need to get her to the hospital before she loses too much blood."

After placing the siren onto the roof, Langston ordered Nick into the front seat while he slid into the backseat with Mandy whipping off his jacket and covering her with it.

Nick leaned over the back and watched helplesslly as Langston crouched beside Mandy orderingher not to push.

"Whatever you do!" the doctor ordered. "Don't push." Langston clasped her hand. "Squeeze and breathe, Mandy, squeeze and breathe."

Mandy looked at Nick frantically who assured, "Baby, it's okay." She was breathing rapildy while bright read blood seeped through her fingers.

Nick gulped in deep breaths to steady himself for the drive when a voice rang through to him,"Hey, I'll drive." He turned and saw Sara standing there, "I'll drive, move over."

Calm and collected, Sara weaved in and out of traffic while Nick leaned over the back feeling helpless watching Mandy's face turn ashen grey while her eyes became slits.

"Mandy stay with us." Langston ordered her.

"Well be there in three minutes." Nick told her. "Just hang on sweetie."

She nodded slowly before her eyes widened as she sat up and then blood projected from her mouth as she vomited.

"Fuck!" Nick looked at Langston, panicked but the doctor said, "Just hold tight Mandy."

.

Langston was on his cell phone giving orders to the Emergency Room staff to have personnell on staff.

"This is Dr. Ray Langston, I'm in a squad car now with a 33 year old gun shot wound in 35th week of gestation…"

xxXXxx

Stone faced nurses were ready with a gurney when Langston lay a now semi-concious Mandy on it. Nick rushed beside it.

"Mandy, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. Please hang in there."

"We're taking her up to the OR right now." The nurse told Langston. "They're all waiting."

The rushed through the doors, Nick was in pursuit but Langston turned and blocked him.

Nick snarled, "What the fuck!" He stood his ground. "I'm going with you. That's my family."

Langston's formidable frame held firm as he folded his arms and firmly said, "No, Nick they need to work on them right now. They're in good hands."

"I want to be with them." Nick demanded ready to body check the man into the next state.

"You can't." Langston shook his head, his eyes compassionate "I'm going to going to get you fresh scrubs and then we can go up and sit in the gallery where the students watch."

Sara walked in a said to Langston, "Bag them for evidence along with Mandy's dress."

Nick faced his old friend as she handed them the bags, "I..it was my fault she got shot."

With a firm shake of her head Sara said, "Nick, this was NOT your fault. She was intent on getting revenge on anyone associated with the destruction of her family."

"It doesn't matter matter why she did it," He turned away and said gravely, "If my family dies, it's my fault.'

XxXXxx

A small group of students donned in green and blue scrubs sat on benches, huge text books piled onto their legs. They looked to be about 30 to forty years old. A man of fifty sat with them.

They hushed as Nick walked in with Langston. He surmised the anguished look was enough for them to clue into the fact that he was a family member.

Nick took a seat in the front, his eyes glued to the site below him. He couldn't see Mandy as she was surrounded by a flurry of doctors and nurses.

"My colleague Dr. McGregor is the surgeon, that's Dr. Taylor n the obstetrician assisting him and there's Dr. Preston." He pointed to a stout woman milling about stretching her fingers under latex glove and speaking with the surgeons. "She's the pediatric surgeon."

Machines beeped as orders were shouted out. Nick bit his bottom lip and ran a hand through his hair feeling the dampness from the sweat.

"Any moment now, your son will be born. They'll be doing a c-section to remove him and then check to see what injuries he sustaied." He looked at Nick, "While I was getting your scrubs, Dr. Taylor told me that your son's chances might be good if he turned, so let's hope he did."

Nick licked dry lilps and mumbled, "But babies don't turn until almost 36 weeks."

"Some turn sooner. Did Mandy mention anything to you?"

"_Woe!" Mandy sat up from the couch where she watched Modern Family and looked down at her stomach, "Woe there buddy!" _

"_What's wrong?" Nick asked bringing in some pizza he'd picked up on the way over._

"_I think he's break dancing in there." She smiled at him._

"Maybe we've got the next Justin Timberlake." Nick chuckled rubbing her belly under shirt stained with tomato sauce.

"Yeah, she mentioned last week he was being active, but I don't know." Nick leaned forward.

"Do you want me to call anyone?" Langston asked gently.

Nick swallowed the lump in his throat and responded hoarsely, "Yeah we have to call her parents and my parents..well her parents first. They don't speak with me because they haven't forgiven me for abandoning Mandy and they haven't forgiven her for forgiving me." Tears were streaming down his face as he caught a site of her under a white cap with a mask over pallor face. He slumped onto a bench noticing some of the young doctors looking over at him sympathetically.

_Baby, please don't leave me. I'm sorry I let you down. I'll never, never leave you again._

He felt Langston pat his back as he sent a text to Catherine, who immediately responded back.

"Catherine wrote that all calls have been made, and family is on their way." He read further, "Mandy's father is still not up to travel so her mother is trying to find someone to take care of him."

Nick's attention was caught up as he heard one of the students say, "They got the baby out."

He jumped up and leaned against the glass, palms flattened against it. Down below he saw Dr. Preston rushing over and taking a bloodied baby into her arms and placing him on a nearby table. Soon Nick could see his son but for a brief moment as he was surrounded by nurses who were attaching him to machines.

Langston stood beside him.

"I can see that they are working on him in his lower torso. I hope I'm writing that I believe it means he had turned when Mandy was shot.

Nick ran a hand over his face. He'd never felt this kind of fear in his life. His world was complete only hours ago and now everything was in shambles. The doctors worked frantically on both mother and child.

Please God, don't take them from me no. I abandoned them once. I swear if they get through this. I'm taking them out of Vegas to safe place and never coming back. I'll get a construction job or something.

Nick took deep breaths to steady himself.

"Is that the bullet?" Langston leaned over.

Nick followed his gaze and saw Dr. Preston drop a tiny metal fragment into a dish. She looked up into the gallery and noticed Langston standing there and gave frthumbs up as the baby gave an angry cry.

"That means he's going to be okay." Langston annouced as the students applauded. But the moment of joviality was soon shattered as a horrific beeping noise sounded from the table next to his son.

"What's going on?" Nick was stricken with horror as the nurses shouted out to one another and a doctor.

Langston watched and said, "She's going into cardiac arrest."

"What!" Nick shouted, "No she can't be. No!"

"She might have had an amniotic fluid embolism." A young, blonde student blurted out carelessly with her colleagues glaring at her.

Nick stared at Langston who swallowed hard.

Langston explained, "It can happen with abdominal trauma, but it's rare, but sometimes fetal tissue slipping into the blood stream of a pregnant woman through her placenta can cause an allergic reaction which could lead to cardiac arrest, but I don't think that's what's happening here, Nick, she lost a fair deal of blood."

Nick placed his palsm on the windows and watched, helplessly, as the doctors worked to revive his wife.

"You know you can still change your mind?"

_Nick turned around from looking out into the brightly lit Vegas day watching people scurry about, gazed at the lovely site of Mandy who was dressed in a cream coloured, lace dress, hair up in a bun with loose curls around her face. The glasses had been exchanged for contacts. Her cheeks were flushed as she carried a tiny bouquet of yellow roses and baby's breaths._

"_You know you can too?" Nick said her to her, wishing he could touch her shoulders but his hands were clammy from nerves._

"_This was your idea?" Mandy correctly pointed out, her brown eyes bright as her head tilted to the side._

"_I know." Nick said his voice up high as nerves grappled him, chewed his bottom lip and then nodded to himself. He would do this. "I want my son to be born into a family."_

_Mandy smirked and looked down, "You got some old fashion values there don't you?"_

"_I sure do." Nick said, "My mom and dad taught me well."_

_Mandy leaned over and kissed him soundly, "I must thank your mom and dad for that in addition to thanking them for creating this incredibly sexy man for me to play with whenever I want."_

_With a chuckle, Nick said, "Uh I think my mom would squirm at the info."_

_They waited outside while the Justice of the Peace led two women in who were eager to tie the knot. Nick and Mandy noticed they were the only heterosexual couple in the room. Happy and eager same sex couples waited their turn, some holding babies in their arms._

"_We had to pick the day AFTER same sex marriage was legalized." Nick groaned leaning against the window. "I mean I'm happy for them, but man it's hard to wait."_

"_Well, they've waited a long time so we can wait." Mandy hooked her arm through his before whispering "Of course we could always head off to the Mirage and have the honeymoon first."_

"_I thought we did that last night." Nick grasped her hand and kissed it." _

_Mandy flushed at the memory,"Hey, I want to enjoy all the time we have before he comes and becomes the center of our world."_

_Nick chuckled and sighed, "Well we're number 20."_

"_Yeah, and they're on 18." Mandy drooped, "So it won't be too long."_

"_Oh good, you guys haven't gone in yet!"_

_Sara rushed through the hall with Catherine, Greg, Langston and Brass in tow._

"_Nope." Nick stood up. "Where's Hodges."_

_Catherine looked crestfallen "Oh I don't think he wanted to come without Wendy."_

"_What about Wendy!" A voice rang out_

_Mandy's eyes lit up in delight as a familiar face came through. Hodges walked behind her quietly._

"_You think I was going to miss this." Wendy stood back joy in her face._

_While Mandy and Wendy caught up, Catherine took Nick aside and smiled broadly at him._

"_So..how do you really feel Nicky?" She patted his shoulder._

_Nick blew out a breath, shoved his hands in his pocket and said, "Scared shitless."_

_Catherine's smile formed into a knowing smirk, "Yes, that's pretty normal."_

"_Excited, but scared shitless." Nick admitted._

"_That's normal too." Catherine leaned in, "But is this what you really want.."_

_Nick didn't get a chance to answer because their number was being called. _

_As they filed into the tiny room with soft lighting, flowers and a Justice of the Peace who looked like a slimmed down Glenn Beck, their friends took their seats while Mandy and Nick signed the paperwork, and paid the necessary fees._

_Then it was time._

_Nick faced Mandy, his heart beating like a drum in a marching band, his mouth dry as he stared directly at Mandy whose face was white as a ghost._

_Did she want to do this? He watched her hands shake as she handed the bouquet of flowers to Wendy while Greg took his place behind him muttering about almost losing the ring when he went to the john this morning._

_While skinny Glenn Beck read the virtues of marriage, Nick mouthed to her, "Are you sure?_

_Tears formed in her eyes as she mouthed back, "Are you?"_

_Nick ran a tongue over dried lips and mouthed, "Yes.."_

"_Nick did you hear what I said?"_

_Nick looked at the justice of the peace who eyed him, "Sorry.."_

"_I said, do you take Amanda Jane Webster to be your wife?"_

_Nick looked back at Mandy, smiled and said, "Yes..yes I do."_

"_Amanda, do you take Nicholas Parker Stokes to be your husband?"_

_Mandy's eyes grew wide as a pause followed, she swallowed as it appeared_

_The room grew uncomfortably quiet as out of the corner of his eye, he saw the worried looks of his friends._

_Nick waited, anxiety growing like wild fire as his mind raced crazy thoughts"Oh fuck no..she's..going to change her mind..Mandy..please..I..love you.."_

"_Yes, yes I do." Her voice shook as she said them._

_Relief washed over him and he squeezed her hands, feeling tears well in his eyes. He blinked them back. He barely recalled sliding the ring onto her finger and feeling the band slip onto his._

_Skinny Glenn Beck announced, "Well by the powers invested by me by the City of Las Vegas, I now pronounce you husband and wife."_

_A silly grin formed on Mandy's face as she mouthed to him, "I love you."_

_He mouthed back, "And I love you."_

"_Mr. Stokes you may now kiss your wife." The justice of the peace said in an impatient voice._

"_Oh yeah.." he drew Mandy to him and dove in for what seemed like an eternity as everyone applauded, before whispering to her, "What took you so long?"_

_Giggling wildly she whispered back, "I had gas and I thought I was going to belch."_

_Nick held her tightly laughing, "Oh man..it's going to be a wild ride Mandy Webster."_

"_Mandy Stokes." She drew back and kissed him again, holding his face into hers._

"_Okay.." Catherine walked over and said, "Dinner on me at the Mirage Dining Room, unless you two want to just head up to the honeymoon suite and we can just have dinner without you."_

"_Oh hell no..I'm hungry." Mandy said, "Well I know he is." She rubbed her stomach for emphasis._

_XxXXxx_

"_Woe!" Mandy exclaimed as they walked into the most luxurious hotel rooms they'd ever seen. White leather couches, expensive paintings. A full bar. A flat screen TV which almost filled the wall. Nick could see a bathroom with a jacuzzi off to the corner. Fresh flowers scented the room and he spotted a bottle of nonalcholic champagne on the table with a note on it. He read it._

"_For the parents to be." Love the team._

"_Yeah, I only see these room when there's a crime scene." Nick said sardonically._

"_This is a nice gift Catherine gave us." Mandy laid her purse on a table and checked out the fruit basket on her budget._

_Nick wiggled the tie off his neck and laid on a leather chair along with his jacket. "Darling, she owns this hotel."_

_Mandy stared at him, "Seriously, she owns this hotel."_

"_Yep, she told me so, but this room is usually saved for high end clientele, and she arranged with the manager to have it for us at the last minute." Nick walked over and took his new wife's hands and squeezed, "And we have it for the entire weekend until Monday morning."_

_Mandy smiled bashfully, her cheeks turned red as she said softly, "I guess we'll have to make good use of it." Then looked up at him, her eyes growing dark with longing, "The bed at least."_

_Chuckling, Nick let go of her hands reluctantly asking, "You want some champagne."_

"_Naww.." she said, "I'm going to change out of this dress, it's a little scratchy."_

"_Okay," Nick said grabbing a beer from the bar fridge and flopping down on the couch and turned on the TV and was awed by the HD of the football players, he could practically see the whites of their eyes, so lost was he that he barely heard his name being called._

_His eyes widened at the site of his blossoming wife in a rose pink chemise smiling flirtatiously at him._

"_Do you want to watch the game?" She asked demurley, "I'm really tired and think I'll just head off to bed."_

_She hadn't finsihed the sentence when the TV was off and he walked over undoing his shirt._

"_Naw..I think I'd rather consummate this marriage." Nick said determinedly as he fiddled with buttons on his white dress shirt,. "It ain't officially legal till we do the deed, darlin."_

"_Well I'm all for the law." Mandy smiled, stopped his hands for a moment while diving in for a passionate kiss. Nick's fingers trailed down and lifted the silky material up and over her head, momentarily disrupting the kiss, but only for a second until he tossed the chemise onto a white leather chair. He started on his shirt again._

"_Here let me help with that." She mumbled tugging the material out of his dress pants. The shirt was whipped off and tossed to corner by the time they reached the bedroom with a low lit chandeliar, fire place and king sized bed with white silk sheets waiting for them._

_He was aching to be inside her as he lay against the headboard and watched her climb aboard._

"_Need support there darin'?" he gently asked as she eased down on his hardness, before she could answer he bent his knees up so she could lean against._

"_You're so thoughtful." She gasped she rocked gently, her hands gliding up and down his chest. "And so fucking gorgeous."_

_Nick grinned and said, "You ain't so bad yourself darling, especially now._

_As he watched her face grow flushed with pleasure his mind slipped into a dark crevice of his mind of the horrors he witnessed for the past few months and it dawned on him on incredibly evil they were. This act, this absolutely pleasuable act created by God or nature was meant for adults, for fun, for games, for release._

_Or to solidify the beginning of a marriage._

"_Nick," Mandy whispered as she sped up slightly, "Come back to the land of the living."_

_He smiled and reached for her hand and brought to his mouth to kiss. "I love you." _

_Her pace increased and it wasn't long before sheer bliss sent them into a land of pure happiness, she went first and he followed in pursuit._

_Trembling, he helped her off and drew her to his chest while simultaneously covering them with the sheets._

_Finaly, she looked up at him and grinned, "Well so far it's off to a good start, right?"_

_Nick chuckled, "Oh yeah. If marriage is going to be like this, then I should have married you a long time ago."_

"_We weren't dating a long time ago."_

"_Well I could have asked you to marry me." _

"_It would have been weird, but I think I would have said yes, just to get the good sex." Mandy laughed and then grew solemn as she added, "Either way, I'd still would fallen in love with you, because I've always been in love with you since I started at the lab 10 years ago."_

_Nick caressed her cheek and said, "I didn't deserve you back then. I had to grow up first."_

_She smiled crookedly and said, "I think you have, Mr. Stokes, and soon you'll be watching your son grow up and he's got the best dad in the world and doesn't even know it yet."_

_Nick's hand had found it's way to her belly and as she made the last statement he felt a thud under his hand. With a delighted laugh, he claimed, "Oh I think he just told us he knows that already."_

"She's back."

Nick was jolted out of his memory and looked through the pane.

"She's alive." Langston voice rang through his thoughts. "They've stabilized her."

Nick saw the doctors and nurses looking slightly calmer but still grave. One looked up at them and nodded with a thumb's up.

"Dr. Mitchell is a friend of mine." Langston told Nick who felt relief washing through him. "He's telling me things are going accordingly."

"It wasn't an embolism." Nick said. The word stayed in his head.

Langston looked at him solemnly, "Given the odds of survival. It's not likely but I'll find out more for you."

In all the commotion, it had gone unnoticed that his son was no longer there.

"Where's the baby?" Nick asked anxiously.

"He's probably in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit." Langston said.

Nick flopped down on the bench still on edge.

"Dr. Preston just sent me a text. You're son's wound was superfluous, so he's been bandaged and is resting comfortably anytime you want to see him."

"What about Mandy?" Nick said.

Langston sighed, "I'll see what I can find out." He stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Go be with your son Nick. I'll see Mandy through this and let you know when she's out of surgery."

Nick weighed the decision and finally decided. "I'm going to see him." He ascended the steps, turned once more and said, "Ray..thanks.."


	16. Chapter 16

Honour Thy Children

Chapter 16

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Nick was greeted with a cacophony of babies crying. The walls were a pastel yellow and pictures of babies in pot, dressed in angel clothes lined the walls as he strolled down the hall towards an African-American woman sitting at the desk wearing a scrubs with Mickey and Minnie mouse imprinted on them.

"Excuse me." Nick said nervously, "I'm Nick Stokes, my son was brought to the NICU."

_The word 'son' still sounded foreign on his tongue._

"I'll need to see some ID." She smiled apologetically, "We've had some incidents and so we're careful."

"No…that's fine." Nick slid his wallet out of the back pocket of the blue scrub pant he wore and slid his Driver's License out and showed it to her.

With a warm smile, she said, "It's just down the hall and to your right and I'll buzz the charge nurse to let her know you're on way Mr. Stokes."

"Thanks." Nick said as he put his wallet back in his pocket and made his way down the hall past rooms with women cooing and cuddling their babies causing a pain in his heart that felt as if a knife had sliced through him.

_My baby's mom is in surgery right now because some psychotic bitch put a bullet in her!_

Anger brewed him as he formed a silent pledge that the cause of all his heartache would see justice come hell or high water!

"Mr. Stokes, welcome to the NICU." A cheerful voice jarred him from the clouds of rage.

Dr. Preston was walking out with a big grin. Did she always look this happy?

"Hi." Nick nodded to her.

"Your son is just settling in." Dr. Preston brought him to a room where an older nurse handed him a yellow gown to put on. "He weighs about 800 grams which is very good. The higher the birth weight in a preemie, the better their chances are."

She motioned for him to follow and he did so, his stomach churning out of nerves.

The room was filled with soft beeps, small cries and soft chatter from young, Asian couple standing over an incubator looking fretful.

He felt terribly alone all of a sudden. When his sister had a premature baby, her husband, his parents were all within a reasonable distance offering support.

For the first time in his life, Nick missed living in Texas. His father's formidable shadow didn't seem so important to him anymore.

"Here we are." Dr. Preston stopped before an incubator with the name tag, "Baby Stokes."

"I don't think you two have met?" She said with warmth in her voice.

Nick peered through the plexi-glass heart pounded in his chest at the sight of a tiny pink, shrivelled up little human being laying on his back with soft bedding surrounding him, tubing taped onto his weaving in and out of his nose.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the only words he could muster were "He's so small."

"Premature babies tend to be small, Mr. Stokes."

"You can call me Nick."

"Okay, Nick, I know you're a scientist but you're also the father of a preemie and so I'm sure this all looks pretty scary."

"Hell yeah." Nick admitted as he chewed his bottom lip. He wasn't just scared, he was shit out of his mind fucking scared, traumatised, exhausted and most of all angry.

He wanted vengeance, but as he looked down at his son, he felt the anger retreating.

"So I'll let explain what's happening here to take the fear out of this," she pointed to each device as she explained, "These are the monitoring machines to take the heart rate, respiratory rate, blood pressure and temperature. This is a pulse ox meter to measure the amount of oxygen in the blood. The sticky pads on his chest, legs, and arms are connected to a monitor who displays his heart rate."

"Okay, it still doesn't take away my fear." Nick folded his arms feeling butterflies dancing around in his stomach.

"He's doing well. We've got him on anti-biotic to for the injuries." Dr. Preston explained, "Your son received two bullet fragments in his right foot and the back of his left leg, but just barely. Just simple wounds. He lost very little blood. He's a tough little guy."

_He's a Stokes..It comes with the name._

"Can I touch him?" He asked feeling fearful but pushing forward.

"Absolutely. It's crucial!"

Taking a deep, Nick reached in and placed his finger tips on soft, warm skin feeling a surge of emotions within. Emotions chasing away rage he felt earlier and replacing it with an even stronger one, one so powerful it made his chest hurt.

Nick pressed his lips together, feeling tears scalding his cheeks as he stroked the tiny back and watched a little mouth purse.

"You know you can hold him."

Nick looked up surprised. "Really..he's so small and I might break him."

"Hardly, if mother cats can grab their babies by the scruff and carry them about in their mouths, you can hold an infant." Dr. Preston patted the rocking chair, "It's called Kangaroo Care and basically, you hold the baby in an upright position on your chest."

Nick took a seat and watched while the nurses and Dr. Preston gently eased the baby out of the incubator and brought him over and laid him against his chest while Nick gently grasped the infant with his hand trembling.

"Studies have shown that the more physical contact with a parent a preemie gets, the faster the weight gain the sooner they can go home to mom and dad."

"Dr. Preston there's a phone call for you."

"Excuse me Nick." She smiled warmly.

The nervous man smiled thanks and continued to hold the baby.

Another nurse walked over with a clip board and whispered, "Sorry, Mr. Stokes, did you and your wife have a named picked out for your son."

_Son-it sounded foreign, yet wonderful!_

"Yeah." Nick smiled, "Zachariah Nicholas …" He chewed his bottom lip, "Webster Stokes."

"Wow..that's a mouthful of a name." The nurse wrote it down and said, "That way we can call him something then baby Stokes."

Dr. Preston walked over and said, "Nick that was Ray Langston. Your wife is out of surgery and in the recovery room and he's going to stay with her until a family member arrives. Your mother is at the airport and should be here in an hour. He spoke with Dr. Mitchell and unfortunately, she did have an embolism, but she is holding her own."

Nick nodded and squeezed his son gently.

_Christ, if she dies. How the hell am I going to raise this little guy on my own? I can't. I'll have to leave Vegas and go back to Austen and get my mom to help._

She looked at her watch, "I've got rounds to do but I'll be back in a little while to check up on you both."

Nick felt torn and it was obvious.

"If you want to see your wife, Nick, it's fine he's in good hands with us."

"I know. I just..his lower lip trembled."

"You need to stay grounded right now because your son while he's doing very well, Nick, he's still critical and at least one person to be there for him." Dr. Preston looked sympathetic while tears rolled down his face. "He's not out of the woods just yet, Nick."

Nick nodded gravely and stroked his son's tiny back feeling a little hand splay tiny fingers across his chest, it felt warm and tender. He bit his bottom lip as Dr. Preston's words took hold of him. The reality was, he could lose his new family at anytime.

He prayed silently for that not to happen. It was a miracle Mandy took him back, and the thought they could be gone was too painful to bear.

Within minutes everyone left the two of them alone and Nick continued to stroke the infant's back then tentatively brought his finger over to the little hand-to his surprise and sheer delight, the tiny hind closed around his.

For the first time in hours, Nick forged a smile on his face as tears burned in his eyes as he unwittingly held his son closer and felt the little head curl into his chest.

"They tend to like bare skin more." The older nurse with greying hair and crinkles around her blue eyes told him. "Usually we recommend the chest be bare, but it looks like the v in your shirt is enough."

Nick leaned back further and eased the baby up more. "Like this."

"Looks good." The nurse studied the monitors, "His vitals are good. We'll try and feed him later. I think he's strong enough to take the bottle, but if not, we'll feed him through a tube."

Nick smiled at the nurse. At this point, he was so stressed he'd agree with anything.

The nurse noticed this and said, "Mr. Stokes, you have a strong son. He's survived the odds already and he's got a great chance."

A little fear eased out of his soul as Nick responded. "Thanks."

As he walked away, Nick whispered to him, "I hardly know you, but I sure and hell love you and I'm sorry you're arrival in this world was so damn violent, but I promise you I'll never let anything happen to you or your mom as long as you live."

He felt a cheek rest against his chest and he swore his heart would explode right then and there.

xxXXxx

The morning went by in a stress-filled blur. The nurses put him back in the incubator after a ½ hour of cuddling and Nick sat in a rocker staring at him in pure exhaustion but refused to leave.

When the fear decided to release him from its grip, Nick managed to be in awe at this little miracle in the incubator.

_Holy crap. That is my kid in there. My kid. My son._

Now he would have been just as happy if it had been a daughter, but like all men, Nick secretly harboured a desire for a son; a little version of him.

Langston had stopped by and introduced himself to his son, then told Nick that Wendy had had arrived and was going to take over as he should get back to the lab. Catherine and Greg were handling the shooting.

"Mr. Stokes, there's a quiet room for parents of babies in NICU if you want to go down there and have a nap." An older lady with an East Indian accent told him, "We'll let you know if there's a problem."

Nick sighed heavily, "I should check on my wife."

"Go ahead." The nurse encouraged him.

"Mr. Stokes, there's a Jillian Stokes here" A young nurse dressed in Mickey Mouse scrubs told him solemnly.

"Mom!" Nick walked out to the hallway where his mother stood, her brown hair in pony tail, eyes red with sleep.

"Nicky." She held out her arms as he walked over he reached for them gladly.

He wasn't sure if it was exhaustion or anguish, but then and there he broke down and sobbed. He didn't realize how grateful he was that she was here. Nick considered himself a strong guy but the reassuring sight of his mother broke him and he needed a moment's release from the pillar of strength he'd been harbouring.

His mother stroked his back and said nothing. What could be said?

Finally, Nick gathered himself and drew back asking gruffly, "Where's dad?"

"He's in the ICU with Mandy." She said, "Her mother called us from the airport in New York and there's been a delay due to weather, so he told he'd stay with her daughter until she got here."

Jill patted his shoulder as she said proudly "I want to meet my new grandson."

Nick grinned and ushered her in where fresh gowns were provided to them by nurses. As soon as they donned their gown, he took his mother over to the incubator where Zach squirmed about, little noises emitting from the tiny body.

"Oh my God!" His mother knelt down to take a peek, "I cannot believe this, Nicky." She straightened up as tears formed in her eyes. "It's you all over again. The spitting image."

"Really." Nick smiled, "I think he looks just like Mandy."

Bending over to study closer, "The mouth is certainly hers, but everything else is you. I have the photo in my album to back me up." She stood up again and said, "My youngest child is finally a father. I wasn't sure there if I'd see this."

"I'm just..mom..so overwhelmed." Nick wiped hand over his face. "I..just want to see Mandy."

"Then go see her. I'll stay here with my grandson and get to know him a bit. She looked over at a nurse, "Is it okay to take him out."

"No problem, I'll come help you out."

As Jillian settled in, the nurse eased the baby out as Nick told him mother, "Do the kangaroo thing..mom..you know hold him to your chest.."

His mother eyed him, humoured by his new found infant knowledge, "I have had seven children of my own and now have 12 grandchildren Nicky and I think I know a thing or two about holding a newborn. Remember your oldest sister was a preemie, even younger than this guy." The baby was eased into her arms and he settled against his grandmother with a satisfied grunt.

"Really?" Nick hadn't remembered this conversation before.

"Yes, really." His mother said and stroked the tiny back, "So don't you worry, I know what I'm doing, so you go be with your wife now and make sure you're notified right away if there's a problem."

xxXXxx

The ICU was one floor below and was starkly grim compared to the NICU.

Nick found the room where Mandy was, cleaned his hands with the sterilizing soap mounted on the wall and walked into the ward. She was down at the end after a young, African American male who was barely conscience while his mother stood there nervously.

Bill Stokes sat on a chair reading _Lawyers' Digest_, but he laid it on the table and stood as Nick walked in. He bit his bottom lip as his dad walked over and embraced him mumbling how sorry he was for all this.

Nick swallowed and then turned to face his wife. Mandy lay there, as the ventilator hummed and the monitors beeped quietly. Her face was white, and her brown wavy hair (which he loved to run his hand through) was pressed against her cheek.

"She's pretty sedated." Bill said, "The nurses won't tell me much, but I gather she's doing okay."

Nick stood the rails of her bed, and reached over and gently clasped her hand.

"Langston told me what happened."

Not taking his eyes off Mandy, Nick answered, "I don't know why she did this to me, to us."

"Well, it's a case of revenge, her husband was part owner of a website run by Brenda Cane and when he was arrested, her life was ruined, she lost her job, lost her friends and lost her child."

Nick squeezed Mandy's hand, "And she had to ruin my life."

He felt his dad pat his shoulder, "It's going to be okay, Poncho. Your mother and I are here for all three of you."

A tear slid down Nick's cheek as he sniffled a bit as mumbled, "Thank you for coming."

"You're welcome son." His father took a deep breathe, "If you don't mind I'm going to go check on your mother."

"She's in the nursery with the baby."

His father smiled at the word 'baby', "I'm looking forward to meeting him."

"If you can get him away from mom." Nick chuckled, "She came in and took charge."

His father smiled and then asked, "What did you name him?"

Nick looked at him and told him.

"That's a fine name for him."

"Mandy came up with it." Nick held the railings and said, "Dad, thanks for staying with her."

"Well, her mother should be here in an about an hour, so I thought someone should be in case she woke up." Judge Stokes said gravely, "I didn't think she should wake up alone."

Nick cleared his throat, "Nobody should."

After his father left, a young olive-toned doctor walked in.

"Are you Mr. Nick Stokes."

"Yes I'm her husband."

"Hi I'm Dr. Konduz. I'm the doctor monitoring the ICU tonight. I have your wife's file and I just read through it and you're a very lucky man, it looks like both of them are going to survive."

"Do you know when she'll wake up." Nick felt relief wash over him.

"Well," Dr. Konduz looked at her, "I can't say, she lost a lot of blood during the surgery and given the trauma and the state the body was in while the injury was acquired, it's just hard to say. I'm sorry I can't tell you more."

A heavy feeling rose in Nick's chest as he answered, "That's okay."

He looked down at Mandy's pale form and sighed, kissing her hand. "Babe, I'm sorry. This is my entire fault. I should have protected you better. This..sucks.."

Nick eased into a chair by the bed and continued, "I've been with our son, so I haven't been able to get up here till now. My dad stayed with you. Wendy's down in the cafeteria getting a coffee. My mom is with the baby, so he's in good hands." Nick kissed her hand and held it to his cheek. "So I named him Zachariah, just like you wanted but I also gave him your last name too. I hope you don't mind. We'll just call him Zach like that kid from the Disney movies."

He felt his hand being squeezed and looked down.

Mandy eye's were opened, barely, but opened, she smiled weakly at him.

Nick smiled, and wiped away tears from his eyes as he stood up. "Hey, try not to talk; you got to be hooked up to these things for a bit while you recover."

She tried to lift her hands to make a motion, but Nick could see it was too hard, but he knew what she wanted to know.

"He's okay. He's good." Nick pulled out his phone and touched the screen. A video of the baby in the incubator played. He held the phone close to her face and showed her.

His heart crumbled as he could see the tears making their way down Mandy's cheeks and he understood. She wanted to be with him, but was too weak. As the video stopped he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, "Soon, you will be with him. Very, very soon. I promise." He stood back and stroked her swollen face, "At this moment, he's being spoiled rotten by my mom, she was in there taking charge like she always did. If anyone knows how to spoil a baby, it's her."

A small smile formed on Mandy's face as he went on, "Your mom will be here soon. My dad went to the airport to get her.

Mandy nodded feebly and closed her eyes.

The doctor appeared, "Well, hello, I wasn't expecting you to wake up so soon Mrs. Stokes."

He checked her vitals and said, "Everything looks good."

Dr. Konduz explained, "Sometimes when fetal tissue gets into the bloodstream, it causes an allergic reaction. I believe there was tissue from the wound on your sons foot which resulted in an embolism, fortunately, I occurred while you were on the operating table and we were able tend to it immediately. You had at least 8 units blood and your blood pressure dropped to 50/40. It was close."

Mandy sighed. Nick asked, "How long does she have to stay in the ICU." The thought that she had an amniotic embolism frightened him as his sister had lost a mother once to the very same condition.

"I'd say we'll monitor her for another 48 hours and if all pans out, we can move her to the maternity ward."

Nick looked at Mandy and she smiled at this as her eyes looked heavy with sleep. Nick leaned over and whispered, "You rest up. Okay? I'm just going to check up on the baby." She nodded and appeared to drift off.

The doctor motioned Nick to follow him out in the hall.

"Mr. Stokes, I didn't think your wife needed to hear more, but I should warn you that there could be long term neurological damage, so be prepared."

Nick folded his arms, "Okay." He looked through the curtain once more and made his way out of the ICU.

On his way out, he ran into Catherine.

"Hey." Nick smiled as he gave her a hug.

"Just wanted to pop by and see everyone." She looked exhausted. "And wanted to brief you about the case.

Nick frowned, his eyebrows knitted together.

"She is being held without bail and is being charged with three counts of attempted murder, assault and discharging a fire arm in public."

Nick mumbled, "Three counts."

"Yes."

Nick nodded. That was a good start. "Is she remorseful? Does she know she nearly killed a pregnant woman and her son?"

Catherine shook her head, "Nick, she is not at all remorseful. She was laughing in the court room, which is one of the reasons the judge held her without bail."

Rage surged within Nick as he felt his nostrils fail and he put his hands on his hips. "I want on the case."

Aghast, Catherine placed her hands on his shoulders and said, "Nick..Nick..get a hold of yourself. You haven't slept in almost 24 hours, your wife is in the ICU and your son is in the NICU. They need you!"

Nick ran a hand over the stubble on his face and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror on the wall. His eyes were blood shot, his hair a mess, a beard was certainly forming on his face. He turned back to Catherine, "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be." she smiled sympathetically at him, "How is Mandy?"

"Good, so far, good."

"And your son?"

"Good, my mom is with him."

"I'd like to take a peek at him if that is okay."

"Sure. This way." Nick led her to the NICU.

xxXXxx

Nick couldn't help but smile as they looked through the window of the NICU. His mother was sitting beside the incubator knitting away, peering every so often at his sleeping son.

A nurse gowned them up and they headed in.

Mrs. Stokes stood up and said hello to Catherine and took one look her son.

"Nick, I'd say after this visit with Catherine, you take advantage of the waiting room and take a nap."

"I got to get back to Mandy." Nick gruffed, "She woke up. The doctor said she had an embolism, but she is going to be okay."

His mother sighed as Catherine said, "After I'm done, I'll head over to Mandy's room. It's fine." She looked at Nick, "You rest."

"My husband just picked up Mrs. Webster at the airport, so he should be returning soon."

Catherine was beside herself as she peeked into the incubator. "Nick, he is beautiful."

Nick watched as his son grunted and squirmed.

"They just fed him a few minutes go." Mrs. Stokes said. "He took in an ounce, which isn't too bad."

The world seemed to be spinning and everyone's words felt fuzzy.

He rubbed his eyes, "I'm going to take a quick nap."

The two women nodded sympathetically, and assured him all would be okay. He leaned over and whispered to his son, "I love you. I'll be back. I promise."

He crawled onto a couch in the waiting room and was out like a light.

xxXXxx

Forty eight hours passed and Mandy was given the green light to be moved into the maternity ward.

However, she wanted to first meet her son. Nick and her mother helped wheeled her, IV attached to a hook and all to the NICU. She was still groggy and her throat hurt from the tube down her throat, but she was determined as hell to meet her son.

After her mother arrived, Nick's parents returned to the hotel to take a much needed nap before checking out and moving into Nick's home. Nick convinced them to stay at his place in the guest room as well as Mandy's mother. It would be crowded, but they would manage.

As Nick wheeled her into the NICU, he asked her, "Ready to meet him."

"Absolutely." Mandy said her voice raspy.

The nurses greeted them with a smile. Zachariah's nurse told them, "He's waking up from his nap."

Mandy's eyes were glued to the incubator. Nick eased his arms up and gently lifted his son out and placing the tiny baby into her waiting arms. Tears were streaming down Mandy's face and Nick knew they were both joyful tears and tears of grief as she was denied this for two days. Two days lost because of some raging lunatic.

_My fault. This is my entire fault._

The tears of joy won the battle as Mandy whispered to their son, "Well, you are certainly your dad all over again. I can see it in the chin."

Nick laughed through his own tears. "My mom says he has your mouth."

"Really, big chin, big lips." Mandy mumbled, "He'll like this kid on the show, Glee, they call trouty mouth."

Nick groaned, "Oh, well, least the actor is getting paid well, so maybe there is something to it all."

Mandy looked up at him and smiled, "He's beautiful Nick. The most beautiful baby in the world."

Nick pulled a chair up beside her wheelchair and wrapped an arm around her. "Of course he is. He's our baby."

They had forgotten Mrs. Webster was still there as she spoke up, "May I take a photo?"

They nodded and Mrs. Webster pulled out her iPhone and snapped a photo and promised to send it to Nick later.

"I'm going to leave you two alone now." She said. "I'm going to go to the house and call your dad and get some shut eye."

After she left, Mandy let the tears flow more freely, Nick's heart broke at the sight.

"I'm sorry, this is my entire fault." He told her, his throat tightening.

Mandy looked straight at him and told him sternly, "Who decided to be at the courthouse that day? I did."

"You were there to support me."

"But I didn't need to, did I." Mandy insisted. "You were fine. I was being selfish. I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to get some fresh air."

Nick bit his lip and then said, "You know what. This is neither your fault or mine, but Brenda Cane and her sick, perverted ways which trapped many people. That woman who shot us only wanted to hurt someone because her life was destroyed by Brenda."

Mandy eyed him incredulously, "You feel sorry for the woman who shot me!"

"No," Nick answered firmly, "She was just another player in this whole sick game."

Mandy looked down at her son and said to Nick, "You're right."

Nick stood up and moved the chair in front of his son and wife and sat down again. He looked at Mandy solemnly and told her, "I swear on my grave that I will never let any harm come to you, him and any other children we may have that come into our homes." He added with a smile, "And even pets we may have. I'll protect them too."

Mandy giggled softly and nodded, "I swear on my grave, I promise you that too. We'll protect each other, no matter what."

Nick stared down at his son who appeared to be looking at both of them and leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"I love you both." He told Mandy.

"Same here." Mandy said. "You two are my world."

_Author's Note:_

_It took two years, but I am nearing the end. Thanks._


	17. Chapter 17

Trusting me the way you do  
I'm so afraid of failing you  
Just a child who cannot know  
That danger follows where I go  
There are shadows everywhere  
And memories I cannot share

Suddenly from Les Miserables (2012)

_a/n Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown_

Three months later..

The sun was shining brightly as Nick pulled into his drive way. He was exhausted after a long shift, and feels a bit worried about his meeting with Ecklie, who had asked if he was interested in transferring to the day shift.

"_I'm not trying to be a jerk, Stokes, but from one parent to another, you would be better off working a shift where you get to go home and be with your son."_

"_Funny, this offer was never made to Catherine." Nick retorted._

"_I wasn't the Undersheriff then." Ecklie said. "I might have considered it."_

_It was on the tip of Nick's tongue to respond in the negative, but given Ecklie's attitude had metaphorically changed since Warrick's shooting, he gave the man the benefit of the doubt._

"_My daughter and I are estranged as you know." Ecklie told him. "I just would rather not see this happen to you, Nick. You have one shot at being a parent, take it."_

What Nick hadn't said to anyone was his father had told him about an opening in Houston for their Forensics and had given him the same lecture about balancing family and work.

Today was the first day back from his time off and some of what Ecklie had said had hit home, as did his dad's.

Zach was in the hospital for a full two months before the doctor had given the green light for him to come home. Nick had taken time off from his job so he could visit every day.

Mandy had been discharged two weeks after her shooting. Her mother had to return to their father who was still recovering from his cancer scare. Nick's parent assured her, Mandy and the baby would be looked after.

Nick's parents temporarily moved in with them and looked after the new family, And as much as Nick found it intrusive, he really appreciated their help. They all seemed to get along very well and Nick appreciated his mother making sure Mandy took good care of herself. Even so far as supporting Mandy who struggled so much with breastfeeding in the beginning.

"_I did it with all seven, dear, although Nick was the most troublesome with latching on. He was stubborn even then." Mrs. Stokes told Mandy who smiled at him mischievously as a dirty thought came to her head._

_Later, in bed, Mandy said, "I always knew you were more of an ass guy than a boob one."_

"_Ha! Ha!" Nick snorted. "You're a real comedian there." _

But eventually as Zach and Mandy grew stronger, the parents returned to Texas but not without leaving a gift- personal support worker/housekeeper for a year on their dime. A lovely Russian lady in her early 60s, who moved into the guest room and mothered the three of them. She cooked and cleaned and made sure Mandy got naps.

"Hello Mr. Stokes." Mrs. Violetta smiled as she dusted the shelves. "Mandy is just upstairs finishing her shower and we're just listening to some music." She nodded towards Zach who laid on his tummy on the floor staring at the brightly lid blanket on the floor, his inquisitive brown eyes studying the red elephant in front of him.

"Hey my little bud." Nick walked over to him, knelt down and gently lifted him in his arms.

"He was just having his tummy time to build those neck muscles." She said, her Russian accent making it sound as if she said, "He vas having his tummy time." But given she had quite the temper (after witnessing her telling a Jehovah's' witness off who ran the door bell waking the baby), Nick made sure not to made fun of her accent.

Nick kissed the top of his son's bald head. "I missed you." He rocked his son gently to the melodic folk beats of the young band, The Lumineers, from Colorado.

"I'll go make you some breakfast, Mr. Stokes." Mrs. Violetta said.

"You know you can call me Nick." He told her but she wouldn't have it. She was of a generation where that meant disrespect, so he let the debate go.

"Ouch!" The noise came from upstairs.

Nick looked up and looked Mrs. Violetta who took the baby.

xxXXxx

Nick rapped the door gently.

"Come in!" A sullen voice answered.

Nick walked and saw Mandy standing before the mirror, he robe slightly opened as she ran a finge along the scar below her right breast. It was about 8 inches and jagged. Her hair was damped and brushed out. She smelled like roses and looked beautiful, but she didn't think so. She was unhappy with her body after the pregnancy and the weight she gained even in the last few weeks because mobility was still an issue due to the pain of her injury.

"Does it hurt?"

She shook her head. "No, why would you ask?"

"I heard you yell."

Mandy laughed and closed her robe much to Nick's reluctance as the sight of her naked body had stirred him. Intimacy had been a nonfactor with all the chaos in the last few months. Plus, Nick had felt weird having sex in the house with his parents in the room down the hall. The other excuse was just mixed schedules and Mandy still fatiguing easily after her ordeal

Mandy walked over and wrapped her arms around him, "I stubbed my toe."

"Oh." Nick rubbed her back. "How was the first night without me?"

"Lonely, but Zach was here and I woke up in the night to feed him, twice." She looked up at him, her chin against his chest. "I missed you."

Nick rubbed her back, "I noticed you staring at it again."

"At what?" She scrunched her nose, perplexed.

"The scar." Nick felt a rush of guilt and sadness. "I'll save up for plastic surgery if that is what it will take to help you forget what happened."

"Okay, okay." Mandy stood back and faced him, placing he fingers on his shoulders, "First of all, we've talked about this and surgery is not going to take the memory of what happened away. Secondly, Nick you need to stop feeling guilty."

Nick felt his heart sink, "How can I?"

"Well she is in jail now." Mandy said simply, "Isn't that closure for you."

"No. It should never have happened!" Nick sat on the bed placing his face in his hands. "Christ, I still get nightmares at night and if it's not the shooting it's .."

Mandy sat beside him, "The stuff you saw when you worked over CET."

Nick nodded and sat down on the bed, his hands wringing, "I still see their faces, Mandy, I still hear the screams at night and then I see their faces mixed with my face from what happened to me."

"I know. I can tell." She said. "I hear you mumbling in your sleep."

"Sorry." Nick groaned.

"No, I understand why." She answered empathetically.

"Holy shit, I was only there a few months."

"I know." Mandy said. "Have you talked to anyone about this?"

"You mean a shrink?" Nick said his voice thick with sarcasm.

"Yes." Mandy sat down beside him, rubbing his back, ignoring the sarcasm.

"No. I've always dealt with this stuff on my own." Nick wiped his face. "It's not in me to talk to people about my problems. My parents still don't know what happened to me as a child."

"Well, you obviously have some feelings around it." Mandy said.

"I didn't realize it till I worked there."

"Which is why talking to a therapist would help you deal with it."

"I don't do those kinds of things, Mandy." Nick insisted feeling his stubborn pride rise in him.

"I know. After what happened..the..Walter Gordon case." Mandy knew that was untouchable subject, everyone knew that. "I thought then you should talk to someone, but you didn't."

"I did. I went in and said I was fine." Nick said.

"Then when Warrick died, you didn't then."

"Nope."

"Then the time you got shot." Mandy said.

"Not even then." Nick said.

"So you're saying that not even spending months witnessing children being raped triggering your own attack and it still not enough to realize that perhaps your resiliency is well..only so much one can take." Mandy said. "I'm seeing a counselor; does that make me less resilient than you"?

"No," Nick sai. "You got shot while you were pregnant."

"You watched it." She said. "And that didn't affect you, you are wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Why can't you admit that the hovering over me is guilt based?"

"It's not, Mandy. I'm just trying to be a good husband and father."

"You are." Mandy smiled, "But you hover over me like some Obama drone."

Nick chuckled at her political joke, but then sobered as he explained, "I guess I'm scared I'll lose you both. I almost did."

"We're not going anywhere."

Nick swallowed, "I'm scared of coming home and finding the two of you dead, or kidnapped, or .." Tears welled up in his eyes. "I want to take you both and move you to a small town."

"Small towns have murders too, Nick." Mandy said pointedly.

"I obsess about this stuff and obsess about what I saw at CET." He bit his lip trying to fight back tears. "I feel haunted by it the kids suffering, mixed with my memories. It's too much sometimes."

"And that's why you need to talk to someone." Mandy said. "You have needed to talk to someone for eight years, since that..." She shook her head, "You know what I always found odd?"

"What?" Nick was afraid to hear.

"You guys on that grave shift never referred to that incident as the Nick Stokes case." Mandy snorted. "As if it was unbearable to even fathom one of you could fall victim to a crime. It was the same with Sara, no one referred to her kidnapping as the Sidle Case."

Nick clenched his jaw at the mere mention of the Walter Gordon case being called the Nick Stokes case.

"That would make me a …" Nick said.

Mandy raised an eyebrow, "A victim?"

Nick frowned and replied darkly, "Yes."

"A victim of a crime putting you on equal level as the victim as if the victim is any less of a person than you?" Mandy shook her head the mere irony of her statement.

"No, that's not it." Nick answered briskly even though she was 100 per cent correct.

"It is it and also the fact that it demonstrates that we are vulnerable to crime." Mandy pulled a dress out of the closet and began to disrobe heading to the dresser.

Normally, Nick would take this opportunity to pounce like a cat on a mouse, but she had drove several proverbial nails into him and she was right. He did need to talk to someone.

When Warrick died, he forged on. He needed to find a way to run from the pain off loss. Warrick's death was the worst of all he endured over the years. Even his burial paled because Warrick had been by his side while he recovered; basket ball games, nights at the pub, even baseball games.

When he got shot, he kept going. He saw the department shrink. Once. Just once.

Mandy had slipped the dress on and was fastening the belt. "I mean, do it for Zach, Nick. It's not just about you anymore, or even me, it's about him."

"Ecklie wants me to move to Days." Nick said dryly. "For the same reason."

Mandy's eyes widened.

"Catherine gave me the same speech the other day too." Nick said, "wanting me to go counseling, for Zack. She said I'm not focused."

"Trauma does that to the brain." Mandy said.

"Yeah." Nick said. "But you're right. I should talk to someone about ..I guess everything..but especially what I saw in CETS."

He swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat, "Sometimes, when I hold him, I have a flashback of those kids."

Mandy sat beside him and rubbed his back, not saying anything as he continued, "Sometimes when I'm driving, I see their faces again. I see the fear in their eyes and I'm just sitting watching them and then I feel like scum after like I should take a shower and just wash it all off what I saw."

Nick felt tears on his cheeks slide down. "I wonder and worry that some bastard will hurt him like those kids were hurt."

Mandy nodded as tears pooled in her eyes, "Me too."

Nick grabbed her hand. "I'll never let anyone ever near him. I'll never leave him alone ever. I promise."

"I promise too." Mandy smiled. "I promise to protect you both."

Nick chuckled and kissed her fingers, "Hey that's my job."

"My job too." She said. "I worked in law enforcement. I visited the gun range. I did pretty well."

"I don't want Zack to ever know about what happened to me, Mandy." Nick told her, "You can never tell him, or about what happened to me as a child."

Mandy looked alarmed, "I would never do that, but I promise you he will never know unless you decide to tell him."

"I don't think I ever will." Nick shook his head. "I never want him to know."

"Then he won't." Mandy said. "Our kids do not have to know all our secrets."

"I've got a lot of those." Nick said sardonically.

"I know." She said and stood up and kissed him on his forehead. "And if you want to keep them even from me. I'll respect that too. Now get some sleep." She started to walk away, but he gently grabbed her wrist. "I'll go for counseling."

She turned around and smiled. "I'm glad to hear it." Mandy tried to step away, but Nick held firm, "Don't leave just yet." He pulled her to him, burying his head into her feeling her kisses on his forehead.

xxXXxx

The weekend brought much needed rest after a harrowing week. Nick urged Mandy to go out with some ladies from the Lab.

Then he packed his son up and took him for a drive.

The sun shone brightly overhead as Nick pulled up to his destination. He slid open the doors of the minivan and slid the diaper bag over his shoulder. His son flashed a gummy grin and twinkling at Nick while he unbuckled the car seat and lifted him out.

"My boy, I'm going to introduce you to two people today." Nick explained to Zach as he held the carseat with one hand and reached in for a bouquet of flowers he'd purchased on the way.

Weaving their way through the cemetery, Nick forged on, sweating in the heat taking note his son was getting quite heavy. Finally, they reached the spot.

Nick set his son down who gigged and gurgled happily. Smiling, Nick knelt down beside him and set the flowers in the vase attached to the tombstone. Satisfied, he undid the straps on the carrier and lifted a wiggly Zach out of the carrier while Nick sat cross-legged and settled the baby into his lap.

"Warrick, I'd like to introduce you to my son, Zachary Nicholas Webster Stokes."

Zach gurgled and laughed. Nick lifted him a bit.

"Sorry it took so long, but there's been some issues, but we're on way to resolve them, right Zach?"

Zach clasped his hands together and let out a happy giggle.

"And by we," Nick grasped his son close and flashed his wedding band at the tombstone as if Warrick could see, "I meant Mandy and I. I know what you are saying. That little feisty rab lat. Yeah she is, but she's a good woman, a great mom, a great wife." Then lifted Zach away from him, "Great in other ways if you know what I mean." Then brought his son close to him again.

He swore he could hear Warrick chuckling.

Nick stared at the gravestone feeling heavy hearted, "I wish you were here to meet him. Your son and my son could be friends. You kno suddenly w, Warrick, nothing has ever been the same since you died. I gotta tell yah, it was a real shocker when Mandy told me she was pregnant and you would have been pissed off at the way I handled it, but I was scared shitless. I just couldn't bear the thought of someone else coming into my life and then losing them and you know what I nearly did, but I didn't. I'd like to think you had something to do with that. In fact, I went into the chapel of the hospital and asked you to have a word with the big guy upstairs and ask him to forgive me and give me both Mandy and Zach back and he did. Thank you Warrick!"

Zach wiggled a bit and Nick held him close, kissing a chubby cheek.

"You know when I first held him; I felt this rush of love in me which I never experienced. There is no feeling like it. The love a parent has for their child. Man, it's powerful. Like nothing else in this world. I know why you wanted to fight for custody of Eli." Nick said sadly, "I am thinking of moving us to a small town somewhere, somewhere safe for all of us. Mandy says there is no such thing as a safe place, but I think there is. I just have to work it out somehow."

He stared for a moment at the grave and then continued, "If you were around, I was going to ask you if you could be his Godfather, but there is someone else who I know you will approve of so he's next on my list."

xxXXxx

Sara had given Nick the information he needed.

Nick carried Zachary in his car seat up to the door and rang the bell.

It opened and a surprised but delighted Grissom answered the door, glasses hanging on the edge of his nose. A copy of Dante's Divine Comedy in his hand, classical music played in the background. His hair as white as snow as he looked remarkably the same, albeit older.

"Well! I was going to come over and visit you." Grissom stepped aside as Nick walked in. "But it looks like you saved me the trouble."

Nick set the car seat down and shook Grissom's hand. "How are you Grissom?"

"The flight took longer than expected. I had to sit next to a kid who kept pestering me about why I didn't have an iPad to read my magazine." The older man lead Nick and Zach into the living room and invited him for a seat.

Grissom sat in the arm chair across as Nick took Zach out of his car seat. The baby was chipper after his nap in the car and was in good spirits.

"Grissom meet Zach. Zach meet Grissom."

Grissom laughed and said, "I was going to visit you and Mandy later today with some gifts I brought from Costa Rica." He stood up and walked over to the counter and returned with a gift bag.

Nick smiled and opened the bag and pulled out a little wooden, red and white ambulance.

"Handmade by a group of children in a Christian run charity school. The money goes for school supplies." Grissom explained. "I know it's a little mature."

"Oh no. It's great." Nick smiled and then showed it to Zach who grasped at it, trying to put it in his mouth.

"Naw..that's not what it's for." Nick chuckled. put the toy back in the bag, handing a fretful Zach a more age appropriate toy. He handed the baby toy keys which he took happily and gnawed on it with his gums.

Grissm smiled, "He looks like you."

"Oh when he's sulking?"

"Yes, especially when he's sulking." Grissom laughed.

"Yeah, that's what everyone says." Nick commented. "He's got Mandy's mouth though. So he'll be an interesting looking kid."

Smiling. Grissom reached for the baby. Zach stared at him cautiously, brown eyes scoping this new person, then grinned and reached out and allowed himself to be held by this new person he never met before.

Nick handed him over, "Looks like you made a new friend there, Zach."

"I like the name, Nick." Grissom held him in his lap and said, "I hope Nick has started reading to you, I would suggest Dante's Divine Comedy, but it's slightly morbid for a young man his age."

Nick smiled embarrassed, "Does Sports Illustrated count?"

Grissom chuckled, "I think reading any literature at this point is good for babies, it's supposed to help the wiring of the brains, helps to identify shapes and colours at an earlier stage."

"Sara gave us _Goodnight Moon_ and _I'll Love You Forever_ when he was born." Nick said, "Although I think the mother in _I'll Love You Forever_ could be charged with stalking at some point."

Grissom smiled, "Robert Munsch is a well respected Canadian children's writer. You will always be safe with his books."

"Yeah," Nick said, "I like to read to Zach. When I'm not on night shifts, but the first few months I was just feeling overwhelmed with taking care of Mandy and trying to put other stuff behind me, so my parents did all of that until they left and Mrs. Violetta has been great-a real support to two parents who are messed up emotionally at this point."

"Or just two parents who are overwhelmed with new responsibilities while balancing healing from traumatic events." Grissom told him.

"That's a nice way to reframe it." Nick smiled.

Nodding, Grissom said, "I heard you had a rough time in CETS. I have to give you credit, Nick, I was asked to work there too and I just would not do it. Do you remember the case with the young girl whose brother she donated her organs to died?"

"Yeah, her brother poisoned her so she wouldn't have to be his donor anymore. Before that we arrested some pedophile in the area." Nick recalled.

"When we interviewed him," Grissom explained, "I recall that it took every cell within me to not want to throttle him." He took his glasses off at the memory and shook his head, "So I can only imagine how it was for someone, whose empathy I always admired, to cope there."

Nick laughed and leaned into the leather couch, "You always rode me about my empathy, Grissom."

"Only when I felt you allowed it to override the evidence." Grissom said.

"Well, imagine watching these kids being attacked and your just sitting there in front of a computer screen helpless." Nick told Grissom. "If I could jump in there, those sickos would have been.." He shuddered at what he would have done. "I guess I should have been more hardened for that kind of work, but I wasn't."

"The burnout rates for that unit are high, so I imagine you are not the only one." Grissom said calmly. "You still are a great CSI."

"Really, in spite of my empathy?"

"As I told you before I left, you were my best student."

"I always thought it was Warrick." Nick said.

"He was my other best student until his addiction got the best of him. You on the other hand, I never worried about you, Nick, you matured quite nicely in your job."

Zach had been sitting quietly listening to the two men, chewing on a rattle before reaching out to Nick wanting to return to the familiar smells and touch of his dad.

Grissom smiled and handed the baby back to Nick. Zach cooed happily and nestled his head into Nick's shoulder. Smiling, the CSI felt the rush of warmth whenever he held his son. The love Nick felt for his son was so powerful it overwhelmed it times. Given the company, though, he held back the tears. The last person he wanted to cry was in front of was his former.

Clearing his throat, Nick said, "It's been a long day for this little guy. But I had a reason to come here today. Before Mandy left, we had a discussion and given she is Catholic and I'm the close cousin of being Episcopalian, we are going to raise Zach Catholic and were wondering if you would be his Godfather?"

Behind his glasses, Grissom's blue eyes widened with surprised. He was quiet for a moment before responding, "I'm flattered, but you know I'm kind of a lapsed Catholic."

"That's okay." Nick said, "It's not so much the religious element, it's more the role model you will be for Zach as he grows up. You were mine and now I want him to experience that benefit."

Grissom leaned back and blew out a breath in amazement. "I'm flattered Nick and in light of that explanation. I will have to say yes."

Grinning, Nick reached out with one hand, the other holding Zach and said, "Thank you Grissom. We'll let you know the date."

xxXXxx

In a low lit room, Nick sat in the rocking chair with Zach cradled in one arm contenting drinking a bottle. Tonight, Nick picked _I'll Love You Forever_ as the book to read to Zachary in spite of the stalking components of the book, Nick felt the contents fit beautifully with the day. He knew no matter how long Warrick was gone, he'd still love the guy.

Nick knew also, that no matter how much his son grew, no matter how tall and strong his boy would get, he would still be his baby. And Nick hoped no matter how old he'd get, no matter how many mistakes he'd make as a parent, his son would love him. He wanted his son to grow up to be a confident and strong minded person, who never needed the approval of a boss to know he was doing well in his career. He wanted his son to have the confidence Warrick had.

He wished Warrick was still here to instill that in his son, but he wasn't, so Nick hoped he could do that on his own and knew that Grissom would help as well.

And Nick also hoped, that if ever the secrets of his past got out, his son would still love him and be proud of him, but the goal was for that to never happen. Those secrets would never be shared.

Zach's eyes were slits as Nick kept his voice low, hearing hints of his southern accent come through as it did whenever he was tired or exhausted,

"I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be."

As the book ended, Zach was fast asleep and Nick laid the book gently on the floor and just rocked back and forth in the chair, the floor creaking slightly. He wondered about the kids he saw in the videos, wondered if they had any one reading Robert Munch's books to them or _Goodnight Moon_ and sadly he knew that these kids probably didn't.

In the morning he would send an e-mail to Ecklie and let him know he would take the supervisory role in days. Parenting came with sacrifices and he knew it was time to take on roles which allowed for family time. Life was short and Nick didn't want to miss out on his son's growing up or any other children he would have. He also owed it to Mandy to show he was going to make this marriage work even if it was something two years ago, neither imagined it.

Finally, Nick took the risk and laid the little guy back in his crib. What a trooper, not a sound. He sat back down

A little over a year ago, he never thought he'd be here. Married with a son of his own as he was just some bachelor who had been dating a co-worker on the sly, and it amazed how life change so rapidly.

He also never imagined in that time confronting some of the worst demons he'd ever encountered.

Zach sighed contently stirring emotions within Nick he never knew he had. Tears sprung to his eyes as he realized once again how much he loved his son and would do anything for him, kill for him..anything.

He heard a soft knock at the bedroom door and saw Mandy standing there.

"Hey!" He whispered and stood up and tip toed out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.

"You guys had a good day?" she asked.

"Yep." Nick smiled and told her about Grissom.

"That's wonderful." She said. "And knowing how you feel about religion, I'm glad you are okay with him being baptized."

Nick smiled and hugged her, "You know after everything that's happen, why not have a little spiritual divine in his life to keep him safe?"

"Could work for you too?" she smiled back.

"Probably" Nick hugged her and then told her, "I'm going to take the day job."

She squeezed him tighter, "Good. It will be nice to have you home some nights. I plan to go back to work part time."

"Sounds good to me." Nick and drew her close kissing her hoping tonight would be the night they would finally get that much needed closeness when a cry interrupted them.

"It's okay. I'll get it." Mandy said.

"Naaw..it's your day off. You go on to bed and I'll join you."

xxXXxx

After changing and feeding Zach, Nick sat back down in the rocker and opened _Goodnight Moon._

In the great green room  
there was a telephone  
And a red balloon  
And a picture of the cow jumping over the moon.

As they rocked, Zach's eyes grew heavier with sleep as Nick read on:

Good night, light and the red balloon.  
Good night, bears. Good night, chairs.  
Good night, kittens. Good night, mittens.  
Good night, clocks. Good night, socks.  
Good night, little house. Good night, mouse.  
Good night, comb. Good night, brush.  
Good night, nobody. Good night, mush.  
Good night to the old lady whispering, "Hush."  
Good night, stars. Good night, air.  
Good night, noises everywhere."

On cue, Zach finally fell sleep, his lips in a pout, the teddy bears on his blue sleeper smilng up at Nick as if to say, "Good one Nicky our boy."

But Nick decided to wait for a bit, holding his son tightly, the love rushing through his veins. Mandy peeked in and smiled and tip toed in and knelt down beside them.

Finally, they decided to give the crib a whirl and as they laid their son down, he curled contently onto his side. Mandy pressed the buttons on a musical toy whispering, "I found this always helps him stay asleep."

Nick was surprised, "I didn't know. Sorry"

"That's okay" she smiled, "It's a learning curve and you're doing so well."

Then she kissed Nick's cheek and said, "I'll be waiting."

"I won't be long."

As the music played, Nick finally allowed himself to leave Zach's room. He felt a slight fear within him, but knew it was just ghosts of memories haunting, but tonight he'd beat them for once as he left the room to the sound of the music and joined his wife.

The ghosts would always be there, but for Nick, his goal would be to stay one step ahead of them. That was all he could do.


End file.
